What Do You Do with $70,000 Worth of Stolen Bull Sperm?

A group of thieves has stolen four pints of bull semen from a farm in Minnesota, so that's what's up. Police in the town of LeRoy are investigating after thieves made off with a $500 storage container filled with vials of spunk that were reportedly worth a combined $70,000 on the open market.

When you think about it, that's an awful lot of bull semen. Let's do some back-of-the-envelope bull jizz math: Your average bull can fill between five and 50 0.25cc vials (or "straws") per output, and they can typically jizz about once a day. So like a low-yielding bull takes about 45 bolts of sperm to fill a pint glass, a more Peter North–esque bull might do it in four-and-a-half. As already pointed out: That's an awful lot of bull semen.

The worst thing about all of this is the amount of work involved in getting a bull to jizz. It's not the only method, but one accepted way of getting bull semen out of the bull and into a vial is by locking the bull in a sort of clumsy stocks, putting your arm elbow-deep into its ass while feeling around for the seminal glands, then inserting an electronically controlled anal probe—imagine a Rampant Rabbit jacked up to a car battery—and making it pulse. Imagine doing that 45 times then having the resultant jizz stolen. Imagine how the bull feels. A life's work, stuffed into a coolbox and stolen.

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Police say the incident happened between the April 1 and April 7, but the owner told the media he and the farm hand were only away from the site between 11 AM and 3:30 PM on Easter Sunday. The goods were kept in an unlocked barn and milking parlor, and police are warning anyone else who might have valuable bull jizz lying about to maybe be more cautious about where they store it.

The bull sperm market is a pretty lucrative one, because artificial insemination is one of the most consistent methods of impregnating a cow and dairy farmers have to get each cow pregnant at least once a year to keep them producing milk. It's thought of as less dangerous as just letting a bull go rut-crazy in a field (bulls are pretty fierce), and a fertile sire can lead to fertile offspring. Bulls whose offspring produce more milk are more sought after, and their jizz is worth more. There is such a thing as a bull Hall of Fame. You don't think about bull sperm enough, you know? But it's there, floating about, all around us. Next time you go past a Jeep juddering down a country road, just consider: There is probably some very lucrative sperm bouncing around in the trunk.

That said: What do you do with four pints of ill-gotten bull sperm? It's a question we all, sometimes, have to ask ourselves. Because even if there were a shady black market for bull spunk—picture toothless men sidling up to people in dive bars, opening their trench coats to reveal row upon row of glimmering spunk vials—even if it was possible to shift a vast amount of semen in a legally uncool way, you'd still hold a pint back for the fun of it, wouldn't you? If you wouldn't keep a pint of stolen bull spunk in your fridge—given the opportunity to have a pint glass of bull spunk, with a cling-film-and-rubber band situation on top to keep it fresh—then I'm sorry, I don't class you as a proper human.

This is information that is only going to help the police, because the local authorities have told the Austin Daily Herald that they don't have any suspects. Here's how you find who stole the spunk, police: Look for people offering their friends protein shakes while laughing. Look for groups of men dropping suspect water balloons off the tops of tall buildings. Trace the IP address of anyone who, in the past ten days, has googled "bull spunk makes good gravy?" Look between the cracks of acceptable human behavior and you will find your spunk perps.

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