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Vice Blog

DEAR VICE - DID I MENTION I AM AN ARROGANT PIECE OF SHIT?

Dear Vice,
I'm an awesome writer. Vice need me… I'm getting tired of seeing the same old bull shit writers preaching their elite of the anti-elite shit in Vice. Check some of my stuff out at my MySpace page. My blogs are filled with stuff but I have ample amounts of stuff to send if you want. Get back to me.
Pingu

So after reading that, we were like: OK, this guy sounds like a bit of a fag, but maybe his writing will be good. We go over to his MySpace page to investigate and we're greeted with this: "My name is Pingu and I sometimes wish I lived inside video games, ideally the Final Fantasy series. Since September 11th of 1984 I've been analysing everything around me in great detail and, as a result, have evolved into the character you see before you today. I have a confidence that borders arrogance yet can also be an overly harsh critic of myself, so with this juxtaposition a nice balance is obtained."

At this point we're thinking the guy is a total retard, but we even ignore the carbuncle of a Bjork video over on the music section of his page, and decide to give the little guy a chance by having a look at some of his writing. What do we find? 3000 word ramblings on the latest series of Big Brother and pictures of him and fellow douche bags playing paintball.

Check out this profound gem on Donny Tourette: "The lead singer of the punk band "Towers of London"! "Who?" I hear you cry? I had no idea who they were either, so went and checked out a few of their tracks… After I cleared the vomit from around my mouth and brushed my teeth I came to the conclusion that this guy was an asshole. In order to pull off being cocky and arrogant without being labelled a twat, you need something to justify your attitude. Example: The Beatles. Love them or hate them, there's no denying that they had the talent and looks to be able to turn round and say "we're fantastic". Donny however fails to impress."

So there you have it. As someone wise once may have said: Always judge a banana by its skin. If the skin is a slimy piece of emo shit, then stamp on it and toss it in the bin.

You may think we are being harsh, but no doubt this attention will give the kid months of material to talk about on his awful blog, so if anything, we're doing him a favour. We're sure he'll be able to sleep happy tonight after he's finished masturbating into one of his black and white stripey socks he picked up in the girls' section of Topshop.