Best Of 2014: A Year of Fucked-Up Food News

2014, you were a rough one: between the unrest in Ukraine, the disappearance of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370, Boko Haram, and Ebola, you seemed to be set on bumming people out all the time. And in the world of food news, things were just as bleak.

There was that time when a leading marine biologist informed us that by 2048, the oceans will pretty much be emptied of all the delicious fish, like cod and flounder, that we like to eat. Unless we drastically change our ways, that is.

"We need to reduce fishing pressure in all countries and make the recovery and rebuilding of depleted stocks a priority," Dr. Boris Worm told us.

Well, at least if we don't have fish to eat in the midcentury, we'll have shellfish, right? Wrong. This year, we learned that libidos everywhere are in danger as acidifying oceans kill off mankind's favorite aphrodisiac in record numbers. Oh, and how could we forget? Herpes is wiping them out, too (yes, you read that right). So much for ringing in the New Year with a plate of chilled Bluepoints and a glass of bubbly.

OK, so fish and shellfish are off the menu, it seems. That, because chicken is delicious—we'll just eat some chicken for dinner instead.

Wait, what's that you say? Over 70 percent of chicken sold in supermarkets in the UK is contaminated with bacteria that causes fever, diarrhea, and sometimes death? Jesus Christ, what can a person eat these days?

Well, definitely not bananas! As we also learned in 2014, a looming bananapocalypse—in the form of a deadly, incurable fungus—threatens to wipe out our favorite healthy snack. What will the children of the future bring to school in their lunchboxes?!

And what will shrimp lovers who flock to Red Lobster on Tuesday nights—when the shellfish are all-you-can-eat—tuck into when "early mortality syndrome" kills off the majority of the world's farmed shrimp?

Sadness. A big plate of sadness is what they'll be eating.

Here's hoping that the new year brings us some less depressing food news—and that blights, diseases, and global warming stop killing off all the things we love to eat.