10 Questions You Always Wanted to Ask a Psychotherapist

This article originally appeared on VICE Germany

There's no couch in Daniel Wagner's practice in Cologne. The 34-year-old psychotherapist sits diagonally across his clients. "That way I'm facing them, but it also gives people enough space to occasionally avoid eye contact. I also prefer to use the word "clients" over "patients". I do not want to make anyone sound more unwell than they already are," he explains.

His clients are also free to blank him if they accidentally run into each other on the street – he never initiates contact. "No one should ever be put in the awkward position of having to explain who I am. If a client greets me, then I will greet them back."

We asked him some more questions we always wanted to ask a therapist.

VICE: Is it true that most therapists struggle with mental health issues themselves?
Daniel Wagner: There might be some truth in that cliché. I am under the impression that some of my colleagues might fall into that category. On the other hand, who can really say what "normal" is? I sure can't. Through my job one thing has become clear to me: There is no strict distinction between mental health and mental illness. Everyone has their own set of quirks and most have had difficult childhood experiences. Behavioural patterns and habits can become a problem if they cause suffering.

What are your worst childhood memories?
I definitely didn't have a very difficult childhood. But as a psychotherapist, I have had to learn to reflect on my childhood. I personally was "a Harmoniser". If there were any conflicts between my brother and parents, I wanted to help get over them. That kind of instinct can become a burden in life – settling conflicts and focusing on the wellbeing of others more than your own, I mean. Today, I know how important it is to take care of myself too.

Do you ever get annoyed by your clients' whining?
I don't think any of my clients whine. If someone goes through all the trouble of actually going to see a psychotherapist, then usually there really is a problem. No one does that just to have a good cry. What for some may seem like first world whining, to me is a en expression of an underlying deeper problem.

You are bound to an oath of confidentiality. But, honestly, how often do share the really good stories with your friends?
There really are quite a few stories that would be tempting to share with friends. But I never actually think of crossing that line. Doctor/patient confidentiality is one of the most important requirements of my job.

I look after politicians, actors and well-known businessmen. It's essential to know how to keep things to myself. Even if I'm dealing with really intense subjects, like white collar crime. Sometimes I already know that a story is about to blow up in the press before the news reports are published.

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How often do you catch your clients lying?
It can happen some times – for example, when it comes to the subject of erectile dysfunction. Many men don't talk about this on their first meeting. Some even try to act particularly masculine in order to make a good impression. It's only once trust has been established that people talk about their problems. But that is totally ok. My job is not to expose people. I am not a cop or a lawyer; I'm a therapist. I work for my clients, not against them.

Have you ever been scared of a client?
There have been tense situations in which a client may have reacted aggressively. But I've never been scared of someone attacking me physically. Sometimes, I worry that something might happen to my client or others due to their actions. For instance, I also work with people who are paedophiles. Obviously, I worry that the client might act on certain thoughts and impulses and do something terrible.

Have you ever had a client commit suicide?
Fortunately, so far no one has. But I know it's highly probable that this might happen at one point. But if a client tells me they want to kill themselves, then it is my responsibility to figure out whether they will be able to make it to the next meeting, or if I should protect them from themselves by having them institutionalised. However, compulsory institutionalisations are very rare. Clients are usually quite understanding.

Can you make anyone cry if you want to?
[Thinks for a while] I don't think so. [Think again] No. The answer is "No". If I know someone really well then I would know how to push their buttons. But why should I trigger that? And in therapy I don't even have to do that. The probability that a client will cry during a session is roughly 50 percent. The tears come by themselves.

How often do clients fall in love with you?
This happens some times - with men and women. Some people are quite direct about it, but more often they will just ask if I would like to hang out with them in private. As a therapist, I am the one who has to listen to you no matter what. I devote all my attention to you. I endure all your feelings, take you seriously and I am there for you – of course that's highly attractive. So I tell those clients that I feel honoured and then try to explain the above. I never start anything with a client. I am prohibited by law from entering a private or business relationship with any client before 10 years have passed since our last session. That's cause I would be able to use whatever information I have on them to manipulate them.

What's dating a therapist like?
I think it's the best thing that could happen to you. Do you think it's easy to find a sensitive man who knows how to deal with emotions? Someone who knows that there are such things as emotions. And he can also listen to you talk about those emotions. Isn't that great?