We've all been to our fair share of shite clubs. You know the kind - the ones where you get papped on entry in front of a placard that reads 'Rich & Famous', and then need to spend the rest of the night ducking and weaving to avoid the invasive club photographer who just won't fuck off.
Club promotional videos are a chance to make these dives look relatively palatable but more often than not, they somehow contrive to make the clubs look even worse: as if they'd given up trying to polish the turd, and instead decided to shovel even more shit on it to hide the smell. After all, their rationale is probably that if you're the kind of mind-numbingly tragic person who is already attending said club, then a fucking atrocious promotional video is hardly going to change your mind.
Some club videos do a decent job of making chronic FOMO-ers feel shit about themselves for choosing to stay in and watch Eat, Pray, Love, but the majority of them are terrible. This one however, a recently surfaced promo for Bounce By The Ounce in Preston really is something else. There is way too much gold packed into its four minute running time to even begin describing here, so we've highlighted the best bits in a bid to show you how not to make one of your own.
A PRE-CLUB INTRO CLIP IS NOT NECESSARY
0:01: We are greeted by this endearing collection of solid lads, with the bald ringleader welcoming us with the opening gambit: "Yes, you know the styles, check the vibe". I'm not sure who these guys are exactly - they could be the bouncers, the resident MC's or the guys who sell lollipops in the toilet - but I appreciate their dog-eared attempt at pirate radio banter homage nonetheless.
THE DISCLOSURE FACE IS DONE, LEAVE IT
0:18: Hang on a minute, these peoples' faces look a bit funny. What's happening? Am I having a seizure? No, rest assured, you are fine. It's only some ingenious editing skills copying the Disclosure face, and transposing it onto some unassuming clubbers. To be fair I have no idea how he did that, so I guess props are in order.
OH YEAH, AND IRONIC CLOTHING TOO
0:24: Uh oh.My man thought it would a good idea to rep the tee shirt with the suit and bow tie printed on top. It's a pretty gangster look at the Year 6 disco, but he's not in Year 6 and he's not Justin Timberlake so, unless he's the king of irony, he should just go home and have a long, hard think.
ARTIFICES THAT GLOW IN THE DARK ARE CREEPY AS HELL
0:35: Woi oiiiii gun finger time, the fluorescent dildo is out. The clubber in question is holding it up in the air in one hand, but is holding his head in the other as if to say, "Damn I wish I hadn't left my other fluorescent dildo at home, then I would've looked like I was having twice as much fun".
CELEBRITY LOOKALIKES ARE NOT A VIBE
0:57: I always knew Nicki was actually from Lancashire. Here she is dressed to kill, representing YMCMB til she dies with a Keep Calm top on too. I couldn't make out what the bottom half of the tee shirt read, so I did a bit of digging and found out that it reads 'Keep Calm and Bounce By The Ounce'. Don Draper's on the phone love, he wants his ad back.
FLASHING YOUR UNDERWEAR IS A HUGE NO, COME ON
02:12, 02:48, 02:55, 03:05 - it's all over the place. This seems pretty basic and self-explanatory, but what do the clubbing establishment or the women stand to gain from doing this?
AVOID MIDDLE AGED MEN AT ALL COSTS
0:40: It's fine to laugh at drunk dads dancing like complete twats but we're all going be there someday, so I'm not going go too hard on this guy for jumping around like he's got a pogo stick stuck up his ass.
01:40: On the other hand, this guy looks like what would happen if Doc Brown from Back To The Future had a three way sexual encounter with Voldemort and Benjamin Button, locked the baby away in a club somewhere on the outskirts of Preston, and raised it on a diet of watermelon flavoured VKs and MDMA. The eccies sweats are strong with this one.
02:01: To be fair, this guy has thought ahead. He's brought sunglasses for industry-strength pupil safeguarding and a workout top so his sweat doesn't show, and he's even managed to sneak in a homemade brew of Tennent's Super Strong mixed with Frosty Jacks. It looks as though he's already finished half of it, so he's well on the road to getting trollied and drunk dialling all of his ex-wives.
02:35: The last time I saw lads like this, I was being handed flyers with the St Georges Cross on it.
03.08: Jesus mate get the the dentist, your teeth are worse than Skream's.
MEN DANCING WITH NO ONE WITHIN TEN FEET OF THEM DOES NOT SUGGEST A VIBE
02:22: Especially when the man in question looks like the kind of aggy bastard who will knock over your drink and then square up to you just so you can smell his sweaty breath as he apologises, willing you to react so he has an excuse to cut your balls off.
WAVING LAUGHING GAS AROUND DOES NOT SAY "I AM HAVING FUN BY DISREGARDING AUTHORITY"
02:41: It just makes you look like a cunt.
SEDUCTION IS A FINE ART - LICKING THE CAMERA IS NOT PART OF IT
03.56: It's not sexy love, and neither is the glass of Gatorade you're holding.
DON'T SHOW THE POST-CLUB CLUBBERS IN THE MORNING LIGHT. EVER.
04:03: There is no bigger buzz kill than stepping out of a club in the morning and turning around to look at the girl you've been linking the whole night, only to see that she was actually a 40 year old with a dodgy nose job. It happens to the best of us.
So there you have it: a by-no-means definitive list of how not to fuck up a club promo video, but judging by how there's a 'Bounce By The Ounce Two Coming Soon', we may well have to update this post or write a whole new one, depending on what the good people of BBTO have in store for us. In the meantime, if you haven't already booked your ticket to Preston, you can like the Bounce By The Ounce page here to stay up to date with all of their latest movements.
Lev Harris doesn't want guest list for Bounce By The Ounce: @levharris1 Some more of the worst things on Earth
The Worst Interview of All Time With Paul Oakenfold
2004 was The Worst Year in Dance Music
I Went To The Worst Night Club In Europe
The Worst Parties of 2013