Nothing says “making a connection” like using your WiFi router to performatively jack off in front of a webcam for someone 200 miles away. So describes the joy of video sex. However, the course of true love never did run smooth, and video sex also has the propensity to go very wrong.
Of course, freaky stuff can of course go wrong in person too – like making contact with toilet paper on someone’s bumhole or getting addicted to cuckolding – but adding an internet connection, layer of anonymity or parental flatmates can get you into some extra hairy (!) situations.
For example, I remember a few years ago chatting to a guy on Bumble who seemed entirely normal. We spoke for a while, and because I was horny and so was he, the conversation migrated to FaceTime and got a little hot and heavy. Before I knew it, I was wearing some tiny denim shorts and performing a strip tease for a man I had never met. I slowly slid my shorts down over my arse for the big reveal, and saw him increase the speed of his wanking. He then spaffed, and his screen went black. The FaceTime ended and the chat went silent. A year later, he Whatsapped to say “Who is this? I have your number saved under no name.”
What I learned from that situation is: don’t do online stripteases with randoms unless you’re being paid. This week, I also learned tragic misadventures like mine are a common price to pay for digital sexual liberation. Please enjoy these further tales of video and cyber sex gone wrong.
"HE ZOOMED THE CAMERA IN ON A VERY FULL DIRTY ADULT NAPPY"
I have been a sex worker for four years now, and in all my time this is truly the grossest thing that’s happened to me on cam. Without judging, I can say I’ve seen a lot of strange things.
I specialise in hard kinks such as urine, toilet play and hardcore BDSM, but my hard limit is scat play, so basically shit. I had a guy ask me for a Skype session, I said "of course", and gave him my rates and hard limits. I am a professional submissive, so Skype sessions consist of me degrading myself while my client tells me what to do.
I answered his call but the screen was very dark, and I couldn’t see him that well. I asked him to turn the brightness up and I saw that he had zoomed the camera in on a very full dirty adult nappy. He was playing with the contents. I have never blocked someone so fast in my life. — Katy*, 22
"SOMEBODY TEXTED ME A STILL OF THE VIDEO WITH THE CAPTION 'I KNOW'"
I got really stoned at a house party one night when I was at art school. Me and this girl went into a bedroom and found a video camera. We thought it would be really funny to film ourselves having sex, so we did. I’m still not sure why it was so hilarious to us at the time. Anyway, after sleeping together we left and I forgot about the whole incident for about three to four years. Then one day out of the blue, somebody texted me a still of the video, which I’d never seen, with the caption “I know what you got up to.”
It was like something out of a creepy film. I freaked out, thinking they were going to publish it online or something and I had to text my straight best mate the image to ask her if I could get away with saying it wasn’t me. Nothing happened in the end and the number that sent the text led nowhere. But to this day I have no idea who sent it… — Emily, 31
"I JUST HEARD SOMEONE SCREAMING – IT WAS HIS MUM"
Back in 2014, I was dating this cute boy semi-long distance. We would see each other around three times a week, but sex three times a week wouldn't do for me. I was living by myself, so noisy vibrators and lots of sexting was a part of my routine. But I needed more. His dick pics were bleh. I wanted to cam him, but he was still living with his parents. After some persuasion, he finally called me. Everything was going great, the sex talk was on fire. We were on fire. Then as I was orgasming, I just heard someone screaming – it was his mum. His very Catholic mum. Who had just walked in the room. It was the beginning and the end of our video sex relationship, and our actual relationship. He was still dependent on his parents and his mum now thought I was a monster.
This isn’t even my only “mum vs cyber sex” story. I went to uni very young, and back in 2011 I was already studying. I had no friends besides my boyfriend at the time. We'd had sex a couple of times, but because we went to different colleges far apart, most of our sexual life was based on sexting, phone sex and video sex. I went home for the weekend, my family was out, and I thought it would be the perfect time to have some sexy talk time with the bf. His camera was working perfectly, but the audio wasn't. So he was typing, giving me instructions on how to touch myself, including anal play. It was amazing, everything went perfectly. Orgasm for me, orgasm for him. I went to take a shower, just to get out of the bathroom and find my mum on my laptop, looking at me with the most empty eyes ever. She’d opened the laptop to find the weather for the weekend and instead found out her sweet little girl was into BDSM and anal. She didn’t even know I was having sex. She completely destroyed my laptop, smashing it against my study table. I wasn’t even mad. It was understandable. — Nicole*, 25
"THERE'S PROBABLY A LOAD OF PAEDOPHILES WITH MY DICK PICS IN THEIR HARD DRIVES"
When I was a teenager, I was a horny mess. I still am. This was back in the days of Bebo, and there were groups where women and men would chat and often give you their MSN for webcam chats. Sometimes it'd just be you and some random women just masturbating, terribly. Other times they'd ask you to webcam and they'd send pictures, which to me, a young naïve teenager with no common sense and ADHD, meant I thought I'd scored the most beautiful women in the world. As an adult, it's pretty obvious that those people were not really the beautiful women I thought they were.
I pretty much just endlessly sent out pictures of my dick to these people on MSN messenger, in hopes of even a nipple back. So there's probably a load of paedophiles with my dick pics in their hard drives. But it's done now. It doesn't really bother me, as a kid I'd probably still have done it regardless, because I was stubborn and lived in a world where I believed no harm could come to me. Back then MSN was full of cyber sex. I had no idea what I was doing. — James, 27
*names changed to protect identity
Quotes edited for length and clarity.
This article originally appeared on VICE UK.