New Yorkers Are All Eating Black-Market Ice Cream

Just where is a person to turn when everything they ever knew turns out to be a bald–faced lie?

That's the question we're left asking ourselves after finding out the unspeakable: That half-eaten pint of rum raisin in all of our fridges could very likely be stolen goods.

Back in February, New York City was rocked to its core when it was revealed by local authorities that a ring of thieves had stolen thousands of dollars' worth of ice cream from several drugstores throughout the city. At the time, the NYPD suggested that ice cream stolen with the goal of reselling it elsewhere was becoming an increasingly regular practice.

Sadly, the state of NYC's ice cream supply seems to be far bleaker than previously believed. The New York Post reports that according to a police source, numerous deli and bodega owners throughout the city are buying ice cream from thieves who steal it from Manhattan drugstores. The ice cream obviously melts in transit to its new home, which could partially explain why you can easily find freezer-burned ice cream at countless bodegas.

An unnamed source at the NYPD told the Post, "They take the pints of ice cream and resell them uptown at bodegas in Harlem and Washington Heights or up in The Bronx."

Since last year, at least ten CVS and Duane Reade locations throughout the city have been robbed of their frozen wares. The thieves are said to mainly target Ben & Jerry's, Häagen-Dazs, and Talenti brand ice cream.

"They're selling them for 10 cents on the dollar, so it's a good deal for the bodega and for the seller," said another police source.

A CVS located on West 23rd Street has been targeted at least three times, with the last ice cream theft happening in April. The store's manager, Frank Sarpong, decided to call the police after he caught two thieves in the middle of the day making off with 148 pints of ice cream, which is estimated to have a value of about $935.

"They look to see if the employees are distracted or ask for help, and then they go back there and take it. They don't take it all, but they don't leave much. They don't want to come in with a big, huge bag, so they do it little by little over the course of an hour," Sarpong said.

Oh ice cream, you magnificently frigid bastard. What a tangled, delicious web you weave. All this talk sort of makes us want to get our Ocean's Eleven on.