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The Hangover News

Italy tried to eat Europe out of economic crisis this weekend, but you were too hungover to notice.

Europe
IT'S THE BIG, HUNGOVER MONEY CRISIS ROUND-UP!
Everyone's still poor

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Political, economical and social sacrifices were being made all across the Eurozone this weekend, as the continent continued to thrash around in financial quicksand. In Greece, Prime Minister George Papandreou has promised to resign halfway through his term in office to allow for the formation of a new unity government. They're still talking about who's going to be in that government, and what new austerity policies it should adopt, but the Greeks need to get it sorted by December 19th, when they'll be going back for another wad of bail out cash. In Italy and Spain, the stock markets are shedding percentage points. I have no idea what those drops mean in real terms, but interest rates on ten-year bonds just hit 6.66%, and even a simpleton like myself can see that that's ominous. Italian leader Silvio Berlusconi is sitting in a big chair scoffing aloud at the idea that his country might be in trouble, pointing to the fact that Italy's restaurants are still full as evidence of financial stability. I'd guess that his faith in the appetite of Italians to turn around the Eurozone crisis isn't shared by the French, who'll wake up in several hours time to the news that they'll have to work for longer, sooner. The retirement age will be increased to 62 in either 2016 or 2017, a year or two earlier than Nicolas Sarkozy had planned. Luckily, the brightest sparks in all of Europe have hit upon a new survival strategy – look East, and pray that the capitalist communists in China will give us some of their cash. Some more stuff happened this weekend. Was it all as depressing as this? See for yourself on page two.

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The Americas
IT WAS A MIXED WEEKEND FOR EX-MILITANTS BORN IN OR AROUND THE AMERICAN EQUATOR
Look at these happy Nicaraguans

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There were a couple of elections in Central America this weekend. A right-wing guy who used to be a general is now the President of Guatemala, and a former Marxist guerilla leader will probably stay on as the big man in Nicaragua. Otto Perez Molina, from the Patriot Party, won 55% of the vote in Guatemala after promising to make the country a richer and less violent place. Meanwhile, Daniel Ortega's likely to take his presidency of Nicaragua into a third term after taking a big early lead at polling stations. Ortega is popular in Central America's poorest country because his Sandinista party spend a lot of money on the poor. The weekend was less favourable to Venezuela's most famous export, Carlos the Jackal. Carlos is currently banged up in a Parisian jail after killing loads of people in the name of Marx back in the 70s and 80s. He's just found out that he's to stand trial for an alleged involvement in four bombings that took the lives of eleven people and injured dozens more in France about 30 years ago. If the Jackal – real name Ilich Ramirez Sanchez – loses this case, he'll probably die in prison. UK
WORLD'S MOST FAMOUS TORCH COMING TO BRITAIN
It will probably go near you

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Seb Coe is telling me to have a street party. The sports media are feigning an interest in athletics. The last European nation to host it is dragging the world economy into the fires of hell. Yes, everyone – the Olympics are coming. And wherever the Olympics go, the Olympic torch goes, too. The route it'll take around the United Kingdom has just been announced, and essentially it's a 70-day bonanza of divorcee father Sunday outings stapled together. According to the Guardian, the torch will "fly over the Eden Project in a balloon, up Snowdon on a train, in a sidecar at the Isle of Man TT, across Windermere on a paddle steamer, off the Tyne bridge on a zipwire, down rapids in the Lee Valley and up a chairlift on the Isle of Wight" before floating down the Thames to the Olympic stadium. Seb Coe wants us to go out into the street and applaud it. Will you applaud it? Roads
THERE WAS A BAD CAR CRASH ON THE M5
Fireworks probably did it

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Seven people died and 51 were injured this weekend in one of the biggest car crashes in British history. Police are investigating what caused the crash, which happened on the M5. At this stage they think that drivers might been blinded by what has universally been described as a "bank of smoke". They think it may have drifted across the road from a fireworks display at a nearby rugby club. There were huge fireballs. By all accounts, it was pretty gruesome. Among the dead are a father and daughter from Berkshire who were on their way home from a funeral :(