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TIDBITS - COP CLIPPINGS

May 20, 2008, 7:02pm

Usually the reading material people leave behind on bus seats is the sort of crap no one but crazies wants to read: grocery receipts, those shitty Metro newspapers they hand out at bus stops, Chick tracts. OK, Chick tracts can be an all right time provided you haven't seen the same one eight million times prior, but the general rule of thumb is if it's on the bus it probably sucks. Actually this rule sort of applies to people as well as things BUT ANYWAY we found this crumpled printout on the bus last night and automatically assumed it was going to be some boring shit no one cares about, but it turns out we were completely wrong.

It's a transcript from a police dispatcher. Or rather it's a bunch of transcripts, all typed out one after the next on one of those printers that go GNEENEEEGNEEENEEEGNEEEENEEE-sssszkzzk-GNEENEEEGNEEENEEEGNEEEENEEE-sssszkzzk. Sidestepping the obvious issue of why a police dispatcher would bring home her calls from the day to read on the bus, this thing is awesome. It's like a police blotter, but in CODE! So even when the incidents themselves are boring (which the better part of them are), trying to figure them out with your drunk buddies is like the best aspects of  Junior Jumble, Pictionary, Mad Libs, and pretending to be a spy when you're a kid all rolled up in one package.

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The first page of stuff was pretty ho-hum. Lots of DIFF BREATHINGs and 2CARSs (we assume this means an accident), but on the second page things started getting pretty juicy. This one was the longest and most obvious. Some dickhead was trying to rape someone near the Empire State Building:

RES ASSN TO4380 1035 14ST1
RES ASSN TO4380 1036 14G
ADD 14A        T15  1033 DO4   1034 TO4380
10-34Q2
           MB           PR2      CCD
E 33 ST - MADISON AVE
*1033 ----- ATTEMPT ------ TO ASSAULT A FEM ----- MB WRNG RED WHITE N BLU SWEATER ---- CB [somebody's phone number] ----- *1033 ---- MC IS SECURITY ---- IS FOLLOWING HIM ---- PERP IS N THE STORE ----- AT ----- 33 ST-34 ST ---- ON MADISON ---- *1034 ---- MC NEEDS ---- PO NOW ----- STS MALE WAS TRYING TO SEXUALLY ASSAULT A FEM IN THE ELEVATOR --- PLZ HURRY ----- *1036 ---- PERP WRNG LONG SLEEVE BEIGE ----- UNDER A RED N WHITE POLO SWEATER ----- BLU JEANS ----- BLK BACKPACK ----- SAY ON THE BACK NYC ----- MC NEEDS PO TO RESP ----- HES FOLLOWING HIM

Then came this intriguing little number:

RES ASSN TO3980 1034 28ST1
INC 14B       T39    1034 D04    T04393
10-50P2
         DIS ML             PR 7
E 43 ST - LEXINGTON AVE
*1034 ------ IFO OF ST AGNES CHURCH ---- PERP IS MB ---- WRNG UNK HAS 1 LEG ----- ANON MC REF NFI ---- ANI-ALI-[another phone number] CELL SITE - AT&T MOBILITY 723 3 AVE W SECTOR COS : WPH2 LAT: 040.751402 LON : -073.975797 OPER 1732-CP39

At first glance we thought "PERP IS MB" meant some guy was masturbating outside St. Agnes, but then we realized that it probably just meant "Male Black." Oh well. Still not sure what the crime is or why they needed to list the lattitude and longitude.

But most tantalizing of all was the line at the very bottom of the last page that simply read

"INC 5D    SUICIDAL   PR3"

Whoa-spooky, right? If anybody reading this speaks cop, please leave us a translation in the comments below to sate our overwhelming curiosity. Or wait, maybe you shouldn't. Maybe it should remain… a mystery.