Stills courtesy of HBO
HBO just released fresh promotional images of various Game of Thrones characters sitting on the Iron Throne to hype up season eight. Unfortunately, the photos don’t appear to reveal much about who will actually win the big war for Westeros. In fact, they seem to imply that any of these 20 principals, including folks like, uh, Samwell and Grey Worm, might have a real shot at the crown. Personally, my money is still on T-Pain.
Anyway, one thing the pics do reveal is how comfortable each of the throne gamers are in the La-Z-Boy of power. In the spirit of desperately wringing content from whatever Thrones scraps HBO tosses us, I decided to rank each of these characters by how god-awful their posture is, in descending order from "Seven Hells, what are you doing to your body" to "pretty normal."In fairness to Jon and the gang, the Iron Throne is intentionally very uncomfortable, even more so iN tHe bOoKs. It’s a metaphor for power or something. Whatever. Has the small council ever considered swapping the pointy sword seat with a standing desk?Minor spoilers ahead.
20. Jon Snow
This stance. What? Maybe it’s a callback to the season one promo art, but Jon looks less like a king and more like some half-drunk dude peeking at you thirstily from across the room in a crowded club. I guess that shouldn't be too surprising, considering the King in the North also Juuls. This is canon, people.
19. Davos Seaworth
We can perhaps forgive the Onion Knight for not sitting properly, as he was once just a smuggler born in humble Flea Bottom that Stannis blah blah blah etc. etc. We’ve all heard this spiel too many times, moving on.
18. Euron Greyjoy
Euron’s got a craned neck thing going on here like Davos, but at least he’s clutching the armrests, I guess? Gotta give him credit—despite having a name that’s uncomfortably close to “urine,” dude is a badass. I want a Euron spinoff.
17. Grey Worm
Grey Worm, another certified badass, is also leaning forward uncomfortably. He is, however, holding a knife, so that bumps him up a bit from the other leaners.
The Red Woman is doing some kind of slight shift to the side here, which doesn’t look particularly pleasant. Who sits like this? Baby killers, that’s who. Next!
15. Brienne of Tarth
Brienne is wearing a bunch of armor while sitting down. Metal on metal—that has to suck, right?
14. The Hound
Major points deducted for the manspreading. Major. Points.
13. Arya Stark
This one is interesting: Needle almost functions more as as one of those fancy sword canes (à la Crispin Glover in Charlie’s Angels) than a straight-up sword, but I dunno. Still looks awk.
12. Jorah Mormont
I honestly forgot this guy was still on the show.
11. The Night King
The quote in the Tweet was actually said by Old Nan in season one, not the Night King. Does that mean Old Nan is actually the Night King? In this essay, I will… (1/467).
10. Theon Greyjoy
In the words of Twitter user @citizencain602, “Lmfaoooooo Reeeek???”
9. Bran Stark
Ever since he busted his ass in season one, Bran has spent a lot of time sitting. Despite this, the angle at which he's situated on the throne looks pretty funky. Come to think of it, these all look sort of photoshopped, right?
Honestly writing this list is taking way longer than I thought so I’m just gonna put Varys at eight and move on.
7. Samwell Tarly
Pretty good work from timid Sammy boy— hips back, feet firmly planted, but he’s still just the tiniest bit hunched over. That's gonna cost him.
6. Tyrion Lannister
For a man of admittedly short stature, the Imp looks pretty imposing on the seat of power. Also, check out the way he’s clutching that knobby armrest thing. If that doesn’t scream comfort, I don’t know what does.
5. Jaime Lannister
Do you think there’ll be a scene in season eight where Jaime rips off his gold hand and throws it at someone? I sure hope so. Anyways, shoulders back, arms crooked 90 degrees at the elbows, neck straight: nice form.
Phenomenal work here, sitting with both feet on the ground and her knees at or above hip level. Was that so hard, people?!
3. Cersei Lannister
OK, seriously, these heads are just, like, photoshopped onto the bodies, right? What’s going on with the sides of her face?
2. Sansa Stark
Can I stop this yet?
1. Daenerys Targaryen
Strong. Strong. Very, very strong. Ten out of ten. Please just drop the new season already.Sign up for our newsletter to get the best of VICE delivered to your inbox daily.Follow Peter Slattery on Twitter .