Life

Never Ask This Question During a Fight With Your Partner

never-ask-this-question-during-a-fight-with-your-partner
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No one enjoys arguing with the person they love, but conflict is inevitable within relationships. Thankfully, there are healthy ways you can communicate with your partner and resolve issues from a loving place.

There are, of course, also certain ways you can derail the conversation and turn a simple conversation into a fight. Many of us don’t even realize we’re doing it…

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I stumbled upon this TikTok the other day that detailed the one specific phrase to avoid when you’re arguing with a significant other: “Name one time I did that.”

@jordybouletviau

Always at the worst moment 🤝🏼😂

♬ original sound – Jordan Boulet-Viau

Now, I don’t know about you, but I’ve heard this countless times after expressing my feelings to a partner. And sure, they probably didn’t have ill intention when saying it—though many people do use this in a manipulative manner.

But oftentimes, when we’re met with defensiveness and put on trial, so to speak, we freeze. Our minds go black, and we lose our entire point.

Avoid this response during a fight

Many people relate to this TikTok video, with several people commenting on their own experiences with and opinions on the whole “Name one time I did that” remark.

“My husband and I have a rule that we are not allowed to ask for an ‘example of a time’ and instead say, ‘next time, can you please point it out in the moment because I’m not aware when I do that,’” one person wrote.

Another added, “Don’t worry. Even if you tell them in detail, they will not ‘remember,’ trust me. They will try to save themselves always.”

Unfortunately, this is definitely the case in many situations.

“The kicker is when you remember in extensive detail, or even come in with absolute 100% proof, and then it becomes ‘you take everything too personal,’ ‘hold onto the past,’ etc., but never a true apology or change in behavior,” a third person wrote.

How to respond during an argument

I looked into this concept even further and found an article published last year on SELF. Writer Anna Borges interviewed Jeff Guenther, LPC, also known as Therapy Jeff, on this topic.

“When somebody accuses you of doing something that’s harmful or hurtful, it’s natural to want to defend yourself and say, ‘Prove it!’” Guenther told SELF. “But that can quickly spiral into the ‘I’m right and you’re wrong’ kind of BS that never really creates any sort of healing, compromise, or emotional connection.”

Guenther made his own TikTok video on this concept, noting that “When was the last time I even did that?” might feel like a fair question, but really, it’s almost always a bad idea.

@therapyjeff

You know what feels like a fair question during a fight but almost always is a bad idea? Join me in patreon for extended commentary. #therapy #mentalhealth #relationshiptips #datingadvice #dating

♬ original sound – TherapyJeff

“I get why you want to know, but asking for receipts when you’re babe is emotionally vulnerable is not the move,” he said in his video. “Instead of turning the conversation into a debate or a court case, try focusing on the feelings being expressed.”

A better approach? “Acknowledge their feelings and show empathy,” he recommended. 

For example, if your partner tells you they feel neglected when you scroll on your phone before bed instead of talking to them, don’t immediately get defensive and ask for receipts on the last time you did that. Instead, empathize with and validate their feelings before further exploring the issue.

“Shifting the focus from defending your actions … to understanding their feelings makes a huge difference in solving conflicts and strengthening your relationship,” Guenther said in his video.