These Smokeable Hemp Brands Can Legally Mail You CBD Joints

At this point in life, our personality cheese has aged to the point of actively *not* seeking a cannabis smoke sesh that might risk getting us baked beyond belief and sending us into a free-falling case of the Weed Scaries. Taxes? Healthcare? The shadow in that one corner that looks like Meghan McCain’s cursed hair?!? We just don’t need the mind tornado. Plus, it takes twice as long for us to spring back to life the next day. If only, we sitcom-dad sighed, there was a way to smoke some weed-y stuff with a lower, more gentle percentage of the high we got as teens. 

Well, great news, champ. As it happens, it’s 2021, and there’s a whole world of hemp-derived CBD joints and goodies on the web. Best of all, you can purchase them all, legally, yes [rings Liberty Bell] LEGALLY around the United States. Unlike the wacky hydroponic stuff you might find at dispensaries or get passed by a dealer, hemp-derived, low- or no-THC, high-CBD joints and nugs are marketed as intentionally low-grade and mellow (we had one of our writers try one, and he reported as much). These CBD hemp cigs are vibey, not mad expensive, and branded in a way that would make your 1979 alter ego proud. Most of all, they promise not to strap your brain to a hoverboard of stress, but gently cradle it out of the news cycle and potentials for paranoia, and into a cloud of federally legal, cannabinoid flower bliss. It looks like weed, it smells like weed, and it smokes like weed, but it won't give you that whOoOa high that many of us miss, but if we're being honest, can't really handle.

Put up your feet, and behold the three brands currently leading the smokeable hemp pack (and the jewels in our paranoia-free hemp flower crown).

The hemp strains and blends by Cannaflower shalt be pedastled in your pantry, what with names like Jumble Cookie (“Like a warm cookie straight out of the oven, relax and smile with this unparalleled treat”), Berry Cobbler (“Dense frosted buds with notes of berry and earth deliver the perfect evening wind-down”), and Sour Dog (described as “a charged sativa-dominant variation on two classics [and] a great uplifting strain for anyone looking for a heady burst of energy and inspiration”). Any company that wants to make us feel like hyper-sentient Labradors who have already filed their taxes is cool by us. Also, we very much appreciate the extensive, meme-worthy chart breakdown of all ingredients and potencies of things like “Myrcene, Humulene and Bisabolol” and all the other elves from The Hobbit. 

But despite the very dispensary-centric names, all of Cannaflower's stuff contains less than the federal legal limit of 0.3% THC. There are single-strain, small-batch, and full-spectrum CBD oils; there are pre-rolled CBD hemp joints, pure CBD hemp flowers, and a magical sampling packaging—crowned the Anytime–of flavors like Space Candy, Bubba Kush, and Hawaiian Haze. All praise our new Lunchables! Cannaflower is also offering 20% off today (4/20) on its website with the code 420FLASH. 

Akin to what you might’ve smoked in your parents’ basement when Jimmy Carter was president, Dad Grass is the smokeable, hemp CBD whose pre-rolls come in the kind of retro-perfect packaging one might invent in a time travel lucid dream, only to wake up and think, Well, that must’ve been too good to be true. “I gave up pot half a decade ago,” writes Adam Rothbarth in his Rec Room review of the Dad Grass, “but when I first tried [their hemp CBD] joint, it really did take me back to that lazy-day feeling of smoking a J, fulfilling all of the enjoyable, ritualistic aspects.” On this Most Holy 4/20, Dad Grass is giving VICE readers an exclusive discount code, VICE420, for 20% off if you’re too high flying today to smash that order button on their pre-rolls disguised as a box of swank (faux) French butter or some retro cassettes (same), fret not! The code lasts until April 25, 2021. 

In addition to reminding us of that Simple Minds song, Alive & Kicking seemingly loves three things: capybaras, Marjorelle blue, and tons of CBD hemp. The brand serves as the kindly purveyors of micro slim pre-rolls, each packed with 0.3 grams of premium, whole-flower CBD hemp, and they come in a pack of 14 joints small enough to slide into a pocket. Designed to look like cigarettes, A&K's dainty pre-rolls are super discreet and perfect for solo, "sessionable" moments. They’re available in two blends: Lifter—high CBD content, which A&K describes as perfect for daytime use, aches and inflammation—and Bubba Kush Hemp—woody, earthy, and, they say, great for winding down at the end of the day and promoting total body relaxation without the head high of THC. Alive & Kicking also makes drinkable hemp CBD jazz that purportedly works eight times faster than conventional hemp oil, as well as CBG and CBD hemp flowers that come in a Portlandia-ready bell jar. You can use the code MOMSRULE though May 12, 2021, to get 20 percent off the goods at Alive & Kicking.

Hey, just a reminder to mind and abide by local and federal laws pursuant to CBD and cannabis usage before purchasing these products. The products featured in this article shouldn't be used by those under the age of 18; are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease; and should be used only as directed on the label. Talk to your doctor before use if you have a serious medical condition or use prescription medications.

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