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Vice Blog

LONDON - THE FIRST PUSSY I LICKED

If you ask me, 2008 was a great year for dykes. Ellen DeGeneres got married. Wanda Sykes came out of the closet. Same sex marriage was made legal in California for about five minutes before they went all Indian-giver and took it away again. Heck, even uber cum-dumpster Lindsay Lohan went gay. But most importantly, it was the year that I licked my very first vagina. Now, if we’re getting down to brass tacks, I guess technically I have had "sex" with women in the past. But up until this past weekend there was always a guy involved, so I don’t think those times really counted.

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My first credible L-Word experience, however, happened on Saturday. I was at a house party in Brooklyn surrounded by loads of lesbians (including that girl from Telepathe who has a bowl cut and her girlfriend who also has a bowl cut), and I don’t know if it was the overpowering scent of estrogen in the air, or the fact that I had watched The Craft earlier that afternoon, but it became very apparent that I needed to get myself some serious vagina.

But the thing of it is, now that I’ve actually done IT, I’m no longer sure if lesbianity is for me. How can I explain it? Like, you know when you’re in a Japanese restaurant and you see squid-inc pasta on the menu, and you think maybe it would be a good idea to order it because you’re all like "Hey, why not be adventurous and try something new for once?" But then they bring it out and it looks like a giant pile of black puke and you realize you should have just stuck with the bento box? Well it was kind of like that. Basically, once the actual girl-on-girl action started, I felt more "OMG WTF?" than I did "Wow, I feel very sexually enlightened right now."

That’s not to say I didn’t like it. It was just weird. Like really weird. First of all, you’d think that because I have a vagina of my own, I should know what to do with one when it’s laid out in front of me, right? Not true. Just the sight of her vagina in all of its unshaven glory immediately intimidated me. I got all embarrassed and flustered and in a moment of panic I just shut my eyes, stuck out my tongue and started furiously licking her clit. That lasted for about twenty seconds before I reassessed the situation in my head and realized maybe I should take things a little slower. I am a beginner, after all.

So I sat up, took a deep breath and gently inserted two fingers into the hole. I then started moving my fingers in an upward, curling motion, sort of like if you were trying to imitate what an ocean wave looks like with your hand. As soon as I started doing this she immediately began to moan. Loudly. And I mean really loudly. So I figured either I was doing something right or I was so horribly off-track that she was just pity moaning. But after doing it for a couple minutes she was going completely mental, slithering around on the bed and screaming shit like "Ohmygod ooohmygoood you know how to make my pussy feel so good." (Seriously.) So then I got all cocky and started doing it faster and harder, and before I knew it she was orgazing. Well, she might have been faking it, but I don’t think so because in about ten minutes she was begging me to do it again.

What I’m saying is, if it’s so fucking easy that even a poser-lesbo first-timer who is wired on a combination of Adderall and Sparks can get it done, then why the hell is almost every guy on the planet so fucking shit at it? (And I mean fingering, not fucking. So you can stop making that face.) I could have done that shit with my eyes closed. But who knows, maybe I just have that magical womanly touch - sort of like female intuition but for knowing how to stimulate vaginas. The only thing that’s slightly worrying me is why two days later I still can’t seem to get the taste of yeast out of my mouth.

KARLEY SCIORTINO