Men are gross. They pee in alleys, scratch their crotch constantly, and cover every available surface in your life with tiny bits of beard hair, toenail clippings, wet towels, and tobacco. Basically, they behave with a lack of self-awareness that can only come from shitting over everyone else for millennia.
But that's just how men behave around women. We wondered if they can get any more disgusting when left to their own devices, so VICE's international editors visited our bachelor friends to document the living conditions of single males around the world.
IKE, 25, ESSEX
VICE: How often do you clean your apartment?
Ike: Once a week, if you're lucky. Probably more like once every couple of weeks.
How often do you change your sheets?
Once a week. That's one thing I do keep on top of.
What's your justification for this mess?
I don't give a shit, to be honest. It's my space. If I don't want to tidy, I won't.
What do you think of clean and tidy people?
It's their choice. They're entitled to have their place the way they like it.
What's the longest you've left the washing up?
I've literally created extraterrestrial life in my kitchen when I haven't done the dishes in so long. They start talking to me.
What do girls seem to think about your apartment?
I don't really care; it's not their flat.
More photos of Ike's apartment:
ANONYMOUS, 30, ROME
How long have you lived in this place, and how often do you clean it?
I've lived here since the 1980s—it's my family's place. And I clean it every other day.
Where do all these objects come from?
From trips I've made. I've traveled everywhere. That vase, for instance—I got it in Istanbul. The vase in the bedroom is from Anchorage, Alaska. The furniture is also from adventures I've had around the world. I like vintage. The vintage of various cultures, in particular 1950s and 1960s styles.
What about the mosaic in the bathroom?
White and blue are the colors of Lazio F.C. obviously!
What does your girlfriend think of your space?
She thinks it's really messy.
Is that your dog?
Yeah, Lafo is a very demanding dog like a Christian. He's 11 and like a son to me. His full name is "General Lafayette."
More photos of that guy's apartment:
TWAN, 24, AMSTERDAM
VICE: Why do you sleep on the floor instead of in your bunk bed?
Twan: Bunk beds are the worst—to sleep in and to do other stuff in. I use my bunk bed mainly to hang my hammock on. I did clean up a little bit before you came—all the tissues that were lying around. No way those were going to make it in the picture.
What was your childhood bedroom like?
Basically the same as it is now, but instead of ashtrays everywhere, I had empty bottles of Fanta or Cola lying around. I used to drink two a day.
Do you have any pets?
Slugs, mostly. When I leave the window open, at some point, I'll hear some rustling, and I'll find a slug next to my bed with a slime trail behind him.
THORBEN, 27, DORTMUND
VICE: Is this the first house you've lived in on your own?
Thorben: Nope, it's the fifth.
Are there are any items that you take with you from house to house?
It's all mine, except the kitchen and the bowl I shit in.
Speaking of the kitchen, I noticed you don't have a fridge?
Yeah, my windows aren't great at keeping the cold out, but at least that meant I could use the area around the kitchen window as a fridge in the winter.
Do your parents ever visit?
Not really. My current girlfriend has no desire to visit, either. A few months ago, the place almost cost me a one-night stand too: We got here around three in the morning, and a short while later, we had to leave and go to hers. We were making out, and just before it got heavy, she said, "I can't—I keep thinking about your apartment."
More photos of Thorben's apartment:
GERARDO, 26, MEXICO CITY
VICE: I noticed that you don't have a dining room or a dining table. Where do you eat?
Gerardo: On the street; I'm never at home, so I always get takeaway. In my fridge, there is only water, juice, and yogurt.
Who would be the perfect roommate?
Why are there so many bikes in here?
I live here for free because the building belongs to my family. My aunt lives below me, while my grandmother sews in the cellar.
No idea what that has to do with anything, but cool. Do you like living alone?
I do. I can do whatever I want, and nobody sees me doing it.
MACANACHE, 26, BUCHAREST
VICE: How often do you stay in this apartment?
Macanache: It depends—two or three times per week. I live with my dad the rest of the week, but now that he's alone, I've been staying here more often.
How often do you clean your apartment?
I am obsessed—I am always cleaning, and it's still a mess. My father doesn't give a shit, and he spends all day doing nothing. He will often drop a bottle of beer somewhere and make a mess. He is not used to taking his shoes off when he comes in the house, so I have to constantly scrub the floor.
How do guests react to this mess?
Honestly, I don't really care.
More photos of Macanache's apartment:
KOSTIS, 27, ATHENS
**VICE: What's it like *to live alone in Athens?***
*Kostis:* Pretty sexy. I dance naked while washing the dishes a lot.
What is never missing from your apartment?
Ice cubes and coffee.
How often do you clean your apartment?
I tidy up every couple of days. I do a deep clean every two weeks.
Your place, hers, or someplace else?
My place, her place, on terraces, in bars, in motels, in cars, on sidewalks… Where there's a will, there's a way.
More photos of Kostis' apartment:
SHLOMO, 23, ZURICH
VICE: What's the longest period you've gone without cleaning your apartment?
Shlomo: A month or so. My roommate was on holiday, and I didn't feel like doing the work on my own.
What's the worst thing you've had to do for this place?
I once had to dispose of the compost bin, which had not been emptied for a month. I threw up.
Do your parents visit?
Yes, they often come over—and sometimes they come unannounced. It's pretty annoying.
Who would you never open the door to?
My neighbors. Everyone else is welcome.
CARL, 27, STOCKHOLM
VICE: Why did you decide to get cats?
Carl: Well, I like cats, and I've had them since I was a boy. Cookie [one of the cats] needed a home, so I took care of him. After a while, when I moved to a smaller flat without balcony, it became obvious that he needed a brother, so I decided to get another one.
How do visitors react to cat fur?
It depends, really. Some are more used to it than others. Also, it obviously depends on how much of the fur I've vacuumed at the given time.
Who's the lady on your fridge?
It's my wife. Nah, it's an abandoned portrait my father found at a construction site and left on my fridge as a practical joke, when I was on vacation. I don't see a reason to take it down.
More photos of Carl's apartment:
PETAR, 31, BELGRADE
VICE: How much time do you spend in your apartment?
Petar: It depends. I'm often only here to take a shower, change clothes, and sleep. At the end of the month, when money runs out, I spend a lot of time at my folks'.
What's your most hated chore?
Washing the dishes. You don't have the option of multitasking, and it takes too long.
Do you ever let your parents visit?
Yes, they even have keys to the apartment, but they rarely come.
More photos of Petar's apartment:
ALVARO, 33, MADRID
VICE: How many people live in your apartment?
Alvaro: There is five of us at the moment. The house is very large—it spreads across three floors, and it also has a garden.
How do you deal with cleaning such a big space?
We have a lady who comes to clean every now and then. A few months ago, we tried to share the chores, but that created really bad vibes between us. It was a total disaster, even though we are lifelong friends—we kept arguing over whose turn it was to do the washing.
More photos of Alvaro's apartment: