We Reviewed Pornhub's Christmas Album

From "Holiday Freak Shit" to "Stuff Our Stockings Santa," the compilation—featuring A$AP Ferg and KentheMan—is for the ho ho ho's on the thotty list.
KC
Queens, US
December 1, 2020, 5:53pm
xxxmas-album
Photos courtesy of Pornhub

Let's face it: Pornhub has quietly been the curator of playlists for years. This is a no-judgment zone so it's okay to admit that you replayed that amateur video to catch the song playing obnoxiously loud in the background. It's no wonder then that the adult entertainment site is extending its reach beyond porn and releasing a Christmas album—or an XXXmas album—under their label Pornhub Records.

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As much as we want to hate it, we simply can't. With songs by Sukihana, A$AP Ferg, and KentheMan, and a special appearance by the site's most notable stars like Demi Sutra and Asa Akira, Pornhub assembled the raunchy Christmas album of your dreams, and it's just as explicit as you hoped. 

Following their Valentine's Day album, which featured artists like PnB Rock, Lil Xan, and Blac Chyna, XXXmas is proof that Pornhub has their ear to rap's most provocative acts. Either that or Young M.A., who won the 2018 Visionary Award for her directorial debut on the site, called up a shortlist of her peers to deliver the 7-track project. And while we may never know what is really going on at the Pornhub headquarters, XXXmas is an alternate universe where Young M.A. is Santa Claus and the rest of us are just her hoes. We could probably write a dissertation on all seven tracks, but there are three tracks that make us excited for all the spiked eggnog this season has to offer:

KenTheMan, "Vixen"  
KenTheMan didn't always rap about sex. "Sex talk is so easy," she told us earlier this year. But "Vixen" follows the hot streak the Houston rapper has been on following her album 4 Da 304s and buzzing single new single "For Me." Ken brought along her signature producer Big Cuzz for "Vixen," a song that isn't just named after one of Santa's reindeer, but Ken's growing sultry presence on her bass-heavy records. "He tricking on me saying every day is Christmas / Pussy blessed, pussy special, and it's gifted," she raps. According to Ken, Santa isn't the only one with hoes, she has them too. But if you've ever listened to the bodacious rapper, you already knew that.

A$AP Ferg, "Mistletoe"
There is so much to unpack on Ferg's "Mistletoe." At first, he launches into an anecdote about tour bus sex and what happens when a woman asked him to spit on her. "She told me to spit on her, and I'm like, How I'm gon' do that? If I spit up at you and you riding me… I don't want the spit to fall on my face." What might have seemed like a pretty risqué story to share, actually just revealed that Ferg might not be freaky enough to be featured on a Pornhub compilation. As the only man on XXXmas, Ferg holds his own on the rest of the song, switching up his delivery channeling some Yeezus-esque cadence not otherwise typically used by the Harlem rapper. But, we can't help but wonder what City Girls, Mulatto, or even Jhené Aiko would've done—after all, her sister, Mila J, is on the project too. 

Sukihana, "Ho" 
Call us crazy, but Sukihana's "Ho" is the song we want to hear while decorating our Christmas tree. If December 1st marks the reign of Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas," we reserve the right to play "Ho" as soon as it gets dark every day at 4 p.m. for the rest of the month. "You want some ass, Santa? Well I want some cash, Santa? You wanna smash, Santa? / Well, what's in your bag, Santa?" For decades, female rappers have asked their suitors to put their money where their mouths are and Sukihana is bold enough to hold Kris Kringle to the same standard. It's the equal opportunity anthem we've been looking for. With a bag that big, Santa has got to come correct. 

Kristin Corry is a Senior Staff Writer for VICE.