I have a lot of memories, my dude. A lot of memories collected, stacked away and assembled over the 24 years I have been alive. So many, in fact, that I don't remember most of them. That would be overwhelming. Instead, they come to me, suddenly, in glimpses; via a passing whiff of Britney Spears Fantasy Eau de Parfum, or one of those cultural countdown programmes presented by Alex Zane on Channel 5, or, as it were, last night's launch episode of Love Island.
If you didn't watch that episode of Love Island, or have never heard of the show, I'm not going to explain the premise to you because all reality shows are essentially the same: put some fit, horny people together in a house until they either bang or have blazing rows, or ideally both, interchangeably.
Last night's episode of Love Island was different, though. Because last night's episode of Love Island presented us with a contestant called Marcel Somerville, formerly known as MC Plat'num (with an apostrophe), formerly of iconic cultural behemoth Blazin' Squad. Remember? Remember?! They had that song "Crossroads" and that other song "Flip Reverse". They were around in 2002. There were ten of them. One of them briefly dated Jodie Marsh. It's probably all flooding back to you now, but just in case, here's a refresher:
For obvious reasons, Marcel Somerville who used to be MC Plat'num from Blazin' Squad didn't feel comfortable sharing the news that he is, in fact, Marcel Somerville who used to be MC Plat'num from Blazin' Squad. Who knows how the other contestants would react? He might get an unfair advantage over the other, non-ex-Blazin' Squad members. They might all spontaneously break out into a group rendition of "Crossroads" and that would just get awkward. It might become the central subject of the show. They might all plot against him out of pure jealousy. Fame does weird things to people. So, Marcel decided he better keep this fact to himself. Out of fairness. He only decided to tell the nation if Britain about it in the introductory segment where he talked about how he just couldn't decide if he were a boob or "bum man". Fair.
That was until he met fellow contestant Olivia, a woman who looks like a swimwear model with a face crafted by the computerised hands of Instagram, who made him feel comfortable enough to finally unveil the Big Secret. And so, he plonked her down outside in the garden on two bean bags, took a few deep breaths and finally came out with it.
"I'd rather keep it between ourselves because I don't want everyone to get a bit awkward," he began, whispering. "I produce music now, but when I was younger, I used to be in a band…"
"Do you remember the band called Blazin' Squad? I was… I was from the Blazin' Squad."
"There was about ten of us."
*More, deafening silence*
"I look totally different to how I did when I was in a band," he's fumbling now, flailing his arms. "It is a bit of a weird one me being in here."
Poor Olivia. She must have been so astonished, so dumbfounded, so shook that she was in the presence of greatness that she was completely paralysed. Literally speechless. How the fuck, she was probably thinking, am I able to continue, knowing I am breathing the same air as one tenth of who made THIS:
Later on, Olivia obviously realises she must have totally lost her cool at the news that Marcel Somerville used to be MC Plat'num from Blazin' Squad. So she decides to reel it back in again, regain some of her posture and save face. "I feel like I was really young when Blazin' Squad was a thing," she tells the camera, expertly feigning nonchalance. "I was trying to remember. When I think of Blazin' Squad I always think of that song '21 Seconds To Go'. What's that band? I don't recognise him from it but it's cool to know a bit more about him.'"
Ha! We can see right through you Olivia! Pretending to get your So Solids and your Blazin' Squads mixed up, when you know perfectly well that Marcel Somerville, who used to be MC Plat'num from Blazin' Squad, was partly responsible for THIS:
So there you have it. One tenth of 2002's greatest boy band back in our lives for good. The world is ready.
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