The Top Five Most Racist Moments of 2013

Photo by Nate Miller

It has been a banner year in many respects. We saw some amazing films released (I'm looking at you, The Incredible Burt Wonderstone), and one of the great TV dramas of all time end (RIPThe Client List). Most importantly, someone finally asked the question we've all been thinking about: "What rhymes with hug me?"

It's been a fucking crazy year, especially if you're a racist. Racism was super hot in 2013. If I were compiling a list of the trendiest trends for the last year, I think racism would be just barely underneath One Direction, but a couple spots above cronuts.

People were doing shit that was super racially questionable on the regular. Famous people were doing it. Non-famous people were doing it. Government officials were doing it. But let's never forget the OG racists who got the ball rolling. Thanks for blazing a trail, y'all.

Here are the top five most awkward moments in racial politics from 2013:

5) Everyone Thought Lorde was Racist for a Second

FROM OCTOBER 4: I'm guessing by now that you've all heard of Lorde. She's a 16-year-old pop sensation from New Zealand whose song "Royals" has taken American airwaves by storm. She's precocious, the song is ridiculously catchy, and the New York Times raved about her live show. Naturally someone had to come along and take a big, steamy poop on her immaculately coiffed hair. Veronica Bayette Flores of a blog called Feministing seems to think that "Royals" is racist. Her reading of the song's meaning couldn't be more simplistic:

"While I love a good critique of wealth accumulation and inequity, this song is not one; in fact, it is deeply racist. Because we all know who she’s thinking when we’re talking gold teeth, Cristal, and Maybachs. So why shit on black folks? Why shit on rappers? Why aren’t we critiquing wealth by taking hits at golf or polo or Central Park East?"

Could it be that there aren't any songs on the radio about golf or polo that 16-year-old girls listen to? Why would anyone assign their own cultural baggage to someone who isn't even old enough to buy cigarettes in America? Also, are "Jet planes, islands, [and] tigers on a gold leash" or "Blood stains, ball gowns, [and] trashin’ the hotel room" black things?

Flores goes on to say that "several, no, many people listened to this track, and saw no problem with it at all." Hmm. Interesting. I wonder why? "I don’t have to explain why wealth operates differently among folks who’ve grown up struggling." Actually, maybe you do. Hip-hop used to be about the celebration of the struggle for black people to escape the ghetto. It was about "making it." Now, it's about what you do after you make it. That's all fine and great, but does a teenager from New Zealand relate to that? Of course not. Maybe she'll understand Veronica Bayette Flores's dime-store cultural criticism better after she's… gone to college. Why should anyone be surprised that the proliferation of pop songs about conspicuous consumption would eventually get tiresome? I don't care what your race is, the number of people in America who have even seen a Maybach (or can pronounce the word properly) is miniscule. "Royals" is not racist. UPDATE: Lorde is now dating a nerdy Asian guy, and has gotten a ton of hatred for it. Nice going, world.

4) Everyone Thought George Zimmerman was White for a Second

FROM JULY 14: The worst case scenario for race relations came true and George Zimmerman was acquitted of all charges by a jury of his peers in Florida. Despite evidence that George, a man with a history of run-ins with the police, shot and killed an unarmed child who was almost 100 pounds lighter than him, he was not punished for ending Trayvon Martin's life. This occurred in the same state where a black woman could be sentenced to 20 years in prison for not shooting someone.

Pundits on both sides of the cultural divide have found signifcance in this outcome. The black community and sympathetic, liberal whites see this as yet another example of the prejudice inherent in the American judicial system. A white man has gotten away with a vigilante murder against a black child. Conservatives are applauding the decision because it not only reaffirms what they believe is the right to defend yourself with deadly force, but also focuses on their vision of an America that demonizes white people and unfairly paints blacks as victims. The problem with this narrative is that it's predicated on a lie.

The American news media, purveyors of truth and your only source for all the developments in the exciting life of Justin Bieber, continues to call George Zimmerman white. From the moment Trayvon Martin died at George’s hand, news outlets across the nation have repeatedly referred to him as an overzealous white male neighborhood watch member who was overcome with racial animosity.

This creates a really appealing narrative, in which a white guy shot a black kid because of racism. Battle lines can easily be drawn based on such a story: black people get on board with the story that Trayvon was killed by a white oppressor, and white people can comfortably defend George’s right to protect himself from a dark-skinned hoodlum.

It’s a hell of a lot simpler to create this clean, uncomplicated tale of racial tension than it is to correctly identify George as the product of an interracial marriage between a white father and Peruvian mother. To deal with that complexity, the New York Times and others have adopted the rarely used phrase “white Hispanic” to describe the killer. Since important media types are throwing around this term, I assume it is now the proverbial “new normal,” and I'm going to start using it too, despite it being a totally clumsy way to deal with a difficult issue. If my sexual performance is any indication, I'm very comfortable with "clumsy."

My father is white, and my mother is black, so I suppose I’m now “white African,” but isn’t a white African a South African of Dutch descent? OK, what if I called myself “white black”? Is that accurate, or does that sound too much like a really bad punk band’s name? Did I mention I’m Jewish? How do I work that in? My grandfather on my mom’s side was part Native American, so I guess I need to add that to the mix. Next time I have to fill out a United States Census form, I’m going to list myself as “white Jewish black Native American,” or “Confused” for short.

I’m probably missing something in my heritage, but I bet we’re missing a few pieces of the puzzle for George Zimmerman too. I guess the next time a guy who looks white shoots a person who looks black, we should do thorough genealogical examinations of their backgrounds to be sure we’re exploiting them appropriately.

Oh, and congratulations to Barack Obama for being America’s first “white Kenyan African Hawaiian ex-smoker with a mole and huge ears” president. That’s quite an accomplishment!

3) Ann Coulter Discussed "Black Heroes"

FROM JULY 26: Ann Coulter wrote an article titled “Unsung Black People,” where she discussed her black heroes. These folks are the people who dare to be happy when a person is killed. Ann has had it up to here with all the black folk sticking up for their race. They should be glad when a black criminal gets shot. Also, she really wants you to buy her book, as you can see below:

“You'll never hear a peep about any of these courageous black people, unless you obsessively research every "race" case of the last 30 years, as I did for my book Mugged: Racial Demagoguery from the 70s to Obama. (All these black heroes appear in my book.) “

Black heroes mentioned in Ann's book include:

• Blade, the vampire hunter
• Ernie Hudson from Ghostbusters
• Fat Albert
• The guy who saved the women in Cleveland who loves McDonald's
• Darryl Strawberry
• Shaft
• Mace Windu
• Idris Elba
• Clarence Clemons from the E-Street Band
• T.I.

If this sounds amazing to you too, then please rush out and purchase Ann Coulter’s sensational new book where she solves race relations in America forever. It’s priced to move… your bowels!

2) A Black Man Compared Planned Parenthood to the KKK

FROM JUNE 7: A lifetime of insane ramblings that proves that the old adage “even black people can be racist” is absolutely true. Bishop E. W. Jackson, candidate for lieutenant governor of Virginia, has amassed a truly magnificent collection of mind-bogglingly inane campaign positions. He has claimed that President Obama has a “Muslim perspective” (which shouldn’t be an insult, but you know he meant it as such), referred to gay rights as “icky,” and railed against that scourge of American life, yoga, stating that it leads directly to Satanic possession.

"The purpose of such meditation is to empty oneself. [Satan] is happy to invade the empty vacuum of your soul and possess it. Beware of systems of spirituality which tell you to empty yourself. You will end up filled with something you probably do not want."

I can’t stand most yoga enthusiasts or people who wear stretchy pants to the grocery store, so I’m glad I finally have a good reason, but hating yoga isn’t racist or reverse racist. It’s just weird. What is reverse racist is E. W. Jackson trying his damnedest to compare Planned Parenthood to the KKK.

You know how Planned Parenthood has an explicit hatred of minorities, right? Planned Parenthood isn’t an organization that offers women assistance with their reproductive choices. They just plain hate “colored folk” and are engaged in a terrorist campaign against them. Yeah… OK. Next thing you’ll tell me is that Hugh Jackman isn’t gay. You not only insult the people who work hard for a cause they happen to believe in, you also diminish the very real threat of the KKK's hatred. You are actively working against the cause of persecuted peoples everywhere. Nice going, dude.

1) Miley Cyrus Twerks with Black Backup Dancers, World Shits Bricks

FROM AUGUST 30: August 28 marked the 50th anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s iconic “I Have a Dream” speech, which was cause for celebration for some, somber reflection for others, and for a select few, a very good reason to advance a political agenda or say something vaguely racist.

Miley Cyrus changed the face of race relations in America on August 25 with her bold full-body dry heave at the MTV Video Music Awards. Plenty was said on the subject, most of it by people who think a "ratchet" is something you use to fix a car.

The Guardian's writer Hadley Freeman regurgitated the standard righteous indignation and even invoked Dr. King's memory in chastizing Miley for her display of gluteal dexterity. Freeman writes:

"Sadly, King omitted to say whether he also dreamed of 'little white girls from Tennessee mimicking anilingus on little black girls wearing giant animals on their backs', so it's impossible to know how he would have reacted to Miley Cyrus' performance at the VMAs on Sunday. But it seems likely that not even he could have foreseen how the American celebrity world would manage to twist his image into something quite so, if not actually racist, then certainly race-ish."

I googled "race-ish" and the top of my search results read, "Did you mean 'radish'?" Maybe Hadley Freeman meant "radish." We'll probably never know, just like we'll never know if MLK would have been "down as fuck" with Miley, which is why there's no point in speculating. The bizarre fascination with ascribing modern opinions to historical figures is the reason why American religious zealots invoke famously skeptical people like Thomas Jefferson or Benjamin Franklin to justify their insanity. You actually will never know what any dead person would think about a current news story. Sure, I sometimes wonder what Barry Gibb of the Bee Gees would think about the effects of global warming should he have survived to see the year 2013, but I'll never really know. It's a goddamn shame, but let's allow our icons to live in their time and not in ours.

That said, if I had to guess (like, I had a legally obtained firearm pressed to my temple and George Zimmerman was holding it there), I'd say Martin Luther King Jr. would totally be into Miley Cyrus. It's common knowledge that MLK had a sweet tooth for the ladies. Plus, I bet somewhere in that dream of his was a white girl who actually had rhythm.

@dave_schilling