Yesterday, Buckingham Palace announced that Meghan Markle had given birth to her and Prince Harry's first child – a baby boy. This news provoked all the reactions we've come to expect from a royal birth: unbridled, near-manic joy from Americans; absolutely wild tabloid takes about the child "healing a divided Britain"; shit Game of Thrones banter; and your boyfriend glancing up from his dinner (two bowls of Frosties) to tweet: "Who cares?"
Naturally, in the Mail Online comments section, things were really popping off. If you've spent as much time in that septic tank as I have over the past few weeks, you'll know that there were a ton of conspiracy theories and rumours surrounding the coming of the Queen's eighth great-grandchild.
A few personal favourites include: Meghan having a fake, electronic baby bump to cover the fact she was using a surrogate; Prince William being the actual father of the baby, and lying about it as some sort of ruse to form an alliance between the UK and US (?); and, most importantly, the possibility that the Royal Baby would be revealed on the cover of Vogue – which is actually a huge flex for an infant if true. Unfortunately, so far none of these theories have been proved accurate.
However, that hasn't stopped the Mail commenters from saying their piece. Besides the frequent use of the word "sprog", and the complaints that we now all have "another mouth to feed", here are some of the best comments on a piece entitled, "Revealed: Overdue Meghan's home birth dream was dashed as she was secretly whisked to a London hospital on Sunday by Harry and his Scotland Yard security team before their 'to die for' baby boy was born at 5.26am."
Ah, yep: one black parent, one white parent – he will of course look exactly like Boris Becker's mixed race son.
First off, strange to take offence at describing the baby as a "little thing", no? That is objectively what it is.
Also, Jove seems to lack some fairly basic knowledge about the development of human children. Unless, of course, he's just getting royals confused with vampires – i.e. in Twilight, when the vampire baby, Renesmee, grows up over the course of a very short montage and an adult wolf-man falls in love with her?
When Harry addressed the press he did refer to his son as "to die for", which is incredibly dramatic – and yes, lovemydogs617, a strange expression. But if half the world's press doorstepped you moments after the birth of your first child, you'd probably say some dumb shit too.
Personally, being called "not adorable" would be enough to eclipse the arrival of my first-born.
Laurahaw1973, if you're reading this, please tell me what you said.
No one's asking you to, Dr. Fury! Chill out!
Sorry, not dying for any fucker named Jeremy.