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Vice Blog

Toronto - Nubs' Eye View

November 1, 2006, 3:39pm

So, what's up with hardcore kids these days? On the random occasions when I do end up at hardcore shows, I'm amazed by how ridiculous people act. It's like nothing I've ever seen. Hardcore kids are emo-jocks who are so pumped full of testosterone and love to show how tough and manly they are that they come full circle and end up looking like they're all trapped in the same sweaty, violent closet. They arrive at shows with their coat-wrack whores, aka their so-called girlfriends, who then stand off to the side and hold their damn coats so they can go into the pit to fight!

And it's not like a regular pit where people push and shove and sometimes accidentally kick, but everyone's just trying to have a good time—these kids actually want to rip shit up and ruin people's faces! It's amazing! What's funny is half these kids are straight edge and supposedly deny themselves things that will hurt their body, yet they'll Windmill other people in the face to their heart's content. That's a teensy bit hypocritical if you ask me.

When they're not throwing punches, they are dancing the most hilarious dances, I've ever seen danced. The typical hardcore fan doesn't just jump around and bop his head at a show, no, he actually shows up with set moves to throw down, such as "Swatting Flies", "Pickin' up Coins", "Callin' your Girlfriend," and hip-hop crossover sensation (and my personal favorite) "the Lawn Mower." Oh my Gawd, it's amazing! They're like the lamest version of air guitar you could come up with. Air lawn mower!? Haha! Air pickin' up coins? Can you imagine them sitting in their room before the show practicing on real coins?

And the meatheadery doesn't start with the fans. Have you ever heard the guy from Stand & Fight's old band, Ten Yard Fight? I can't even explain how hilarious some of their songs are. They are the jockiest songs I have ever heard. There's this one, "Offsides," that's about a football team who were ashamed of one player because he used to be so tight but he slowly slipped and lost them the game because they called him offsides. It has to be one of the most emotional football songs ever written!

They've got some other jock jams like "Line of Scrimmage" and "First and Ten," which starts with "Back in '82 when the Cowboys were strong/ I'd play flag football all day long/ Until '83 when Dad said it was time/ We played tackle together and crossed the goal line!" The only thing funnier than the opener is how they turn "playing tackle" into some sort of metaphor for "breaking edge." Wow, I really want to boogie to that tune.

I don't think I will ever love hardcore or understand the behavior of hardcore kids, so maybe I should just stay out of it. I am very much into punk rock and everything it stands for and many hardcore kids define themselves as being separate from punk rock, almost like a counter-culture to the counter-culture. Maybe someone can fill me in on how that's any different from just being "culture."
TALLI OSBORNE