Regardless of whether or not you're actually American, you're probably paying close attention to the shit show that is the US presidential race right now.
Entertainment-wise, there's little to want for—racism, sexism, blatant lies, shockingly incoherent endorsements—this thing has it all. Up until now, though, there's been one thing notably missing in American politics: homoerotic fan fiction.
That changed today, when Sam Shiver, Canada's most prolific political gay erotica author, released her latest work, Can't Stump the Drumpf: An Erotic Tale.
Shiver, the writer behind classics such as Serving the Prime Minister: A Canadian Romance (accidentally brought to you by VICE Canada) and Foreign Affairs: A Diplomatic Romance, sent me a note (more of an apology) Wednesday afternoon linking to the GOP-based novella on Amazon.
"I had to do it, and I am so SO sorry. Enjoy," she wrote.
I'm sorry too, because I read it—all 11 or so pages—and Foreign Affairs: A Diplomatic Romance it is not.
While Shiver's previous books were more or less based on sexy, taboo affairs, this one is decidedly more sinister (and old and saggy.)
The main character, Ronald Drumpf, has his sights set on being president of the US, but he first needs to take out his main opponent—Ned Cruise.
"The thought of Cruise's melty face sent a shiver of rage down between Drumpf's legs," writes Shiver, who tells the story mostly from Drumpf's point of view.
Drumpf sets up a private meeting between himself and Cruise in a sub-standard Texas hotel room. Beforehand, he muses about some incriminating photographs he has of Cruise, about knowing "Cruise's dirty little secret."
Once in the same room, the politicians begin having an increasingly hostile exchange, in which Drumpf makes not-so-veiled threats by alluding to what he did to another GOP candidate, Mario Delgado.
"I fucked him. I fucked him right up the ass. He was crying so hard his makeup was running. Why do you think he's got that bald spot? I was pulling his hair so hard, I was afraid I was going to rip it right off. That clown was sucking more than a water bottle when I was done with him. He fucking loved it. Everyone loves me."
Cruise replies, "You're a sick man, Ronald."
Without spoiling too much, the situation escalates into a rough and greasy encounter.
There's also a uniquely Canadian plot twist for all you erotic hosers out there but again, spoilers.
If I had to pick my favorite parts of the book, I'd say they were the descriptions of Drumpf and his "quivering jowls," "stubby fingers," and "wet plasticine"–like skin.
The story finishes with a bit of a cliff-hanger, leaving room for yet another sequel. If you are into geriatric porn, stay tuned, I guess.
Follow Manisha Krishnan on Twitter.