Would You Rather Live Your Weirdest Sex Dream or Have No Sex for Five Years?

Here's the thing about sex dreams: they're always weird. There's no limit to their weirdness, other than your imagination. You wake up feeling filthy (not in a good way) and wondering why your brain wanted to explore getting handcuffed to a dildo chair by your elderly neighbour.

Luckily, you can move on. Because it was just a dream, right? But what if you had to do it for real? Or if you refused to do it for real, you couldn't have sex for five years? This, dear reader, is the big question.

And we wanted to know how weird people were willing to get for long-term action. So we hit the streets of Melbourne and delved into the subconscious thoughts of strangers to get some answers.

VICE: Hey Vitto: Live out you weirdest sex dream or no sex for five years. Which one do you choose?
Vitto: Definitely act out the sex dream. For sure.

Why that one?
Because I simply can't not have sex for five years. I don't know what else to say.

Are you thinking about a particular scenario?
I'm not sure I want to tell you, it's so fucked up.

The more fucked up the better, Vitto.
Well, family stuff, you know? I had a dream about having sex with one of my cousins once, which I think is fine because I feel like that's something a lot of people fantasise about. But please, just remember, this was a dream.

So not getting laid for five years is worse than incest?
Absolutely. I think I'd just deal with having sex with my cousin in a very analytical way. Something that just happened, you know. And then we'd be fine.

Would you be worried about people's reactions?
We live under and follow Western standards, which doesn't really allow for incest to happen, but there are a lot of other cultures out there that do allow it. I don't think it's particularly unnatural, but I also follow those Western standards so I'm not saying I would ever do it. I don't think it's the worst thing in the world though. It's not like I've killed someone.

How would this affect your sex life?
First of all, she's a girl and I'm gay, So, I don't know. Maybe it'd turn me straight? I think I'd just look at it as a funny thing that has happened. I'd definitely tell people about it.

Is there a particular reason you couldn't give up sex for a few years?
I'm a guy? No, I think I would really struggle without having any intimate human contact for those years. That's kind of sad. I definitely couldn't sustain a relationship or anything if I couldn't have sex for that time.

Abstinence or a weird sex experience, what's it going to be Shelby?
I don't think I've ever had a weird fetish dream. The only thing I can think of is really horrible nightmares.

Was that to do with sex?
Yeah, it was a rape dream. So obviously, with that, I would prefer to not have sex for five years.

That's a pretty horrific thing to dream about. Did you need a bit of time to get over that when it happened?
Yeah I woke up crying, like, I had tears streaming down my face and everything. I calmed down after a while though—when I realised it was a dream.

How would abstaining from sex for all those years change your current and future relationships?
I think with my friends I'd be fine, but it wouldn't work with my partner.

So you wouldn't be able to sustain a relationship with them?
I'm not sure. Sex is a really big part of our relationship, so I think it'd be a really hard thing for us to deal with. I mean, it's easy for me to answer this because I'm here, thinking about it, but I guess I would just have to talk about it with her and see how she reacts and we'd go from there.

Being in your 20s, do you think you'd feel robbed of certain experiences by not having sex for that amount of time?
I don't think so. It'd be a good time to get to know myself and be confident in being independent. I think sex is great, and it helps people to be more well rounded. But I think sex isn't a necessity. It'd be hard, but you could do it.

What's your answer Matt?
I could easily go five years without sex.

The dream must be pretty horrendous then.
I guess the most regular kind of sex dream I have involves being kidnapped, or having my drink spiked. Something where I've lost control. There was also one where my headmaster walked in on us. That took me like 10 minutes after I woke up to realise that it wasn't real. I would happily give up sex if I could avoid that happening.

Do you think there was a particular reason it was your headmaster? Is it possibly masking some sort of hidden feelings or desires?
Well, it isn't always my headmaster. It's been other people, like my parents and stuff too. Being walked in on by figures of authority I guess is just a recurring situation. I think it comes back to that idea of upholding who and what you are, and your reputation suddenly changing… and just being in a vulnerable situation.

Are these things connected to fears you have anyway, and they're just made worse because sex is thrown into the mix?
Yeah I think it plays into that fear of losing control more broadly. I'll use a specific example: It really terrifies me that someone could put something in my drink and then I wouldn't have any control over my actions, and that things could happen which aren't in your power.

What would change in your life if you didn't have sex for that time?
I'm in a long term relationship, so I guess that's something that would definitely change. But I think you can have personal intimacy in your conversations and stuff like that. As long as I still had someone to turn to, I think I'd be fine. The biggest thing for me in relationships is having someone who understands you… that's far more important than having sex.

Hey Jess, what will it be?
I'd live out my sex dream.

And what would that involve?
Nothing particular comes to mind. It's usually just sex somewhere in public. Not that shocking really.

Are there any other details? Does it involve anyone you know?
Yeah, it's always weird when you dream of a friend, especially if you're not that attracted to them. And I'm a person who needs an emotional connection with someone. I can't just detach easily so I'd be hard.

Ok so let's say you didn't do that and you had a five-year dry spell. How do you think that'd affect you?
I think I'd have to tune all of your energy into something else. Something good might actually come of it.

Hey Alex, no sex or weird sex?
Alex: Who doesn't not want to have sex for five years? I'd definitely just act it out so it's done and dusted so I move on with my life.

And you, Jay?
Jay: Definitely the gross sex dream, because what if the dream only goes for five seconds? That's five seconds of weirdness I would rather have than five years of nothing.

What's the weirdest sex dream you've ever had?
Alex: I don't really think I've had a weird sex dream, nothing I can think of anyway.
Jay: Sex that only lasted for three seconds, I think that's fairly horrific.

Ok so let me paint a picture: You've dreamt about having sex with someone who you think is pretty hot and, all of a sudden, they are super old and have rotting teeth. Does that change your opinion at all?
Alex: I mean, that's fairly disgusting. But, no. Not having sex for five years is a long, long time.
Jay: Yeah five years is just such a long time. No deal!

How do you think your life would change if you didn't have sex for that time?
Alex: I would be so stressed all the time. I've done a drought before, I don't want to do that again.
Jay: Yeah, like, how would you release tension? I haven't had sex for five months and that's been shit. So I don't know what I'd do for years.

Would the sex you have with other people be affected by this experience?
Alex: I don't think so. Just because it was like that one time, doesn't mean every time is going to be the same. I think I'd be able to emotionally distance myself from it and I'd be fine.
Jay: I think we've all had bad encounters and you get over that, eventually. It might also change the way you have sex in a good way, you know? Trying something new might open your eyes to stuff and you grow to love it. Who knows.

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