FYI.

This story is over 5 years old.

Music

Which Of London's Mayoral Candidates Should Clubbers Vote For? | US | Translation

Are you more likely to see Goldsmith, Khan or Galloway in the queue for fabric this Friday?
Photo by Ben Sutherland via Flickr

So, as the increasingly frenzied and numerous e-mails from Harriet Harman remind us: there is only a week and bit before the first votes are cast to determine the new mayor of London. That's right, as of May 5th, Bojo's reign of impotence and terror is over.

As surely as night follows day and day drips into night, this has meant a raft of ridiculous promises and outlining of 'priorities' from the candidates. They care, they really care about all of your pathetic and trivial concerns and wants. The potholes outside Ladywell station? A priority. The opening of the 18th Tesco Extra on Kilburn High Road? A priority. The bloke in your flats that you can hear sobbing through the papier mâché walls at 4am? Most assuredly, a priority.

Advertisement

So where does the issue of nightlife lie on the endless list of priorities? Well, according to recent comments by dog-whistler and sheepish looking rando-billionaire-eco-Tory Zac Goldsmith, it is a VERY BIG PRIORITY. He's come out swinging on this issue, bigging up the capacities of the soon-to-be 24-hour Tube as a panacea to London's ailing club culture.

Read more: 10 things I hate about clubbing in London

Having lost, according to estimates, over a third of its late night venues since 2007, it does seem like something Needs To Be Done to arrest London's decline as an international centre for nightlife. Predictably enough, Sadiq Kahn has echoed Goldsmith's commitment to the cause by pointing slightly too long at his own 'London Plan', which will apparently "make it more difficult to redevelop key cultural and heritage venues." Which sounds wonderful until you read it more than once and notice that it means, quite literally, nothing.

So, with all these priorities and commitments flying about in the ether, we've decided to slice through the cloudy rubbish and bring you the definitive guide to nightlife and the London mayoral race.

Zac Goldsmith

All Photos via Wiki Commons.

It seems right to start with the Richmond Guevara, if only because he's been the most vocal and probably the most detailed in his public utterances about nightlife in the city. Though his night-tube plan might be a load of ill-thought out cobblers, it does at least seem a quarter-way plausible.

Advertisement

Think about it: 24 hour service = 24 hours of Tooting to Barnet = 24 potential hours of being able to get from Clapham to Kings Cross. What this is going to do for clubbing is unapparent apart from encouraging smooth cheeked, tightly chinoed, JP Morgan interns to migrate from their Balham ghetto into the rickshaw and Belushis hell of Saturday night central London.

But it's actually quite a radical step from a candidate who's given zero indication of having much going on aside from a GDP sized bank balance and a developed line in crudely racist campaigning techniques.

It's impossible to shake the nagging suspicion that Zac's idea of a big Saturday night is reading back issues of the Ecologist, while farting mournfully in the bath. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Sadiq Kahn

Sadiq Kahn has been a very busy boy on the campaign trail. You get a sense that no photo opportunity is too absurd, no meet and greet too agonising. Out of all the candidates he is the most likely to be papped having the time of his life by the Thamesmead Enquirer, while playing table tennis with a room of distressed pensioners.

A toddlers crown to caress? Sadiq is more than happy to oblige. A waterpump opening in Sutton? He's there before the thing is operating. A new Morelys in Lewisham? Sadiq's standing at the sneeze guard, £1.99 clenched in sweaty fists ready for his 2 wings and chips.

So it's with great disappointment and no little bafflement, that no gleaming press shots have—as of yet—emerged of the Labour man in the queue for fabric hands in pockets, jaw clenched, whispering "these are really bloody strong, actually mate" to an appalled looking aide.

Advertisement

That being said, he did have a fundraiser thrown for him at the Joiners Arms a couple of months ago called "Kahn't Get You Out of My Head". Which is—you'll agree—an objectively great thing.

George Galloway

I saw Gorgeous George in New Cross last week. Well, not quite saw, actually, it was more like being engulfed by the presence of greatness. He drove past me in his mayoral battle bus on a Tuesday afternoon, at 2pm, as I stood mute at the entrance to New Cross Gate station.

There was a glimpse of fedora and that was about it. He seemed to be repeating "George Galloway" over and over again, which is an exceptionally simple and brilliant campaign technique.

To be honest, I've got no idea what indefatigable George thinks about London's nightlife. But is he the candidate most likely to rock up to Venue wearing black dress shoes and white sports direct trainers? I'll leave that one to your discrete powers of judgement (Yes, he is).

Peter Whittle

Well, aside from wanting a carvery on every corner and a Harvester on every high street, I'm not sure what Peter Whittle thinks. I don't really think he does either, because aside from "having lived in London for quite a long time," his candidate page says very little aside from a 300 word "Message from Nigel Farage." It's probably safe to say that he favours bringing back compulsory smoking in pubs and introducing a flat 90% tax on "lassies drinks," i.e anything aside from chestnut brown, foamy topped nut-brown ales.

Advertisement

Is this the face of a man who'd stand up to councils hellbent on turning London into nothing more than a dormitory town for the Gail's Bakery crowd? Categorically not.

Lee Harris

Simply the most distinguished candidate in this aspect of policy. As a former anti-apartheid campaigner, playwright, actor and editor of Europe's first, sadly shortly lived, Cannabis magazine Home Grown, Harris sounds like the candidate that has the best grip on what a life affirming night out actually means.

Details be damned, this is a man who knows, a man who fundamentally understands. If I close my eyes in this drab cafe, as I write this, right now, I can see it. Me and Lee, out in the smoking area of Ronnie Scotts. Me, ten pints in, swaying but merry. Lee, sober and smiling at my folly. He pulls half a boss head from the breast pocket of his cord shirt. The bouncer smiles indulgently, winks and turns away: 'It's just Lee". I toke, spray vomit on my dress shoes, motion an apology with my hands. Lee, laughing, tapping on the back hailing me a taxi and slipping a £50 note into the cabbies hand. "Make sure the lad gets in safe", he'll say.

"No problem, Mayor Harris, you're the best." That's what the cabbie would say, or at least would say in a world too good to be our own.

Does Lee get your vote? Or is it Whittle? Follow Francisco on Twitter for more informed reasoning ahead of the election.