The Future VICE Future Guide to Future Parenting

The year is 2099. The Human-Cyborg Wars have come and gone, leaving vast stretches of land on the North-South American ExxonJPMorganAmtrakJarritos Mega-continent ravaged and uninhabitable. Overpopulation has reached its peak and every breath is thick with smoky, polluted air. Mega-Corporations have replaced governments and survival is pay-to-play. The rich live in ivory towers, while the poor suffer and starve. Some adapt. Technological enhancement and body modification surgeries are all the rage in the burgeoning criminal class. USB fingernails; telescoping web-cam retinas; skateboard legs—anything to get ahead. But a tough world like this one demands some tough parenting!

Here are some tips for raising your kids free from the influence of digi-pirates, laser-gangs, and Tek-drugs:

- Yes, changing diapers is gross. But you’re just going to have to deal with it because they have NOT found a cure for pooping yet.

- Every child deserves the love of a pet. Every time they ask you why they can’t have one, say, “It’s a damn shame those cyborgs killed all the puppies and kitties.” That’ll make them itch to kick some cyborg butt, and you don’t even have to tell the truth about who really killed all the puppies and kitties ;-)

- The day will eventually come when you have to talk to your child about the birds and the bees. Save yourself some time by showing them this scene from the 1993 film Demolition Man.

- Reassure anxious children that they are safe at home, and that there aren’t any monsters hiding under the bed or in the closet. However, make sure they take precaution against thought-cancer, which is airborne and definitely not a metaphor for freedom, even though it really sounds like one.

- Teach them that old axiom “Don’t hate the Hunger Player, hate the Hunger Game.” That will help out when someone shoots them in the chest with an arrow.

- M.a.k.e. s.u.r.e. y.o.u.r. c.h.i.l.d.r.e.n. a.r.e. s.k.i.l.l.e.d. r.e.a.d.e.r.s.. T.h.a.t. w.a.y. t.h.e.y.’l.l. b.e. a.b.l.e. t.o. d.e.c.i.p.h.e.r. t.e.x.t.i.n.g. a.c.r.o.n.y.m.s., w.h.i.c.h. h.a.v.e. r.e.p.l.a.c.e.d. a.l.l. f.o.r.m.s. o.f. l.a.n.g.u.a.g.e..

- Exercise is important! Put your kids on a little league team so they can play fun new sports, like Time-Scrabble, or Hunt-for-Food, or Diablo 4.

- You know that part in Total Recall when that big lady with orange hair is walking through the checkpoint on Mars and the guard asks her if she has any fruits or vegetables, and she’s like “two weeks,” and then she starts shaking and making noises, then everyone’s looking and her hair falls off, and then her face starts coming apart and underneath it is ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, and he takes off the face, which is a mask, and yells “catch!” really loud and throws it, then starts running, and the mask is actually a bomb and it explodes? That was sick! Anyway, don’t vaccinate your children because that’s where autism comes from.

- You know those rings that floated over everyone’s clothes in The Jetsons? Yeah, those were gang colors.

@benjaminkorman