An interview with the Jizz Cook

You may remember when we first found out about Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-based Recipes, that book about cooking with jizz. Everyone went nuts over it – was it a joke? It had to be a joke, right? Please God say it's a joke… Well, news is that the author still stands firm on his stance on penis milk as a delicious dietary supplement. We talked to him recently while he was on holiday in Germany. He was in a bar when we talked, so everyone on his end of the line could hear all his answers.

Vice: After it occurred to you that using your semen as a cooking ingredient was the next logical step after blowing a load, what did you do?
Fotie Photenhauer: I thought, "Let's try it out." Semen is identical to egg whites. And egg whites are a very common ingredient in a lot of foods.

What did you make?
I made crepes. Normally you use a lot of eggs, four or five eggs in a batch of crepes. I substituted one egg with about four or five tablespoons of semen. They turned out beautiful.

Is there anything that semen should be paired with as far as food ingredients go?
Sauces, butters and creams. For wines, a Riesling.

Creamy, sweet stuff. Do you have any other unusual hobbies?
I wouldn't say I have any odd hobbies. I'm not into kinky sex or anything like that.

But this is unusual.
That's the usual response, yes.

That it's gross?
Yeah. That's most people's response. But you can't say it unless you've tried it.

I don't know. I'm sure there are some things you wouldn't try.
Definitely. I mean, people eat all kinds of weird things. Eggs are menstruation from chickens. And that's pretty disgusting, if you think about it. I mean, eating a chicken menstruation? What's the difference between eating another animal's menstruation or eating someone you love's semen. You have to think of it with perspective. And actually, milk is pretty disgusting. Milk is for baby cows.

You said in the book that semen producers can generate a wide range of semen tastes simply by making minor dietary adjustments. What does that mean and do you have any examples?
Basically, semen from smokers loses its quality. It's bitter. And someone who doesn't take care of themselves, their semen isn't tasty.

So, you said you sold about a thousand books. How many books would you have to sell a year in order to retire and live off of the royalties of your spunk?
I get about six dollars per book, profit. Come on, I haven't made much money off it.

What kind of work do you do?
I'm a nurse.

Are you really? Would you be interested in eating, or cooking other people's blood?
No.

Why not? Blood is a coagulator. That might be good for cooking.
No. Now I'm probably giving the same response as someone who hears about cooking with semen. I see where you're coming from, but no. I've been asked, "Why don't you write a book on vaginal secretions?" And I was like, "No. Sorry."

A. RASH