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Who Is the Small-Handed Vaginal Fister of East London?

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September 4, 2012, 5:10pm

Wow, watch out Harry Styles, there’s a new Casanova in East London, and he’s known simply as smallhandfisting@aol.com. If you’re a very lucky girl and you lock your bike up somewhere in London, E-whatever (which I’m sure you do) there’s a chance this sexy prankster will pounce in your absence, leaving behind only a hopelessly romantic offer, a card which might just contain your happy ending: small-handed vaginal fisting. Aww.

Or probably "eww", actually, because once you’ve held one of these flimsy laminate cards and realised it’s not just an internet meme (Reddit has been all over it) but a seemingly legitimate widespread offer of five-knuckle luv, you kind of wanna just keep washing your hands until a couple layers of skin come off and you’re clean again. And he’s really not stingy with them, either; smallhand’s cards have been spotted quietly tucked all over the place, from Mile End to our very own VICE office pal Claire’s basket in Bethnal Green. Sadly, despite acknowledging the brevity of life and the importance of being spontaneous, smallhands was reluctant to be interviewed to discuss his fisting philosophy in further detail. His emails were, however, surprisingly eloquent, despite having been written with remarkably small hands. “I know your kind like the back of my hand. People like you always leave me in clenched fists. Let me lend you a helping hand and show you webster's dictionary for proper english use. Can i hand you the truth my good man? Get off the internet.” CREEPY right?! Almost Silence of the Lambs-esque. Unfortunately, even though we replied in his language, with one sentence containing the phrases/words "ham-fisted", "grab", "fingertips" and "knuckle", he declined to respond. Anyway, in case he’s reading and he changes his mind about the interview, I thought I’d publish my questions here.

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My Questions for the Small-Handed Vaginal Fister of East London

– Hey, smallhandedfisting@aol.com are you for real or is this just an "art-project"? Some people are critical of the spellcheck lines on your card, because unless you photocopied it off an iPad, they really shouldn’t print out like that. Is your Pages not working properly? Or are you just trying to emphasise that you are in the London area? If so, I like your use of a squiggly underline, it kind of represents how I imagine your personality: zany and outgoing! Also, the use of only lower-case letters really emphasises the littleness of your hands. You sound very gentle…

– But be careful smallhandfisting@aol.com, because lots of people are going to mistake your kind offer of fisting for the unwelcome advances of a psychopathic sex offender, and if you are one, it’s probably not a good idea to be leaving your personal email address on laminate cards around London because someone (like me, maybe) might hand one over to the authorities.

– Hey BTW, do you have a complex about your small hands? One of my male friends has small hands, and he used to always get teased about it. I think it’s great you’ve learned to love yourself, but if your therapist recommended you demonstrate your newfound body-image confidence in public, I’m not sure this is what they had in mind.

– Also, if you do have a therapist, I’d think about showing him this card. 'Cos otherwise, what do you pay them for?

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Anyway, I love to hear from you, mainly because if you’re emailing me you can’t simultaneously be doing any dark shit, and honestly I’m pretty worried you’re up to maybe quite a lot of that. Do YOU know who the Small-Handed Vaginal Fister of East London is? Get in touch with kev dot kharas at vice dot com.

More stuff about putting hands in inappropriate places:

Ass Invaders: The VICE Guide to Milking Your Prostate

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