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MEET THE NIERATKOS - FATHERHOOD Q1

Trust me, I know you don't want to hear about my baby. I have already been warned not to turn into one of those parents that can't have a conversation about anything other than my kid and listen, I don't want to become that guy. So I say let me get this out of my system today and be done with it. I may bring mention of the kid from time to time if it's anecdote worthy-but I won't be the guy that's All-Baby-All-The-Time. Vice Blog 42-Fatherhood Q1 Trust me, I know you don't want to hear about my baby. I have already been warned not to turn into one of those parents that can't have a conversation about anything other than my kid and listen, I don't want to become that guy. So I say let me get this out of my system today and be done with it. I may bring mention of the kid from time to time if it's anecdote worthy-but I won't be the guy that's All-Baby-All-The-Time.

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So I present you with some cute photos of my kid because I think you should take note of his cuteness. Unlike other sad, pathetic parents who have to lie about the degree of cuteness of their child because they know they gave birth to a mutant, mine is the real deal. Super duper cuter. He should be on VBS's Cute Show. No, he should be the host. Or rather the producer since he really has a finger on the pulse of cuteness. And here are just a few things I've learned in my first quarter as a father (9/11! NEVER FORGET!) that I've collected for my certain to be a best-selling parenting guide that will make perople forget about that Vulcan Dr. Spock:

—Like your drinking buddies, warm water on their hand (or anywhere) will make them pee themselves. For us this tends to happen when my wife is spraying down his wiener after a bath. Generally they wait til the wiener is close to my face and pointed at my mouth.

—There is a double standard of cuteness… Baby pees on scale at doctors, very cute. You pee on scale at your doctor's visit, not cute. —No means yes. You need to rape their mouths with a pacifier. They might act like they don't want it and try to spit it out, but they want it. Trust me, they want it.

— I'm not sure how to get your kid to stop wearing diapers, we're not at that point yet. But I'll tell you what not to do: Don't tell the kid he can't drive monster trucks in diapers. My friend Steve told his 3-year-old that they don't let people who wear diapers drive monster trucks and his response was, "Oh yeah? Well fuck you!" —If things don't work out with the mother or father you need to be prepared for the single scene. To stay sharp I suggest

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every time you go to pick up the crying baby from his crib in the middle of the night. My kid seems to get a kick out of these: -Hey, baby. Come here often? -Baby you want to grab a pizza and…you know? -Is that poop in your diaper or are you just happy to see me?

—Try rapping. Like Spinach, I mean Spanish, in the future everyone will rap. So I've been teaching my guy early. I want him to be a Hype-Man (since they get the most money for the least amount of work) so I've been showing him how to get the crowd motivated with these dirty diaper time catchphrases: -Who got that peeps up in their peeps?? Who who? -Is poop up in the house? Where my poop at? -What up, white bitches?!? —Kermit the Frog is a prick. I know he seems nice but in my four months of listening to kids songs I have found evidence to prove otherwise. Now I finally understand why he's dating that pig--with his piss poor demeanor, she is the best he can get. In one song Grover was trying to hang out with him and Kermit made him walk up and down a flight up steps countless times to bring him stuff he demanded. Then it started raining and Kermit took off and didn't help Grover bring any of the shit back inside. Kermit is prick. Make a t-shirt of that. —Don't let your wife take any photos of you kissing your naked baby's fat, squishy thighs. Any way you try to explain it to people, it always looks inappropriate.

(For more stupid go to

Chrisnieratko.com

)