While for many the holidays are a time of brotherly love and familial bonding, for us it's mostly just a time to appease the suits who hawk their wares on this website. It's a tradition for us, much like baking cookies and decorating Christmas trees might be for others. This year, in the spirit of inclusion, we have decorated our tree with everything from whiskey penis lube to designer bodega bags to a mug that features gay guys coming out of the closet, so it's a real "something for everyone" type deal. Guess we just did your holiday shopping for you. No need to thank us, the feeling we get from helping others is reward enough.
1.) Bloog E-Cigarettes
Smoking real cigarettes is quickly going the way of the Dodo. You can’t smoke in bars anymore, or on airplanes, or, if you live in New York City, even in parks. Bloog solves all of those problems in one fell swoop by vaporizing the nicotine and shoving it into your lungs, meaning the stuff you exhale is legal pretty much everywhere. Hell, you could even smoke it at the Christmas dinner table and your mom wouldn’t be able to say shit. Bloog also has a special sale going on right now so you and your easily persuaded mom can bond over your holiday sets.
2.) Unique Products
Magnetic Wine Wand
According to the box, the Magnetic Wine Wand “makes the perfect gift for those who have everything!” “Everything” meaning an alcohol problem.
The Urchin Bluetooth Speaker
I already have a hard time knowing when to shut up and get out of the shower in the morning but now that I can listen to R. Kelly in the bathroom and pretend he is singing backup for me as I sing into my loufa my AM routine is officially fucked.
4.) Whiskey Dick Lube
Whiskey Flavored Personal Lubricant
In case you get lonely and run out of booze or you just haven’t hit puberty…
Glazed and Confused Slipper
Slippers, the one article of clothing nobody can get mad at + the most delicious fast food baked good = the world’s best gift EVER.
6.) EA Sports
FIFA Soccer 2013
It's like actually playing soccer in front of tens of thousands of rabid screaming fans, but from the lazy comfort of your couch/bed/floor/bean bag chair. And if it's good enough for Snoop and A$AP, it's definitely good enough for us.
7.) Von Zipper
Doll Face Mask
People love to steal over the holidays, but this year, instead of half-assing things by going all Raising Arizona with your disguise, wear a Von Zipper Doll Face Mask. Because being robbed is scary, but definitely not as scary as worrying some psycho with a shotgun is going to try to take all your stuff and S your D at the same time.
8.) Platinum Stages
Free Standing Hitch Pole
There’s something about a stripper pole attached to the back of a moving pick-up truck that lights a fire under my cold black heart and makes me want to smile/shield my eyes at the same time.
9.) New Era
Galaxy 59 Cap
A lot of people look like crap in hats, but there is no way to look bad in a New Era Galaxy 59 cap even if you’re dawning it on a massive freakishly shaped dome, because everybody loves outerspace.
If everyone in our office had a pair of these beautiful sound-cancelling headphones we probably would have written a much nicer gift guide. But alas, everyone is being really loud and annoying today and… Shit! What was I saying?
11.) Jack Spade
Beer Mug Tie
Do yourself a solid this year and wrap this one up for yourself so Grandma will quit bitching about how you never dress up nice for family functions. She might not approve of the design but it looks awesome on you and costs so much she’ll put a lid on it.
Billionaire Boys Club Collaboration
With all the doom and gloom that surrounds the fast-approaching December 21st date, you might as well be prepared in style (thanks to this collab from Palladium and BBC) for whatever chaos will ensue.
13.) Uncommon Goods
Great Gays Mug
What do you get that questionably stylish man in your life who already has everything? A heat sensitive mug that shows gay men coming out of the closet when you pour hot liquids inside it.
14.) North Face
Men’s Super Diez Jacket
Let’s face it, between record hot summer temperatures and two storms of biblical proportions there is no denying that shit is about to hit the fan. We’re all going to die, so just get a puffy North Face jacket to stay warm and camouflage yourself in a bunch of trash bins so you can live slightly longer than everyone else when hell finally freezes over.
Giving someone socks for Christmas is a total copout. The only way it is ever OK to give someone a pair is if they have multi-colored pot leaves on them—otherwise you just look like a cheap bastard who lacks creativity.
Surfin’ Santa Shirt
The Surfin’ Santa shirt by Quiksilver is exactly the kind of gift we always dreamed of getting every year. Except we didn’t, and we’re kind of sad and nostalgic this time of year so we’re going to buy it for ourselves because we know that no one else ever will. *Sigh*
Folding Aviator Sunglasses
Wearing aviators is a great way to convince people you can kick their asses and are way more important than you really are. The nice thing about these is that they fold up, making them far more unassuming.
High Stakes in Black Multi/Cheetah
Girls in general are impossible to shop for, but if you’re thinking about trying to buy something for one who hasn’t even hit puberty, forget it. Just get your little sister something with animal print all over it that she can show off to all of her stupid little fashionista friends and call it a day.
19.) VICE Books
VICE DOs & DON'Ts Book 2
Buy it. ‘Cause it’s ours. And if you’re too lazy to buy a real book, you can purchase a digital copy.
Trinomic Trail Mid
Some people aren’t lazy and enjoy being outdoors and engaging strenuous physical activities. One of those kinds of people would probably love to get a pair of these nice shoes to do whatever terrifying sport they’re meant to be for.
21.) Hoxton Street Monster Supplies
Salt Made from Tears of Sorrow
You’re not supposed to tell people what you really think of them over the holidays, but if you simply can’t resist the urge to be a dick, particularly if you’ve pulled your boss’s name in your office Secret Santa, a shaker of gourmet salt made from human tears should do the trick.
Chuck Taylor Sneaker Boot
If you’re wearing canvas sneakers in the winter and still complaining about it being “too cold” you’re a total idiot. Buy some leather Chucks; they looks exactly the same as your current pair except they’re actually warm and harder to turn that disgusting shade of poop brown you’ve masterfully dyed your kicks.
23.) Filson x Levi’s
Oil Finish Trucker Jacket
Real men love to wear both Filson and Levi’s—it’s a fact. So you can basically buy your dad anything from their collab collection and stay on his good side forever. Then you’ll get to inherit a tight jacket among other cool stuff when he dies and leaves you everything because you’re the only child who’s ever made him proud.
Dump Em Out Koozie
It’s not cool to look at porn at your parents’ house over the holidays, but you can drink beer. So by using one of VNM’s Dump Em Out beer koozies you can still scope tits without being a total pervert/horrible son/horrible closet lesbian.
PLAY:5 All-In-One Wireless Music System
Planning to throw a massive rager this holiday season? Let the soundtrack to all of your eggnog-slash-Manischewitz fueled debauchery be heard in full glory, whether you’re stuck in your timeshare coastal hideaway in San Remo or liquored up in your log cabin in Verbier.
26.) Bowser Beer
Beer for Dogs
After another long year of being your slave and putting up with all of your insane bullshit your dog deserves to get a little something in return. Bowser’s Beer for Dogs probably tastes like crap but canines love everything and to them it’s really the thought that counts.
27.) Danner Boots
Rain Forest Plain Toe Work Boot
The perfect gift for that one kinda fucked-up cousin of yours who doesn’t talk very much but is known to take pleasure in killing things.
Owning nice things that look like trash is all the rage right now. It’s only a matter of time before a bum ends up on the cover of Vogue and the Stampd Bodega bag becomes the new Chanel 2.55, a staple in every wardrobe because minimalism is chic.