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The High Post's Brian Lauvray and Chris Collision speculate which team is the best fit for the services of a certain Spaniard.BL: Let's talk about some of the other NBA news that's happening. First off: Tony Snell (not a free agent, but likely the knight, or possibly bishop in Thibs' chess game/'Melo recruitment) has a new 'do. He looks nice, but, lo, gone are the dreads. Yes, Monsieur Snell is rocking a practically 'Melo Lite look now. Will Snell go full-on Single White Female and start rocking Anthony's, uh, eclectic wardrobe? Time (and Twitter) will tell:Any news on the LeBron-Bosh-'Melo front? No? Still waiting for Dan Gilbert to destroy us all? Chill. Great. Just go back to binge-watching Bob's Burgers on Netflix/listening to Pet Sounds and pondering why in god's name the Beach Boys put "Sloop Jon B" on the album, OK? [The views expressed in this article regarding the Beach Boys's classic "Sloop John B" are those of the authors and are not shared by VICE Sports at large.—Ed.][Turns down lights]Now then, let's talk about why you're really here: The Pau Gasol Sweepstakes. I know, where should he go? Where will he go?SPURS
Does Gregg Popovich have an exquisite rioja from those astonishing 2006-'07 vintages for just this occasion? "Senor Pop! A 2007 Contino? Indeed, you are master with such discernment." Has Pop playfully had Marc Gasol wrapped up like a birthday present, hidden in a closet somewhere in the Spurs compound for the past 11 days? "An offer you can't refuse, Pau, your brother's freedom for you signing along the line that is dotted."The prospect of Pau going to the San Antonio Spurs is, in my opinion, the most appealing (for us basketball aesthetes) and most cruel (for the rest of the league).CC: Pau Gasol? We're really talking about Pau Gasol? I'm all for affectionate attention to the AAA—it's in the margins and crannies where the interesting shit is—but, you know: perspective.BL: Let me finish! Pau and Boris pinballing the orange roundy out from the paint to any of the Spurs' snipers? Pau and Boris wreaking havoc on the poor bench rosters of every other team in the NBA? Pau, Duncan, Tony, and Manu old-man-balling the everlovin' shit out of gassed young pups with Duncan saying something to DeMarcus Cousins like: "Best be doing more wind sprints in triple-digit heat, whippersnapper," (sotto voce, natch). The 2014-15 regular season would just be an extended mix of the 2014 Finals, with Popovich making sure to discover the most balanced rotation of all time.CC: You've really thought about this a lot, Brian.BL: I got more.CC: /Quietly reaches for a sedative.OKLAHOMA CITY
BL: I'm far too comfortable with Pau, Durant, and Westbrook only teaming up on Western Conference All-Star squads, I don't know. This really bores me, not because I don't think Pau would get his on the Thunder roster, or because it wouldn't work. No, it's because I really think Scott Brooks would find a way to flub the entire thing. Haters gon' hate and Scott Brooks gon' Scott Brooks. So, yeah, it's actually because I think the parts, thanks to Brooks, would be less than their sum.CHICAGO
It all depends on what the Bulls end up shopping to get Pau. An amnestied Boozer and Taj for one good year of Pau offense? Sure! Not to be the screendoor in the submarine, but I just don't see this happening and I'm a Bulls fan. I suffer through long periods of bleak, grey hopelessness that we Chicagoans call that the Bulls Free Agency Market. Bulls just never get anything as good as Pau.CC: "Bulls just never get anything as good as Pau" is low-key as depressing a sentence as anything I've ever read.LOS ANGELES LAKERS
BL: Ugh. I mean, FREE PAU GASOL. Arguably the most-likely outcome because stasis. This is also the cruelest outcome for Pau. And Kobe. And every Swaggy P. And everyone else on the Lakers. So, I mean, good for us non-Lakers fans? I just don't have the heart to hope for more purgatory for Pau.CC: One hopes the millions of dollars, moderately attractive location, and easy access to the infinite avalanche of whimsy and good-natured jokes that is Kobe Bean Bryant will somehow ease this large Spaniard's pain. Look, we all know he's going to end up in Denver, where none of us will ever think about him again: he's a Kerouac character, one of his holy fool types, and, if you know your Kerouac/Denver lore, you know that Jack was said to have said "all characters have to be going somewhere…so all my characters are going to Denver."Of course, he also said "Down in Denver, all I did was die," so.
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Does Gregg Popovich have an exquisite rioja from those astonishing 2006-'07 vintages for just this occasion? "Senor Pop! A 2007 Contino? Indeed, you are master with such discernment." Has Pop playfully had Marc Gasol wrapped up like a birthday present, hidden in a closet somewhere in the Spurs compound for the past 11 days? "An offer you can't refuse, Pau, your brother's freedom for you signing along the line that is dotted."The prospect of Pau going to the San Antonio Spurs is, in my opinion, the most appealing (for us basketball aesthetes) and most cruel (for the rest of the league).CC: Pau Gasol? We're really talking about Pau Gasol? I'm all for affectionate attention to the AAA—it's in the margins and crannies where the interesting shit is—but, you know: perspective.BL: Let me finish! Pau and Boris pinballing the orange roundy out from the paint to any of the Spurs' snipers? Pau and Boris wreaking havoc on the poor bench rosters of every other team in the NBA? Pau, Duncan, Tony, and Manu old-man-balling the everlovin' shit out of gassed young pups with Duncan saying something to DeMarcus Cousins like: "Best be doing more wind sprints in triple-digit heat, whippersnapper," (sotto voce, natch). The 2014-15 regular season would just be an extended mix of the 2014 Finals, with Popovich making sure to discover the most balanced rotation of all time.
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BL: I'm far too comfortable with Pau, Durant, and Westbrook only teaming up on Western Conference All-Star squads, I don't know. This really bores me, not because I don't think Pau would get his on the Thunder roster, or because it wouldn't work. No, it's because I really think Scott Brooks would find a way to flub the entire thing. Haters gon' hate and Scott Brooks gon' Scott Brooks. So, yeah, it's actually because I think the parts, thanks to Brooks, would be less than their sum.CHICAGO
It all depends on what the Bulls end up shopping to get Pau. An amnestied Boozer and Taj for one good year of Pau offense? Sure! Not to be the screendoor in the submarine, but I just don't see this happening and I'm a Bulls fan. I suffer through long periods of bleak, grey hopelessness that we Chicagoans call that the Bulls Free Agency Market. Bulls just never get anything as good as Pau.CC: "Bulls just never get anything as good as Pau" is low-key as depressing a sentence as anything I've ever read.LOS ANGELES LAKERS
BL: Ugh. I mean, FREE PAU GASOL. Arguably the most-likely outcome because stasis. This is also the cruelest outcome for Pau. And Kobe. And every Swaggy P. And everyone else on the Lakers. So, I mean, good for us non-Lakers fans? I just don't have the heart to hope for more purgatory for Pau.CC: One hopes the millions of dollars, moderately attractive location, and easy access to the infinite avalanche of whimsy and good-natured jokes that is Kobe Bean Bryant will somehow ease this large Spaniard's pain. Look, we all know he's going to end up in Denver, where none of us will ever think about him again: he's a Kerouac character, one of his holy fool types, and, if you know your Kerouac/Denver lore, you know that Jack was said to have said "all characters have to be going somewhere…so all my characters are going to Denver."Of course, he also said "Down in Denver, all I did was die," so.