The Animals are Coming For Us

A high school golfer was attacked by a deranged goose during a tournament in Michigan.
Photo via Twitter/@BlissfieldAthletics

It is only by the chances of fate, a ripple here or there in the primordial soup, that we, humanity, have evolved in such a way as to exert control over this blue planet. We discovered and harnessed the power of fire. We sailed all seven seas. And when that was too slow we took to the skies. We have designed and built staggering feats of engineering that can be seen from space, and we know that because we've been to goddamned space, too.


But ours is a tenuous grip. We are not alone on this planet, and we are always subject to its whims, whether that be a massive hurricane eating up everything in its path, or a lion deciding it wants to eat up everything in its path. If they so desire, the animals can come for us. And we have just been given a warning shot.

Welcome to Wolf Creek Golf Club, a tract of land in Michigan that humans decided to raze for the purposes of enjoying some leisure activities. During a high school golf tournament over the weekend, one goose decided to strike a blow for the animal kingdom and exact a small measure of revenge against the human conquerers.

His prey? Isaac Couling, a 16-year-old sophomore at Concord High School who had just teed off on the seventh hole. There was a nest nearby that the teams were aware of, but one coach swears they made sure not to disturb it. It mattered not.

"They were aware of a goose nest on their left, which they were looking at but not bothering," said Babbitt, "when from behind them and to the right came the guard goose (protecting the nest)."

And protect it it did. Behold the fury of the animal world as it can no longer stomach the sight of humanity treating literally the entire world like its own private playground, scuffing it up, littering it with trash both literal and figurative:

Photo via @BlissfieldAthletics

First it's a goose and golfer. Soon enough the large cats will take notice. The bears will join them. Vultures will salivate in the skies. And then we will learn the harsh truth, we will not even be able to choose two members from the animal kingdom to help fight the rest off. They will have all come for us.

Couling, speaking to the Detroit News after the attack, said he was left alone to fend for himself. "No one came to help," he said. When the animals rise up, no one will.