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Old woman loves cats, lives crazy cliché

Imagine if, when you finally crack (and you will), instead of embarking on a drug-fuelled, international killing spree

Imagine if, when you finally crack (and you will), instead of embarking on a drug-fuelled, international killing spree dressed as Cher in her 1992 exercise classic Cher Fitness: Body Confidence, or something else original,  you instead chose to wade through three feet of acrid shit until you are drowning in your own cliché.

So it is for Joyce Nash, the 79 year old Queen of the Spinsters who has been hauled up in front of Birmingham Crown Court for breaking her cat ban. Yes, a cat ban. She might as well have been arrested for turning people into toads, cackling and riding her broomstick side saddle.

Joyce Nash hoards cats. She loves it. Five years ago the RSPCA found her living with over 75 cats in her house, and so banned her from ever owning more that two. That sounds a bit to me like telling a wife-beating alcoholic that he can only have three cans of Stella and one girlfriend - removing the symptoms doesn’t cure the illness. But it appears old Joyce went right ahead and filled her house with 39 of the eating, yowling, shitting machines anyway. Thirty-nine cats? What was she going for, the Sheba Lonely Old Lunatic of the Year Prize?

So just what drives someone to become the world’s most predictable lunatic? Well i guess that when you feel the last pulses of sanity gently lifting from your shoulders, nobody wants to be stuck worrying about how you’re going to freak the shit out of your neighbours? The trail has been blazed, so why not just go along for the ride?

It's a cliché, but yes, lonely pussy jokes aside, single women are probably drawn to cats because they are really only with you for the food, they stay out all night and they are obsessed with licking their tiny cat genitals. Like their kids (boom boom). But unlike their kids, cats will eat you face after you choke to death on a bourbon while watching Deal or No Deal. No joke.