This gives a whole new meaning to the term "trouser snake." This story starts with a man in Bangkok, Thailand, named Terdsak Kaewpangpan who woke up and took a seat on the toilet to handle some… ahem… important business. But when he tried to stand up, he felt a sudden and intense pain on his manhood.
"I was about to get up from the toilet [and] I felt a bite," he told Amarin TV, a Thai broadcaster. "I immediately knew it was a snake. I stood up, squeezed the python’s head [and] ripped it off of me. The blood was everywhere."
It was basically this scene from Snakes on a Plane, but Terdsak was lucky. Instead of bleeding to death, Terdsak had a neighbor drive him to the nearest hospital, where he received 15 stitches on his penis and scrotum. Now, wait a minute, you might be wondering, how the hell wasn't he surprised to find a python hanging off his dick? Well, it turns out Terdsak and everyone else who worked out of his home that doubles as an office for his production company already knew there was a snake in the home's plumbing. They even made jokes about it, saying "watch out for the snake!" whenever anyone went to the bathroom.
"The house has two bathrooms," he told the local media. "About two months ago, someone else saw a snake in one of the bathrooms, but we couldn't catch it. After that we just stopped using that bathroom and switched to the other one. I didn't think the pipes were connected. I was reckless."
A local animal control officer was able to wrangle the toilet python in about 30 minutes and save anyone else from future tragedy. And it turns out that's a pretty common job in Thailand. Snakes, mostly pythons and cobras, you know the exact kind of snakes you don't want to find in your toilet, routinely slither up the pipes to pop out when people are at their most vulnerable. In 2017, animal control officers removed an insane 4,612 snakes from people's homes—the vast majority of them (4,519) were pythons.
In 2016, a different man was bit on the penis by (presumably) a different python. Another was bit on the ass. And just this week a woman woke up with a king cobra snuggled up beneath the sheets. There's apparently a Thai folktale about how waking up with a snake in your bed means you have a secret admirer out there, which is sorta sweet for something so dangerous.
As far as we know there's no folktales about finding a python in your toilet, aside from having some pretty shit luck.