This article originally appeared on VICE Canada
It is a cold, hard fact that the Internet journalism economy is built on the three pillars of cat videos, hot contrarian takes and ridiculously long pop culture retrospectives timed to the anniversaries of movie, TV and albums' release dates.
With 2017 just beginning we thought we'd put together this handy guide for all the articles you'll see on your Facebook timeline throughout the year, so that you'll be able to adjust your expectations accordingly. (If we missed something, don't freak out, just write your own goddamn story.)
10th Anniversary of the iPhone
Some prick is going to write 'Here's Why the Original iPhone was the only good iPhone' for Slate.
20th anniversary of Dennis Rodman kicking a cameraman in the nuts during a game
Before he was an unofficial ambassador to North Korea, Rodman was also a terror on the court.
25th Anniversary of Guns N' Roses 'November Rain' Video
It's hard to overstate how important this video—at the time the most expensive/ridiculous music video ever made—was to 14-year-old boys in 1992. 25 years later, we are still confused about the 'plot.'' We eagerly anticipate Chuck Klosterman's 10,000 word essay for AV Club.
10th Anniversary of Prince's Super Bowl performance aka pretty much the only good Super Bowl Performance
This one still hurts.
10th Anniversary of Britney Spears Shaving her Head
Remember when it seemed that Britney would win the Justin-Britney breakup?
25 years since Kriss Kross released the video for "Jump."
You know, that brief period in time when everyone started wearing their clothes backwards because fashion.
50th anniversary of Mr. Dressup's debut
Still the only good CBC show that's not The Kids in the Hall.
25th anniversary of Tiger Woods' PGA debut
He was only 16. What the fuck were you doing at 16?
25th anniversary of comedian Bill Hicks' breakthrough album Relentless
"I have never heard one reason that rang true why marijuana is against the law… I mean marijuana grows everywhere, serves a thousand different functions—all of them positive. To make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a mistake." Bill was a visionary and don't fucking forget it for a second. RIP.
10th Anniversary of LCD Soundsystem Sound of Silver
What happens when nostalgia-obsessed art becomes nostalgia? We'll find out soon, Brooklyn!
20th anniversary of the death of Biggie
Notorious B.I.G., aka Christopher Wallace, was gunned down in his SUV while leaving the Soul Train Music Awards in LA. He was only 24 years old. His killer was never caught. We highly recommend this gets the American Crime Story treatment.
25th anniversary of Body Count's Cop Killer album.
Still powerful after all these years, the album is most famous for inciting a massive First Amendment debate and for Ice T eventually being forced to remove the title track due to pressure from his record label.
25th anniversary of Basic Instinct
It's definitely time for a reappraisal of the Hitchcockian brilliance of this film (see also: Adam Nayman's appreciation of Verhoeven's Showgirls)
25th anniversary White Men Can't Jump
Though, Grantland already did the definitive oral history. RIP, Grantland.
10th anniversary of New York Times Magazine 's epic Arcade fire profile Pegged to the release of Neon Bible and how amazing Montreal is for creative indie types, it has spawned countless stories during the past decade about Montreal being a creative hotspot in Canada.
20th anniversary of the premiere of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on TV
As if the world needs a reason for any more Buffy thinkpieces. (Counterpoint: yes, it does.)
30th anniversary of the album Joshua Tree
This was the easiest part of the research for this article. Thanks U2!
20 years since Ellen DeGeneres' "Yep, I'm gay"
In an iconic Time Magazine cover story, a memorable Oprah Winfrey Show appearance, and "The Puppy Episode" of her popular sitcom Ellen, DeGeneres announced to the world she is a lesbian.
25th anniversary of Metallica releasing the video for "Nothing Else Matters"
AKA the moment when Metallica officially "sold out."
25th Anniversary of Beethoven (the movie)
25th Anniversary of the First NHL Players' Strike
It lasted 10 days and it was so horrific we knew that there would never be another NHL work stoppage again.
25 years since the LA riots
Following acquittal of the four police officers accused of brutally beating a black man named Rodney King (which was caught on videotape and widely circulated), rioting and looting began in South Central LA (as it was called at the time). During the six days, thousands were injured and 55 killed, with damages estimated at $1 billion.
10th anniversary of Tay Zonday's "Chocolate Rain"
111 million views and counting.
25th Anniversary of Wolfenstein 3D
It's never been more relevant than now.
50th anniversary of Jimi Hendrix's Are You Experienced
Get ready for a battle of the cover stories between Guitar Aficionado and Guitar World.
40th anniversary of Star Wars
Nerds are going to go all out this year celebrating something that came out an even longer time ago in a galaxy that's more frequently being recreated for immense profits. May the 4th be with you indeed. Faaaaaaack, sorry.
25th Anniversary of Billy Ray Cyrus' debut album Some Gave All
Yes, the one with "Achey Breaky Heart."
20th anniversary of Mike Tyson biting a part of Evander Holyfield's ear off in the ring
Later that year, Tyson evaded four years of jail time for cocaine possession, being sentenced to a mere 24 hours plus probation. So, all in all, a pretty solid year for Iron Mike.
50th anniversary of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band by The Beatles
This might be one of the last chances for boomers to brag about how their generation created the greatest pop music the world has ever seen—before they are all long gone.
Radiohead's OK Computer turns 20
Radiohead is officially classic rock now.
10th anniversary of the end of The Sopranos
Spoiler alert, Tony totally…
15th anniversary of the debut of The Wire
As if that dude lurking near the keg at every party you've ever been to needs another reason to talk about how this was the greatest show on TV.
10th anniversary of Flight of the Conchords' HBO Show
Between Peter Jackson and these guys, New Zealand was almost relevant for a while there in the mid-2000s.
20th Anniversary of Limp Bizkit's debut album Three Dollar Bill, Y'all$
I can't wait for someone to attempt to over-intellectualize the importance of "Stink Finger" on the 21st Century.
20th anniversary of the all-female Lilith Fair's debut
Sarah McLachlan ruled and fuck you if you think otherwise.
20th anniversary of Stargate SG-1's debut
Remember when Sci-Fi fans only had Stargate, Babylon Five and Star Trek: Voyager to argue over? How did we survive the late 90s?
25th Anniversary of Mortal Kombat (the Game)
'The Oral History Behind Why It Is Spelled Kombat, Not Combat.' I'd read that.
20th anniversary of the premiere of South Park
Shit. Really? OK, now I feel old.
25th Anniversary of The Larry Sanders Show HBO Debut
"How Larry Sanders Built HBO into the Cable Giant It Is Today." There you go, free headline for you there, freelance culture writers.
25th Anniversary of Unforgiven
Didn't it feel like Clint Eastwood was a really, really old man when this was made?
10th Anniversary of Bioshock
Maybe even more relevant than Wolfenstein in our current political climate.
The 25th Anniversary of the 1992 MTV Awards AKA the One Where Kurt Cobain and Axl Rose Nearly Killed Each Other
Very curious if anyone will let Steve Hyden write a book on this defining cultural event of the early 90s.
10 years since Carly Rae Jepsen was eliminated from Canadian Idol
Four years later, after meeting the devil at the crossroads and making a deal for her eternal soul, she would resurface with the catchiest earworm in the history of the universe, "Call Me Maybe." Totally worth it.
10-year anniversary of Kanye's Graduation
Hands up if you thought Kanye would still be the biggest rap artist in the world 10 years later.
20 years since Princess Diana was killed in a car crash fleeing from paparazzi
Celebrity culture is no less insane. Apparently no one learned anything from this.
10th anniversary of Feist's "1234" iPod Nano commercial
At least one of those three things is still amazing.
20th anniversary of debut of Ally McBeal
That dancing baby is still creepy as hell.
25th Anniversary of Batman: The Animated Series
Better than Christopher Nolan's trilogy, tbh.
50th anniversary of The Prisoner
Hey, it's the original thing JJ Abrams remade as his own.
25th Anniversary of the Toronto Blue Jays winning their first World Series
Aka the last time I felt joy.
10th anniversary of Radiohead surprise-releasing In Rainbows and effectively giving it away for free
Radiohead created a revolution in fanfare-free album releases and thwarted illegal downloaders by not bothering to worry about making money off of digital music releases (unless anyone picked their own price that was more than £0.00).
10th anniversary of Drake (aka, Aubrey Graham, aka Jimmy Brooks) dropping his verse to "Tell Me Lies" on TV
The one when he saves Ashley from a bombing set by joining her on stage for the part of the song he wrote with her but she had deleted. Started from the bottom indeed.
10th anniversary of Keeping Up with the Kardashians
Kim, Kourtney, Khloe and Kris literally redefined the world of reality television and spawned an entire universe of copycat shows, brands and gym bodies. No one thought the series would get renewed for a second season, let alone have a decade's worth of staying power. Ten years later, a new generation has picked up where the older three left off, gifting us Kendall and Kylie. Here's to another 10.
One-Year Anniversary of Supreme Commander Donald Trump Winning the Election in a Landslide
All hail the Golden Lord!
20th anniversary of Shania Twain releasing Come on Over
Remember when Shania was the biggest country music star in the universe? Timmins represent!
20th anniversary of Tenacious D's HBO Series
It wasn't the first web series but it sure looked like one.
10th anniversary of R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet DVD release
The first 21 episodes in one place.
50th anniversary of Guess Who's Coming to Dinner / The Graduate
Can't wait to read another piece about how important the 1960s were!
20th Anniversary of Titanic
Rose totally had room for Jack on that plank. What an asshole.
25th Anniversary of Dr. Dre's The Chronic
Whatever happened to Dre?
Lead illustration via Joe Frontel.