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TOP TEN "DEAR VICE" OF 2007

From homeless heroin addicts to frightened army recruits to kids running away and having sex with each other's B/Fs, we've received letters from all sorts this year. Some correspondence was clearly laboured over for hours by people teetering on the brink of full-blown mental illness. And then there was that unforgettable one with the old couple fucking in a hotel lobby. Anyway, here are our favourite letters from the past year.

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#10 - SYPHILIS JOHN

Dear Vice,
This guy calls himself Kuppa-Jussi, which translates as Syphilis John. We met him in Kemi, a small town in northern Finland. We were driving along when we past a house where this dude was writing slogans on his wall wearing only pair of undies. We stopped to find out more. The guy was super-psyched about me having a camera. He said that he wanted the public to know "the truth."
Kuppa-Jussi was an ex-bodybuilder. He lived with two ladies, 'The Sexy' and 'The Maid'. He was very proud about all the old military equipment he had stashed around his house from Nazi Germany and Stalinist Russia.

9 -  HIRE PINGU

Dear

Vice

,

I'm an awesome writer. Vice need me… I'm getting tired of seeing the same old bullshit writers preaching their elite of the anti-elite shit in Vice. Check some of my stuff out at my MySpace page. My blogs are filled with stuff but I have ample amounts of stuff to send if you want. Get back to me.

Pingu

#8 -
BABY METALLICA

Dear Vice,
I've always been a Metallica fan. I've seen them live, I saw that documentary and I really like the music. My wife thought that Metallica would be a cute name for our baby girl. We wanted her name to have as many letters from our own names in it as possible, and Metallica was as close as we got. At first we said to each other, "You can't call a kid Metallica!" but we checked it out with the tax authorities and they said the name was OK. So we went for it and sent in the papers…

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#7 -  MY BROTHER JOINED THE ARMY
Dear Vice,
My brother has now started his service for the Army and is stationed in the Midwest as a chemical specialist, but these letters below were written while he was still in basic training. Back then, I had the idea that publishing his letters in Vice would be a way for us to make something good out of the tragedy that was his joining the Army. He and I had a ton of fights about this. He called me a lot and yelled at me for "stealing his fire," and he demanded money in exchange for his letters.

#6 -
HIPPIE ROMANCE

Since My Little Dead Dick, we've had it with whirlwind romance couples contriving to show off about how wildly in love they are. The whole meeting someone, falling head-over-heels, and having an off-the-cuff, quirky wedding thing has been chick-flicked to death. It's boring. The following reader's letter about her recent marriage stank of the same bullshit. But when we saw a picture of the girl we suddenly got all misty-eyed and gooey. For a second. Then we were OK again.

#5 - PREPARING THE BROWN PANTS

OK, I know we always joke around like, "Oh man, whoever wrote this letter is really creepy," or "This is the scariest letter we've ever got," when what we really mean is the person who wrote this is an idiot but also a little weird. Well, we feel bad for crying wolf all those times, because now we have received a letter that meets all our criteria for a genuine Yikes…

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#4 - DOGS FIND SHIT

We got a letter a while back from this homeless guy but when we tried to track the guy down to get a picture, we found out he was in hospital with a punctured lung. He's now out and we have a photo to accompany his rather interesting letter…

#3 - NOW BILL IS IN KOKOMO

Dear Vice,
My friends as of now are doing drugs, running away, going to rehab, and having sex with each other's B/Fs. One of my friends is named Cara, and she ran away the other day and police were everywhere, at my house, at the neighbors', up the streets—just everywhere. She has been in lots of trouble with the police, as have the rest of them—me being the smart one who has done no drugs and didn't lose my virginity at 12.

#2 - VICE MAIL ROUND-UP

We get a lot of fun stuff in the mail. That said, we get A LOT of boring garbage in the mail from galleries and student loan collectors and labels and places, but the tiny fraction of the daily mound that was obviously labored over for multiple hours by someone teetering on the cusp of full-blown mental illness makes it all worthwhile…

#1 - FLORIDA HUMPERS

Dear Vice,
Just got back from an interesting trip to Florida. It was for our first US WeSC Skate tour… good times… Anyways, we came back from skating and met a couple from holland at our hotel bar in South Beach. They were nice and loved firing down Mojitos. After about an hour of chatting, the lovely couple glanced over and noticed another couple in their later 50s or so heavily fondling each other. We chuckled and went on with our push contest and stories and whatnot then I was told to look back at the "fondlers" -- who were 12 feet away from us in the LOBBY of the HOTEL -- and they were humping…