FYI.

This story is over 5 years old.

Sports

Champions League Draw Gods Look Favorably on Premier League

But great expectations are England's worst friend.

The official result of the #UCLdraw pic.twitter.com/Il4iQoqdLU
— Champions League (@ChampionsLeague) August 27, 2015

You can look at draw ceremonies in one of two ways. The first is to see them as a dry, production-less exhibition of soccer's most prominent cardboard-flavored personalities, yielding information easily read on an Excel table. For those of you pleased with just that, there is a nicer-looking table above. You may go now.

Advertisement

For everyone else, draws are a large-scale bingo game run by the sociopaths and clowns of the sport, who roll out death sentences and pardons to the biggest teams in the world. In this iteration, Premier League sides in particular—after an unequivocal English sweep in the round of 16 of the 2014-2015 Champions League season—were hoping to find some traction in a lucky draw. Nearly all of them found a paved path but, as it goes with English football, expectations can be damning.

Here are some of the draw's highlights—both English and not—as told in tweets:

GROUP A

@ChampionsLeague Kuradan sonra biz pic.twitter.com/dNKOzUajkk
— Zlatan Ibrahimović (@Ibra_oficiaI) August 27, 2015

Zlatan's ego is feeling chill about PSG's chances with Real Madrid, Shakhtar Donetsk, and Malmö, but a Ronaldo-Ibrahimovic matchup offers some pretty heated competition. Easily the best thing we've seen since this.

GROUP B

Great games coming up against Eindhoven, Moscow and Wolfsburg! #UCLdraw #mufc
— Basti Schweinsteiger (@BSchweinsteiger) August 27, 2015

If anyone should feel chill about their matchup, it's Basti. A piece of German chocolate cake (which he can grab when playing Wolfsburg in his home country, too).

GROUP C

Atletico are unbeaten in four fixtures against Galatasaray, winning two games - both away from home - and drawing the other two. #UCLdraw
— Champions League (@ChampionsLeague) August 27, 2015

Advertisement

Even the official Champions League Twitter account knows what's about to go down in Group C. Kind of a stone-cold dis against Galatasaray, if you ask me. This one looks like a race between Benefica and Galatasaray for second.

GROUP D

Man City even had empty seats at the champions league draw pic.twitter.com/2iwLxVFi2e
— Agent_EdWoodward (@woodward_manutd) August 27, 2015

There's probably a reason fools either ducked out or ran away early. Man City found themselves in the group of death here. Sevilla is nothing to shake a stick at. Oh, and Juventus? Yeah, you might remember them from being runners up last season.

GROUP E

Barcelona fans right now pic.twitter.com/WFuXSkolGf
— Football Stuff (@FootbalIStuff) August 27, 2015

Well, yeah. The award ceremonies were a sideshow: everyone knew it would be Messi. As for the future of Barça in the Champions League, it's looking pretty bright. ESPN's Soccer Power Index puts them at a 90.1 percent chance of wining the group, and a 98.7 percent chance of advancing. But Bayer and Roma have been making a good showing lately, despite Roma's bonkers transfer window situation. So its a tossup between them for No. 2.

GROUP F

Arsene Wenger, when he saw he will play against Bayern in UCL group stagepic.twitter.com/2GudUPLvnf
— Troll Football (@Troll__Football) August 27, 2015

This is going to be priceless. Arsenal to face Bayern Munich is classic, classic Champions League. After eliminating Arsenal from two of the last three seasons, it's not a great look for the Gunners. Nevertheless, Olympiacos and Dinamo Zagreb shouldn't pose too much of a threat, so expect to see yet another Premier League team advance—that is, if Giroud continues to carry his team.

Advertisement

GROUP G

Chelsea fans loving their group #UCLdraw pic.twitter.com/xnEWAROLaM
— Copa90 (@Copa90) August 27, 2015

It looks like another Premier League easy in. Despite a freezing trip to the Ukraine in the wintertime, Chelsea should have this on lock. Porto might give them some trouble, but the most interesting part about that matchup is Jose Mourinho vs. Iker Casillas. Awkward.

GROUP H

Group H: "Group of Dearth" https://t.co/agWd7DCKMW
— Danny Page (@DannyPage) August 27, 2015

Champions League draw, crunched. pic.twitter.com/LoVMKcxBgO
— sportingintelligence (@sportingintel) August 27, 2015

All in all, a total snoozer in Group H, but there's something to be said for an underdog. Particularly when a whole group is an underdog, which will necessitate a matchup with a bigger name in the knockout rounds. Imagine first-time Belgian champion Gent taking on Real Madrid. Might be fun.