Some science now, and: it turns out men are four times as likely to die from a heart attack if it strikes during sex because they're too embarrassed to say anything.
Which, i: come on, guys – it might be embarrassing, but you know what's more embarrassing? Dying of a heart attack because you didn't want to stop fucking. And ii: surely it can't be that hard to prematurely bring things to an end if you're aware that your heart is shuddering to an abrupt halt? People have stopped having sex for much more minor stuff before.
Here, some stories of the most embarrassing things that have happened to people while they're naked with another person.
My one isn't full sex, but it is oral, which is close enough. It was actually my first time ever giving oral, and oh my god. I was 16 and I had a free house, so I invited some of my friends from school over, who brought more friends, and they all brought booze. I liked one of the guys who came over – we'd been texting and stuff. Anyway, one thing led to another and we ended up in my childhood bedroom, making out. I started giving him a blowjob, and I don't know if it was the alcohol or the fact I didn't know how to control my gag reflex – almost definitely the latter, actually – but I kept gagging and having to stop. So because I was kind of embarrassed about that I just tried to keep going, which I really wish I didn't do, because I ended up gagging more, and then throwing up, mostly on my bed but also a bit on his crotch.
I met a guy in a club and went back to his, we started having sex and I got just the worst cramp in my leg. Like, it completely seized up and all the muscle went rock solid and it was so painful, and I tried to keep going but eventually had to be like, "Ugh, sorry – wait, wait, wait, I've got cramp!" That's basically it, but, like, who gets cramp so bad they have to literally stop fucking? It was so excruciating.
There was a guy at uni I'd really liked for ages, and we hooked up at mine after a house party. Long story short: I kept involuntarily queefing, which – you know, fine, whatever – but I could tell he really wasn't into it. He kept saying, "No, it's OK," while very visibly grimacing.
This was when I was 18 and at a school friend's 18th birthday party. His family were rich – they had this amazing, huge house with loads of rooms – and also Gibraltarian, so a few of his relatives had flown over to the UK for the party. There was a girl there who I was super into at the time – we'd been texting and went on one fairly awkward date, because I was very awkward at the time. But luckily, the guy had a sort of ice-statue vodka luge thing there, and that helped me be less awkward.
Anyway, me and this girl started making out on the dance floor and then decided to find a room upstairs. For some reason, we both got completely naked, and I started going down on her, my arse up in the air, facing the door. Two minutes in, that door flung open. We were on the bed being used by my friend's grandparents, who'd flown in for the event. So not only did they get a front and centre view into my butt, but then had to sleep in the bed two idiot 18-year-olds had been all naked in.
I was hooking up with this guy who, for an unexplained reason, didn't have a door to his bedroom, which quickly led to his cat strolling in and – with quite impressive agility, actually – hopping up and sitting on my shoulder while I was on top. The guy really loved this cat, so didn't seem too happy when I threw it across the room.
Basically, I started having sex with this girl and immediately felt like I was going to come. So I did everything I could to stop myself – thought of boring shit, clenched everything up – and managed to last for maybe two minutes. Then, when I did climax, I also farted extremely loudly – I think because I'd been tensing everything up and then just did this big release. It was fucking disgusting and embarrassing and incredible.
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