Welcome to Angus Take House – a weekly column in which I will be pitting two of the wildest takes the world's great thinkers have rustled up against each other. This is your one-stop shop for the meatiest verdicts and saltiest angles on the world's happenings. Go and grab a napkin – these juicy hot takes are fresh from the griddle.
What’s the story: Sex being good for all involved.
Reasonable take: Was that good for you?
Pork Loin Take: I do not need to ask if that was good for you, for I am the Love Lord.
You may remember Austin Powers from films such as a Goldmember and The Spy Who Shagged Me. Well the good news is, he’s getting Guardian commissions now. I jest of course, this “My Life in Sex” column is in fact written by “Anonymous” – as in “Anonymous until he gets half a pint of IPA in him this weekend and starts telling everyone he is the Expert Shagger from the paper.” It is an explanation of, basically, how easy it is to make women orgasm. That’s right, Anonymous can guarantee 100 percent satisfaction, 100 percent of the time. At this stage I’m better off copy and pasting large sections:
I’ve never asked, “How was that for you?” because, frankly, I haven’t needed to. I’m 49 and have been good at giving women orgasms since I started having sex; it’s something I can do on demand, either orally (never fails) or, to a slightly lesser extent, with penetration.
This is very: “unearthed lube commercial from 1972 starring Roger Moore”, isn’t it? One breath away from “I use Gentlemen’s Ointment, for a smooth ride, every time.”
I learned from reading pornographic magazines with a high lesbian sex content when I was a teenager. It’s all about getting very familiar with my partner’s anatomy and reading how she’s reacting to my touch. It’s not rocket science.
Whereas this is very huffing, red-faced bloke explaining how to get an old Citroën started. “Basically if you want to give them a good time, give the manual a quick once over – should be in the glove compartment – then have a fiddle. Double-check the anatomy, try one of the nipples, and if that doesn’t work just do oral until she starts chuckling. It’s not rocket science.”
How do I know my partners have never faked an orgasm? I don’t suppose I do with 100% certainty – but they’ve all displayed a few seconds of what I can only describe as total paralysis. There’s also an extreme sensitivity of the clitoris and sometimes nipples immediately afterwards. My current partner starts helplessly chuckling to herself. I haven’t experienced that before, but at least she’s consistent.
Now, I’m no “sexpert” but I’m not sure how I feel about total paralysis as a measure of sexual satisfaction. Or helpless chuckling. Immobility and mirth? Job well done. Also, an excellent use of the word "consistent" here to bring us back into Auto Traders territory. “Reliability is the sign of a good engine. I don’t need to know how fast she can run, I just need to know that she will run, without fail.”
Once, during a relationship counselling session, the therapist asked my now ex-wife whether bad sex was ever an issue. Even in her total hostility, she gave me an A+ rating.
Even in her hostility she began chuckling helplessly! And who are we to judge? This bloke is 49-years-old, and by all accounts could shag half of Woking between episodes of The Grand Tour.
What’s the story? My girlfriend masturbates after we have sex.
Reasonable take: There is a slim to huge chance your sex isn’t totally satisfying her.
Billy Bear Take: Will her appetite for constant orgasms ever be satiated?
You may well have seen this take/cry for help already this week, as the (again anonymous) author has been rinsed pretty relentlessly for it. Essentially his issue is that after he has sex with his girlfriend, she tells him to have a shower. He has recently discovered this is in order to give her a chance to masturbate, so has turned to the world to ask one of the limpest, longest "Whys" ever uttered.
Our naive hero reckons the “sex is good”, so has come to the only logical conclusion that she must be “insatiable”. The fact that men orgasm 95 percent of the time during sex, compared to women who tend to languish between 50 and 70 percent in most studies, doesn’t apply here. She is insatiable. Even after another Wednesday night 2 minute 20 seconds bout of ferocious love-making, she still wants more. Will she ever be full? I am worried she might kill me in my sleep.
The Guardian’s agony aunt – Pamela Stephenson-Connolly – indulges the silly sod, telling him: “Many women crave a second orgasm, especially if she has been super-aroused during intercourse. Perhaps she doesn’t want to bother you for that extra pleasuring, or maybe she is afraid you might think her too demanding.”
Is there a more damning epitaph to a breakdown in physical communication than: Perhaps she doesn’t want to bother you. Very bleak. Very, very bleak.
Prime Cut: Well obviously the worst take of the week is number two, because the Master Shagger is in fact a legend. Best of luck to him and all who are paralysed by him, I say!