Andy Murray Doesn't Give a Shit About Scotland

Andy Murray returned to Britain the other day after his US Open win, still scowling, as I suppose anyone would be if they'd just won their first Grand Slam title. The people of Dunblane, Murray's hometown – and, indeed, the rest of the UK – seem to feel like they had some huge part to play in his title win, for whatever bizarre, deluded reason that may be. The New York Times even published an article titled "Town Rises and Falls With Murray", describing how the citizens of Dunblane, as much strangers to Murray as they are you or me, joined Andy on a big dipper of emotion; their hearts shattering when he fails and sparkling ecstatically when he triumphs. That's creepy. No one should ever invest that much in a stranger.

Andy Murray doesn't give a shit about any of these people. I spent most of my formative years in tennis schools, much like Andy, and there's nothing more that makes you hate everyone else around you than that. Besides, he's got a $100m sponsorship deal to keep him company now, so we called up some Scottish people just to make sure they knew they'll never be hearing from him again.

BOUZY ROUGE AT THE SHERIFFMUIR INN, DUNBLANE, SCOTLAND

VICE: Be honest, do you think Andy Murray really cares about you?
Host: Yeah, we all believe he cares.

Really? All the money goes straight into his RBS account, though. I don't see him helping you out.
We live in a free society, he can do what he wants with his money.

Come on, give me a break. It's all about him, his girlfriend and his sponsor, no?
Its a very personal thing, tennis. He's not going to stick a Scottish flag on his forehead, is he?

*hangs up*

THE GOLDEN LION FLAGSHIP HOTEL, STIRLING

Do you think Murray gives a crap about Scotland?
Concierge: Yes. Of course he does.

Why should he?
[Silence]

It's not like he ever came to your hotel, is it? Why do you even support him? He's done nothing for you.
I'm not that sure, to be honest.

*hangs up*

INDIA GATE, DUNBLANE

Host: Curry?

Andy Murray.
Is he coming?

No.
His mother ate here once. A month ago, actually.

She won't be coming back, not with Andy and not with anyone.
Is Andy coming? Is he coming?

[lots of excitable background noise]

*hangs up*

THE CROSS KEYS, STIRLING

Andy Murray doesn't care about you or Scotland.
Host: Yeah, sure he does.

He's a world famous tennis player, why would he care about you?
Everybody who's Scottish cares about being Scottish.

Nah, that's bullshit.
It's true. Get lost and mind your own business.

*hangs up*

MILL COURT, DUNBLANE

Do you really think Andy Murray cares about anyone in Dunblane? Or even Scotland, generally?
Of course Andy cares, very much so. He's said a few times that he'd like to come home.

He's just trying to be nice.
I'm preparing dinner, can you please leave me alone? Anyway, yes, Andy DOES care about Scotland, ya wee bas'. And we care about him.

You are delusional.
You are a fool.

*hangs up*

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