This Is Not A Scam
Photo by Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

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Sports

This Is Not A Scam

Meet the VICE Sports nominee for the Super Bowl halftime show.

Can I ask you a favor? I need to borrow some money. It's not for charity per se, and I'm not late on rent, but I promise it's not for kombucha and floral dresses. I need the money so I can play the Super Bowl halftime show. Yes, me, Lindsey Adler.

You see, the NFL is trying to get music artists who want to perform during the Super Bowl halftime show to pay them. This really shouldn't come as much of a surprise to anyone familiar with how they're treating Minneapolis, the host city. The short version is that commissioner Roger Goodell has his pasty, iron fist around any potential source of revenue, and one of his possible halftime show targets is cultural appropriation all-star Katy Perry.

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The real shocker here is that any discerning human come 2015 would listen to Katy, let alone during the biggest (blood)sporting event of the year. I mean, fuck, if the NFL wants to steal the profits of an entertainer, they should at least ensure the entertainer is… entertaining. Look, I'm not saying I have any musical talent—in fact I have zero!—but I was named after a member of Fleetwood Mac and, again, I am not Katy Perry.

Even if you set aside my very serious cred, I'm still a practical replacement for Katy. We both have dark hair with blunt bangs, we're both California Girls, and we've both managed to overcome a long history of troubled affairs with men who have Muppet hair. I'm like a mirror of Katy's most prominent traits, excluding the serial racism by way of music video shtick. Plus, I actually, y'know, care about football. In donating to my Most Worthy Cause, you'll help me edge out poser-ass fools like Katy and maintain the sanctity of the NFL's craven cash-grab.

What's more, I've never even been to a Super Bowl, which seems unjust considering my team has been six times and won five of them. A couple years ago, my dad did half-seriously ask if I wanted to fly to New Orleans to watch the Niners play the Ravens, but I chickened out and told him I'd rather be around San Franciscans. Turns out I made the right call because that would have been a multi-thousand dollar day just to end up sobbing in Louisiana. However, things have changed in the time since Niners fans assumed the team would find its way back to the promised land.

This upcoming season is make or break for the Niners and their Super Bowl dreams: There are aging vets, expiring contracts, and a vicious NFC West. My team clearly needs me and I am willing to make the sacrifice and go to Minneapolis. But I can't make it happen on my own, I need your help. I've already got the badass gold jacket, all I need is an in. You, dear reader, are my in.

So, on behalf of the entire VICE Sports team, please consider donating to this very important cause.

Follow Lindsey Adler on Twitter.