Driving down the highway I passed a construction site with a Porta Potty on the other side of a concrete barrier separating the highway from the site. It got me thinking that I bet pooping in that Porta Potty could be quite pleasant (if it were clean). The sounds of the cars passing by would somehow make it an enjoyably place to do my business. What's your choice for odd location bathroom that you'd find pleasure in doing your business?
If you had to redistribute the balls used in the four major sports, what, in your opinion, would be the best configuration? For example:
The NFL uses a baseball instead of a football
The NBA uses a football
MLB uses a puck
I'd give the NHL the baseball because, like a hockey puck, a baseball is small and dangerously solid. You could kill a man by slapping a baseball into his throat, which would keep the thrill level of hockey mostly intact in the transition. Then I would give MLB a basketball, but I would cheat and make kicking the ball legal, then I would make it legal to tag a runner out by pegging his ass with it. PRESTO. Instantly better sport. These are things that our sports overlords should be thinking about during the COVID outbreak. Ron Manfred would implement my plan all wrong, but I stand by my request for DISRUPTION.As for the other two sports, I would give the NFL the puck. For this question, I wanted to throw a hockey puck out in my yard to see how far it would go, but I couldn't find the single hockey puck we own. Shit. Let's just say I could toss the fucker a couple dozen yards anyway, especially if I throw it Frisbee-style, like I'm an idiot hanging out in the middle of a college quad. You'd have to give the receivers special gloves so that they don't break their hands. Also, fumbles would go extinct but fumbles are annoying anyway. But I think we could make puck football work.
The NHL uses a basketball
What other use IS there for tissue? The only reason I reach for the Kleenex is so that I can pick my nose without judgment. So long as the Kleenex is in my hand, I can do what I want to my nose. I can forage for boogers deep inside of it. I can show it hardcore pornography. NO HOLDS BARRED.Of course, touching your nose at all when you're outside right now is a poor idea both for public health and for your reputation. You don't wanna be the nose toucher guy. I have done my best to limit picking my nose once I step out the door, which of course only jacks up the urge to pick it by 500%. But once I get back inside, forget it. My nose is a playground. I can pick all day and all night, and I do. Feels great.
Sometimes I get stubborn sticky boogers that won't dislodge even with the heartiest of blows into a tissue. Is it socially acceptable to pick my nose through a tissue? (i.e., insert finger into nose with a tissue "condom" if you will.)
You're assuming there'll BE a United States a few months (or, ugh, four years) from now, and that's one shaky-ass bet. But yeah, let's pretend that the virus pisses off and we somehow miraculously go back to being the same shitty country we were in 2019. Let's also pretend Trump finally fucking leaves. I know that banning his account just as it becomes politically irrelevant would be a primo Jack Dorsey move, but it's an even MORE primo Dorsey move to let Trump continue tweeting endless bullshit that keep 30% of the country intent on killing themselves and taking everyone else with them. Because that makes for a much healthier public discourse.So no, they ain't ever deactivating his account. They'll ban you for suggesting it, though. You're affordable collateral damage to the powers that be. I think this month has proven that in manifold ways.Peter:
As soon as Donald Trump is not president of the United States, will Twitter deactivate his account?
There's a whole Brian Regan bit about this, where "this" and "next" are somehow interchangeable. When it comes to days of the week, I adhere to "this" week being anytime in between this PAST Sunday (stay with me here) and the COMING Sunday, which marks the beginning of a new "this" week. That means the Friday at the end of this current week is, to me, this Friday. Next Friday is a week from this Friday. Once we get to Saturday, "this" Friday remains the day prior, because we have not yet crossed the Sunday threshold.
The Friday at the end of this current week: is it "this" Friday or "next" Friday? It's technically both, right? To me, it's "this" Friday, because it is the closest Friday in the future. How do you determine "this" vs. "next" day of the week?
I have to crumble the burger first, like I'm eating a poorly designed sloppy joe? I don't think I want that. I've cut a burger in half and laid it on a hot dog bun out of necessity. It happens to the best of us. That's not the same as eating a LONG, McRib-shaped hamburger, which I just found out is called a "longboy burger." ([Butthead voice] Uh huh huh huh they said "longboy.") That's just a normal, albeit long, burger. That's not a desperate picnic move.Re-purposing a normal burger patty onto a hot dog bun very much is. It's not better than a dog burger. Like Patrick said, if you cut a hot dog in half, then slice both halves lengthwise, you've got four meaty Kit Kat fingers you can stack to approximate the shape of a hamburger bun. It's not better than a plain hot dog, but it does the job. Make sure you slice them lengthwise, though. I've tried making a burger out of straight frankfurter halves and, as you might have guessed, those little piggies go rolling right out of the bun. So sad. You know what we need? Round, flat hot dogs: hot dog patties that fit on a leftover potato roll. You could even play football with them! I can make this happen. I've got the time! All I need is 500,000 kg of lips and assholes and a series of jerry-rigged processors and extruders. (put on foil hat) AND THEN…
What's better, a sliced hot dog on a hamburger bun or crumbled hamburger on a hot dog bun?
You gotta ask a professional about it. UNLESS you have a crippling fear of going to the psychiatrist, which would be a real catch-22. Asking me, of course, is arguably the LEAST effective way of addressing the problem.The good news is that you're hardly alone in being terrified of going to the dentist. According to this article (which includes tips for calming yourself down when Dr. Giggles calls), 15% of people have aggressive dentistphobia. It makes perfect sense. If early 90s standup comedy taught me anything, it's that everyone hates going to the dentist. Also, your first memories of going to the dentist are probably horrible. Your parents drove you to a strange office. A hygienist in a surgical mask barged into your mouth to poke and prod at your teeth and gums, and that was before they bust out the fucking polish, which tastes like sandy Trident gum. They then flossed your teeth with piano wire. Then they told you that you were a horrible person.
Most folks dislike going to the dentist. I have a full-blown phobia. I'm not afraid of needles, the sight of blood, or any other common thing that make people squeamish, but those metal tools scraping my teeth is the stuff of nightmares. I've found a super nice dentist that I like as a person, she's on board with hooking up nitrous oxide and Novocain in the event she needs to drill or do other invasive work, and my insurance covers almost everything. I STILL cannot bring myself into the office every 6 months, which then leads to long gaps between cleanings, inevitable cavities, and the screeching drill that sends shivers down my spine. Is there anything I can do?
Have you MET our President? He's about to sue the fucking coronavirus for libel.In all seriousness, my answer is yes. First of all, there is almost certainly some asshole out there who has used "so sue me" in a situation that genuinely merits litigation in response. Some landlord who's like, "Yeah I deliberately ran the building's tap water through the septic tank. SO SUE ME." It's an antiquated form of "sorry not sorry."On the other side, there are professional litigants like Dan Snyder who CONSTANTLY sue people because they're both bored and uncreative. Give Danny Snyder any opportunity to have his lawyer send you a threatening letter and he'll hop on that shit faster than a yacht orgy with Clinton Portis.Christian:
When someone uses "so sue me" to emphasize a statement or opinion, do you think anyone's actually done it?
Why are giants/gigantic creatures nearly always shown in slow motion on film/TV? If I was 50 feet tall, wouldn't it take me the same amount of time to make a stride or pick up an object as it does when I'm at my normal height, assuming body/weight/muscle mass remains the same? Aside from a few flying dragon scenes in GoT, I don't think I've ever seen a large creature move with the same speed in relation to their size. I'm 50 years old and I think about these things.
He just uses a pet name instead, like "honey" or "babe" or "coach" or some shit. Also, you can shorten Gisele to "Gigi" or some other, non-seminal variant without that much fuss. Or you can just lean into the gag and use JIZZ at will. I know that's what a fun couple would do, but fun has too much gluten in it for Tom Brady's liking.Also, Brady is exactly the kind of person who would establish a laborious workaround to avoid even the mildest of unpleasantries. He's a fucking prude. So yeah, he probably calls his wife "my one and only" or something equally cumbersome and beat so that he doesn't give people the idea that he's actually an enjoyable person. Because I've seen him take a 97-step drop the second people have gotten that impression. "The blame-and-shame media will do ANYTHING to make my wife's name sound like jizz. It's really disappointing!"
You know how most of us in relationships have shortened/or short form versions of our partners names? "Em" for Emma as an example. Given this, how does Tom Brady approach this scenario? Truly, he can't be heard screaming around his house "JIIIIIIIZ, WHERE ARE MY SPECIAL BLUE SOCKS?" or even worse (or better?) "JIZZY? ARE YOU DONE IN THE BATHROOM?" I mean, how does he avoid this? What's the alternative? "ELLE" is a total cop out that I won't accept.
Apparently emergency vehicles have special insulation so that if you're inside one, the siren isn't blasting at 200db. This is necessary because it would be bad if every paramedic in the country was driven insane by their own equipment. I already know these people have problems, okay? I've watched the trailer for Bringing Out The Dead. EMTs need relative quiet to do their jobs, just as I need it when I'm taking a duker.YOU, on the other hand, are in the way while you sit there idling in your Bronco. Therefore, it is vital that any passing fire truck obliterate your eardrums as it passes. I'm 43 years old and I STILL get angry about these vehicles being too noisy. They blitz past and I'm like, "Okay okay, WE GET IT! You need room, jeez buddy!" Meanwhile I nearly died in an ambulance 16 months ago. Perspective is for the weak. Since it's so nice sitting in that police car, maybe you guys should let ME drive it. HONK HONK WOO WOO OUTTATHEWAY EVERYONE THERE'S A POSSIBLE 5150 DOWN THE BLOCK AND I GOTTA MAKE A COLLAR.
Do you think it sucks to be in a car with a siren going off? I was stuck in traffic on the highway on my way home while an emergency organ transport car was trying to make its way uptown and while it drove ME nuts for the 15-20 seconds or so it was in my general vicinity, it got me wondering what it's like for the drivers of ambulances, cop cars, fire trucks, etc.
According to my wife, whose mom advice is far more accurate and reliable than my dad advice, you're supposed to cut your nails after you shower, when your extremities are warmer and more pliable. Do I listen to her? John, I do not. Instead, I clip my nails like I'm impulse-buying a Twix bar at the supermarket. If I notice one has gotten too long, I'm like I better go cut this. This doesn't happen after a shower. This happens, like, during church. In my case, there is a reason for it. I'm a lifelong nail-biter, I HAVE to clip an overgrown nail before my teeth get to it first. It's my only way of beating back the temptation, and that it why I have to clip my nails during your sister's wedding. She'll understand.Olaf:
I waffle between cutting my fingernails pre-shower, when they are nice and crisp and I get to enjoy watching the shards dart across the bathroom but have to pick them up later, and a nice and smooth post-shower cutting, when they are soft & supple and I can gently direct them into the toilet. The one thing I don't do is cut them over the kitchen sink like my Dad. That's gross.
It seems like movies are using more montages these days for when characters go experience life-changing events. 'A Star is Born' and 'Always be My Maybe' used an inordinate amount of montages in my opinion. I like a good montage but when it's half the movie I feel kind of robbed and find it to be lazy filmmaking.
Yes. Also, with all sports going dark, I am BEGGING the networks to broadcast simulated games. Use live announcers (working from home, of course). Use the same graphics you'd use for real games. Let Stephen A. rant for hours on end about the Virtual Knicks kicking customers out of the Garden for sipping their drinks too loudly. I know it would be easy to tune out at the beginning. But I'm so hard up for new sports right now I'll watch ANYTHING. Fake sports is better than nothing. You could even ban replay from these games! Then the real deal will come back and everyone will be like, "The fuck are these challenge flags for? Piss off." Just like in the real world, this is an opportunity to identify and eliminate practices that we NEVER should have been doing in the first place.
Would you consume an entire jar of mayonnaise if it meant a Vikings Super Bowl victory? No sandwich or other food, just a big spoon and Joe Buck in the background.
You will not believe me when I tell you I had no idea that garlic bread subs were a thing until, like, this year. Think of all the congenital heart disease I've been missing out on. HORRIBLE. Anyway, my in-laws marinate London broil in orange juice and soy sauce and then toss it on the grill. It's a wholly reliable dinner, and it beats dryass cheap cuts like eye round.But enough about that shit. Let's talk garlic bread sandwiches, because the next time I brave the grocery store, I'm gonna buy one of those frozen garlic bread loaves and then pile the insides high with ham, capicola, salami, mortadella, provolone, and then more salami. If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna do it MY way.Brad:
London broil is underrated. My parents fed it to us all the time growing up but I never really ate it again until I had kids of my own. Now it's one of my go-to beefs because it's 1) cheap, 2) easy, 3) delicious. My kids eat it without complaint and so long as you don't slice the whole thing at once. It's actually even better the next day on garlic bread.
Hell yeah they should do that. They could do that in a simulated season. The NFL loves endlessly tinkering with its rulebook. What better time to do it than during a slate of fake games? Sometimes I play Madden and I'm like, "This is TOO much like actual football." Well, here's a chance to broadcast football that's A) easier for the rest of us to digest, and B) not the XFL. The NFL is about to re-up their TV deals and somehow make even MORE money while the rest of us are left to rot. They could use a cancelled season to improve the TV product virtually without sabotaging real games to do it. Then, when the players are given the okay to come back, they could apply what they learned from the sims to make real football more watchable.Of course, that's me confusing dreams with reality. Instead of learning anything useful from a randomized video game season, Roger Goodell would force every subsequent real-life NFL kickoff to have a loading time of 37 minutes.
You once quoted a study about when NFL teams should decline punting and opt to go for it on 4th down, and about why coaches never make that risky decision. So why not remove the choice for the coach in order to enhance exciting competition? Shouldn't the league just update the rules so that teams CAN'T punt within four yards of a first down and/or within their opponent's 40?
Email of the week!
I recently turned 50 and unlike many of your readers who are newly or soon-to-be married, I've been married for 20 years. As a veteran of sorts, I've learned that you get used to your spouse's little foibles and start to hardly notice them as the years pass. However, there is one thing my wife does that, while not new, has started to bother me.
I work from home when I'm not traveling, so I've taken to doing the family laundry. (I find it strangely satisfying to tackle a mountain of laundry with bloodless efficiency, and will even walk the house looking for the last washcloth or sock to top off the final load). As I separate the laundry to put it in the machine, my wife's clothes are always in some various stage of being inside out which I find a little annoying but fine, no big deal. Her pants, however, will have her underwear still completely intertwined within them with the pants legs through the leg holes, which means she takes her pants and underwear off in one fell swoop, usually resulting in one leg inside out and the other kind of partially rolled up. Sometimes there is even a sock stuck in there. She makes no effort to separate these items before throwing them in the laundry bin.
My wife got sick of me throwing my shirts inside out into the laundry and, to teach me a lesson, now leaves them inside out whenever she has to fold them. That made me come correct REAL fast.
This is not normal, right? Should I say something, or just deal with it and hope age further numbs my brain?