Last week NFL players reported to their respective training camps across the league to get their athletic bodies toned and tuned up in preparation for the day when they will slide into their pads, tight pants, and helmets and come roaring out of the tunnel on Week 1 in a muscled torrent of raw masculinity. This year one of the big storylines will no doubt be how Michael Sam, a rookie defensive end for the St. Louis Rams who happens to be gay, performs in camp and in preseason games. Already, former NFL head coach Tony Dungy made headlines saying a dumb thing about Sam then clarifying that he didn't mean to sound that dumb, so we've got a lot of that sort of thing to look forward to this year.
The best way for everyone to get over this homophobia and awkwardness is, duh, to have more out gay players in the NFL. Unfortunately, Sam's the only one, which leaves gay men interested in the league (or at least the players) with nothing to do but fantasize about which guys we'd like to draft to play for our "team." Here's my short list. (And sorry, Tim Tebow, while there is nothing I would like more than to rock your Christian world by making you scream "Oh God!" repeatedly during a long night of loving, only current NFL players are allowed on this list.)
Photo by Joe Toth
Rob Gronkowski Position: Tight End, New England Patriots Desired Position: TopNot only is Gronkowski 6-foot-a-jillion-inches tall, he also looks like the most muscular Bel Ami model you're ever going to find. Speaking of porn stars, he posted a picture of one (a female one, sadly) wearing his jersey on Twitter. That's the kind of sex-positive attitude that will get you very far in the gay community, Gronk. (And let's not forget that a "Gronk" sounds like something that would happen to you in the woods in Fire Island.)
Reggie Bush Position: Running Back, Detroit Lions Desired Position: TopYeah, yeah, yeah, Reggie Bush dated Kim Kardashian. Most people might think this is a negative, but they are very wrong. First of all, Kim is a noted size queen who has very good taste in men. Secondly, when Bush attends his first circuit party, he can spill all the tea on Kim, which will give him something to talk to all the guys about. He is also part owner of a men's grooming company, so he'll fit right in with the heavily manscaped crowd.
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Photo by Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports
Arian Foster Position: Running Back, Houston Texans Desired Position: BottomThis insanely handsome offspring of a black father and a Mexican mother is a philosophy major and avid poetry writer; you can imagine him waking you at 4 AM so you can drive out to the desert and meditate naked together while the sun comes up. He's a vegan, which is a little annoying, but at least there's a sensitive, crunchy guy hiding somewhere inside that macho exterior. And he just happens to have an ass that has all the cheerleaders turning their heads.
Photo by Joe Camporeale-USA TODAY Sports
Eric Decker Position: Wide Receiver, New York Jets/ Reality TV star Eric & Jessie: Game On Desired Position: VersatileObviously, I'd like to fuck Eric Decker every which way until Sunday—he's the most conventionally attractive man in the NFL today who doesn't endorse disgusting man Uggs (I'm talking to you, Tom Brady). But the real reason I want him to be gay is because then we'd get to watch him come out to his wife, country singer Jessie James, on their E! TV show. That shit would make reality TV history.
Photo by Charles LeClaire-USA TODAY Sports
Jordan Cameron Position: Tight End, Cleveland Browns Desired Position: Bottom
He was raised Mormon. Done!
Photo via Instagram
Victor Cruz Position: Wide Receiver, New York Giants Desired Position: BottomAt first I thought, "Naw, I don't want Victor Cruz to be gay because that's too stereotypical: He's the kind of guy who keeps a Paris Fashion Week Diary for Vanity Fair" But fuck that shit. Yeah, we're gay. Yeah, we like fashion. You got a problem with it? Victor right here will kick your ass with his enormous biceps and then make you feel bad about yourself when he smiles at you with his toothy grin.
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Photo by Jeffrey Pittenger-USA TODAY Sports
Matt Barkley Position: Quarterback, Philadelphia Eagles Desired Position: BottomThis Aryan quarterback is the definition of all-American, and having someone who typifies the straight male ideal turn out to be gay would be a very powerful image. All-American also happens to be just my type. And it would be karmic justice: Barkley is against gays having the right to marry, so it seems apt that he would have to eat his words. (He'd also have to eat something else.)
Cam Newton Position: Quarterback, Carolina Panthers Desired Position: TopCam is the only player to win a Heisman Trophy and a national championship and become the number one draft pick in the same year. But for our purposes, I don't care too much about that: I want him to be gay because of his Under Armour ad. Do you see what he's packin'?
Photo by Cary Edmondson-USA TODAY Sports
Patrick Willis Position: Linebacker, San Francisco 49ers Desired Position: VersatileThere's a certain type of homosexual (i.e., most of them) who love muscles and tattoos. Willis's upper body is not only shredded to death, but it's also covered in ink, just perfect for flexing while he goes to bone town. Let's not forget that he plays in San Francisco. Michael Sam's jersey sales are booming—imagine the money the NFL would make if they had a queer star in America's gayest city.Brian Moylan doesn't know much about football, but he knows what he likes. Follow him on Twitter.
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