Our friend from Canada Mint who stole $138K worth of gold using his bum was back in the news again.
This time it was in regards to the Crown recommending three years in prison for 35-year-old Leston Lawrence's little rectal caper. But, his recent appearance got me thinking about my finances: what exactly can you steal via your rectum? I know you, my fair reader, would never do such a thing, but what if you got pushed to your limits? What if you could make number two, work for you?
And, if you did have to bum smuggle for a living, what is the best bang for your buck?
So, to do that we need to know, well, what you can fit up there. Thankfully, pop sci already figured out how much you can fit in your booty hole (so there was no need for, um, hands-on research). According to Dr. William Whitehead, of the University of North Carolina, the "maximum capacity of a normal rectum—meaning, before the patient is overcome by the urge to defecate—is about 350 to 500 mL."
Now, I know bums come in all shapes and sizes and if you put some time into it, you could stretch that sucker, but for this very important thought experiment, let's imagine it's just the regular ol' person off the street and go with 500 mL for my calculations.
(You may ask "what about my colon, I could fit a ton of stuff up there as well?" Yes you can, but you would risk tearing your little poop shoot and no one wants that. The colon is delicate—the rectum is a champ.)
So with that groundwork done, and without further ado, here is the market value of stuff you can fit in your ass.
[Mathematicians stop reading here, I am a journalist. Prices are in Canadian dollars unless otherwise noted, sorry everyone.]
Here we go!
So if the butt can fit 500 mL, it means you can tuck around 500,000 cubic millimetres in there. With an one millimetre diamond weighing 0.005 ct and the going rate of a 0.005 ct diamond being $7.80 per millimetre, well, you can smuggle $3,900,000 US worth of small diamonds in your bum.
Wolfram Alpha tells me that the density of pure cocaine is 1.216 grams per cubic centimetre. Using that we can find out that the average butt can fit, at max, 608 grams of pure cocaine. In the United States, in 2015, the average cost of coke was 62 bucks per gram. You, thusly, can fit $37,696 US of cocaine up there.
That's one hell of a party.
The most amount of gold you could shove up your ass, going with the average price of a gram of 24K gold being $38.60, is worth $372,142 US. However, while that's a lot of money, you would have around 9.65 kg of gold in your ass, which is what, like, a small dog weighs.
Now you may say, "well Mack, that's a lot of gold to have in your butt. Wouldn't you just poop out the gold?" And to you I respond with, "look, this isn't a perfect science. Please don't yell at me on Twitter over an article about what you can fit in your ass."
Ah… oil—black gold, Texas tea. WTI crude is currently trading at around $52.83/barrel and one barrel is equivalent to 159 litres. So… you can smuggle 16 cents of crude oil in your rectum.
Not that great of a deal. However, with the volatile market, who knows, maybe your stolen bum oil will rebound?
The worlds hottest hot sauce:
Imagine the hottest hot sauce you've ever had. Now times that by 1,000 and imagine it up your bum. Yeah, that's what we're talking about here. As far as my super in-depth research can tell me, Blair's Caldera, at 16 million Scoville Units, is the hottest hot sauce in the world. It costs $ 2,999 for 1.8 Oz from Peppers of Key West.
So, if you really needed to, you can fit $28,195 US worth of the world's hottest hot sauce in your ass—which would certainly fuck up your day/life.
To cool down your flaming insides from the hot sauce, why not try a little milk? The average cost of milk in Canada is $1.20 per litre. So, in Canada, you can steal around 60 cents of milk in your rectum to help out with the scalding pain from the hot sauce.
The world's most expensive honey
Did you guys know that "Elvish" honey from Turkey is the world's most expensive honey? Well, you do now—plus you're going to learn how much of it you can steal in your pooper. So, Elvish honey sells for about US $6,800 per kilogram and, apparently, one cup of honey weighs 12 oz.
When we plug that into our rectum calculation, we find you can fit around $4,600 US of the world's most expensive honey right up in there.
You don't fuck with people's maple syrup unless you want a bunch of angry Quebecers on your ass. But, if you were so inclined to pull off such a caper, the farm value of Maple Syrup in 2015 was $15.96 a litre, which means you can fit $7.73 of sticky maple syrup up there—organic farm to ass.
Good luck getting it out.
Unless you plan on waddling with a full ass the whole way home you're probably going to need to have a getaway car. With the average cost of mid-grade gas being $1.08 per litre in Toronto, at the time of writing, the most amount of gas you could pump into your bum is 54 cents.
According to CraftBeerRestaurant.com the ethical restaurant price for a 750 ml craft beer that costs $8 wholesale is $17 (We are going with fancy beer here for buttchugging.) So if you were going to go into a nice eatery and hook your ass up to the keg, you would be able to fit $11.22 of it up there.
Kraft Stove Top Stuffing Mix for Chicken
Look, I don't know why you would want to turn yourself into Thanksgiving turkey but I'm not going to judge. Anyhoo, you can fit $5.62 worth of Kraft stuffing in your ass.
During the celebration for your newly acquired wealth from the smuggling, you should probably have some bubbly, right? And how else would you get it other than using your newly acquired skills?
According to Wine.com, a 750 ml of Dom Perignon costs $179.99, meaning if you you wanted to sip some of the finest you would be able to get around $120 US worth per bum-full.
For a little snack to go along with your bum champagne, let's go full ritzy and get ourselves some caviar, why don't we?
If we're going to go big and shove fish eggs up our ass, lets go big. One of the most expensive caviars on the market is the Strottarga Bianco which goes for up to $40,000 a teaspoon. If you filled up your ass with this you'll be awkwardly waddling away with a cool $98,000,000 US.
So kids, if you learned anything today make it this: if you're going to shove stuff up your ass for money, make it fancy fish eggs. Just be sanitary about it.
Lead image via Flickr user muffinn.
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