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Music

Hey Vegas #Beerfort Guy, We Know Who You Are

...And by the sounds of it, we kinda wanna date you

This is a long and creepy story. Two weekends ago, I woke up to a text about some guy that bought a shit load of beer at XS nightclub in Las Vegas. Him and his posse built a fortress from the cases to encapsulate their own personal flex zone. Club promoters and patrons were posting photos of the incident and I was a little upset that I missed it. Lucky for me, I ended up stopping by the club the very next night, where the now notorious #beerfort was constructed once again.

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Weird stuff happens in Vegas nightclubs all the time, but this particular story ended up going viral. I sent snotty emails to blogs who covered it, correcting the details of their stories because I was there. People were really stoked. Frat blogs were making a huge deal out of it because frat guys love beer and this man had become their champion. The rest of the Internet was into it because the Internet loves ridiculous shit in general. And then I got this really great idea to track down the beer fort guy because Robesman tweeted about it. In fact, the whole Twittersphere was up in arms about it:

I thought it would be easy to just hit up my friends at XS, get the beer fort guy's info, and call him up for a story. But nobody would give him up. The hosts claimed that he wanted to "remain anonymous," hotel and nightclub PR wouldn't divulge any details, and no one I knew had any solid facts about the guy. I tried to gather as much information as possible, but the rumors kept conflicting with each other. I hit a dead end.

It all seemed so sketchy. Like, why would someone create a beer fort that cost a rumored quarter-million dollars—twice—if they didn't want any attention for it? Was this a hoax? Was it a publicity stunt for the property? Was the true beer fort guy some nefarious drug dealer or mobster that couldn't risk this much attention? All questions. No answers.

The following weekend, just as I had given up on my story, I was tipped off that the beer for guy was back at XS. This was my chance. I would just roll up to the club, make friends with him, and out the guy to the whole world in a bout of muckraking glory. When I had arrived, this weekend's beer structure was in a more modest throne-type arrangement. I counted about 30 cases this time, built around the booth at the side of the stage. I stood as awkwardly close to them as possible and tried to act like I was there because I was really excited for Zedd; which I was not, because going to a Zedd show is the exact most basic thing you can do on a Saturday night if you live in Las Vegas.

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I observed the party and took a bunch of creepy photos including this one of Brody Jenner because he's really hot and I was freaking out:

They were really nice and handed a few beers to my friend and I, as well as pretty much everyone else around us, because they had like 30 fucking cases of beer. I still couldn't figure out who the beer fort guy was, though. When I finally got up the courage to actually speak to them, I took a few selfies with this guy in their group and the remaining beer pyramid and then immediately got kicked out of the area. Before my departure, I asked one of them if they were the famed beer fort guys and got an incomprehensible slur that I assumed meant yes.

I then went home to analyze my discoveries. Through some heavy IRL and URL stalking, I am 99.9% positive that I have figured out who the beer fort guy is. I had enough information from photos of the previous weekend along with just observing the group and taking note of some branded merchandise that they had. I eventually found them all online. Through some casual DM conversation with a member of their group, I started to piece together the whole story. At first I thought I had uncovered some rare nightlife scandal, but the more I learned about this guy, the more basic it became. I repeatedly requested to connect with Beer Fort Guy personally and was rejected every time by the liaison I had found on Twitter.

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I'm not going to give Beer Fort Guy up because I'm not an asshole and he really doesn't want to be found. He has a grown up job and I'm assuming that he doesn't want "#beerfort" to follow his career. These details make him seem so much cooler, though, because he didn't buy an alarming amount of beer for viral attention. He was really just fucking around in the club and being awesome for his own enjoyment.

So here are my findings to disparage the rumors. The alleged beer fort guy is not some freshly legal kid who just inherited hundreds of millions of dollars. He's one of the head bitches at some swanky financial firm and he graduated from high school when I was 11. Among his weird antics, he also had a piñata filled with Starbursts delivered to the table (although I heard he originally requested a live panda) and was handing out glasses of chocolate milk to randoms. The beer fort was downsized by the second weekend because Beer Fort Guy left a few cases behind for his friend's younger brother to play with. The guy in my #beerfortselfies ended up being the BFF of the above-mentioned brother. I found this photo of them stuntin' with Dillon Francis earlier that week, too.

I love that you can find out the details of someone's life on the Internet if you look hard enough. I found this guy's sparse social media accounts, as well as his friends' and his family's. I even requested him on Facebook but he hasn't added me back, yet. I creeped his LinkedIn profile, his wife's IG posts of their fabulous life, and his friends who also seem like they like to turn up harder, better, and more lavishly than anyone else. He has 3 "likes" on Soundcloud; all of which are super dope and I think he and I would get along well according to our musical tastes. So, Beer Fort Guy, if you're reading this: your secret is safe with me. But if you do ever come back to Vegas and decide to one-up yourself with, say, a champagne fort, feel free to slide an invite into my DMs because I am so down.

More investigative journalism:
Livio and Roby's New Vid Gets More Ass Than a Proctologist
Cakes Da Killa is the Cunt Queen of New York

Kat Boehrer is thirsty for bad beer and rich men - @Ohmygoditskat