Here's a letter that was delivered to The Old Blue Last…Dear Sir/ Madam,I am writing to you to request that you bar my ex-boyfriend, Mr X, from your establishment…Now, I have been drinking in your pub since I moved to the area in 2001 and I am regular customer who enjoys propping up the bar of a night, partaking in a few pints and a bag of nuts. When I started seeing Mr X in the the summer of last year he obviously would join me, usually on a Monday, Wednesday and Friday night (sometimes a Sunday and Thursday too), but we were always under the understanding that this was my local and therefore Mr X would regain custody if we were ever to split, as X at the time did not live in the area and had never visited you before his romance with me. However, as these things often do, the affair ended very badly.Mr X started sneaking around on Tuesday nights with a girl called Miss Y (which I think sounds more like a gobby slur name than a name) and subsequently refused to vacate your pub.As you will understand the break up of any relationship can be difficult, but losing not only your boyfriend, but also the comfort of your local to a red lipped German girl-child is intolerable. Watching them look lovingly into each other's eyes would not only be vomit inducing to your customers, but would arouse uncharacteristic, involuntary swinging of my arms and head spinning worthy of a scene from The Exorcist. As much as I can appreciate that this would be amusing to the locals and relieve them from their routine middle distance staring and occasional mumblings into the void, I would rather not live my life as if a guest on Jeremy Kyle or a member of the Mitchell family in the Queen Vic.Now I don't have a picture of X to put up behind the bar to alert your staff, but I can offer you a full description. He is 29, average height, brown sneaky eyes, a crooked nose (much like the child catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang), blond, overly messy hair that takes a long time in the morning to look that casual, the obvious skinny jeans and a lying, cheating, charming demeanor.I really hope that we can work together on this issue and would be pleased with any input you can give me.I look forward to hearing from you.Many thanks,
Miss X
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Miss X