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Can We Stop Worshipping Cats, Because They're Evil as Hell

Can we please end the charade? The Internet will thank you.

January 31, 2013, 8:10pm

Twitter's new Vine service is rad, but it hadn't fully arrived until now. Yes, Vinecats.com has arrived, as signals that Vine has been fully accepted by the internet because it can finally trade in pawwdorable clips in the Cat Economy. Absolutely no one is surprised by Vinecats release (it does look nice), and the savvy Internet folks are starting to tire of the Put a cat on it! clickwhoring trope, and yet those same people are LOVING THAT SHIT like it's the second coming of the Dancing Baby.

Look, I'm chill with cats for the most part (Sir Abner is my phone's wallpaper), but it's time we stop pretending that a housecat is some amazingly adorable thing that makes the world better and thus we should fill every corner of the internet with it. Let me be clear: Cats are evil, and here are twelve links explaining why. For those of you who refuse to open your eyes to the real world, enjoy the cat vines instead.

1. Cats harbor parasites that control our brains

#cats vine.co/v/b1ZBrjLZqzx

— Alexander Horré (@alexhorre) January 31, 2013

2. That parasite can kill or blind a baby

Are you going to give me your water or what? #cats #pets vine.co/v/b17l53YdJxp

— Tamre (@tamremullins) January 31, 2013

3. Stray cats in the US will kill billions of wild animals this year

Aww! My #scottishfold #cat with a Pumpkin. #kawaii #baby #pets #cats #cute vine.co/v/b1703amKxOi

— La Carmina (@lacarmina) January 31, 2013

4. The 600 million housecats worldwide are responsible for numerous mammal, reptile, and bird extinctions

Melancholy… And confused #cats vine.co/v/b17pImYgn1M

— Chavez (@SantiagoChavz) January 31, 2013

5. Cats Made Ted Nugent relevant

Catt is a majestically melancholy kitteh. Because #cats vine.co/v/b17dlvBb9w9

— Chavez (@SantiagoChavz) January 31, 2013

6. Cats Are reported rabid more than any other domesticated animal in the US

Marbles gets inspiration from cultural critic Carlos Mandelbaum vine.co/v/bJ0B329AvLV #cats #philosphy #spirituality

— Carlos Mandelbaum (@cmandelbaum) January 31, 2013

7. Cats have turned youtube into shit

Trying out this new video app #vine, add me? #scottishfold #cat #cute #cats #pets #baby vine.co/v/b17gIXbzwYQ

— La Carmina (@lacarmina) January 31, 2013

8. Cats and their brain parasites have convinced us they own the web, when dogs are actually more popular

Marbles The Transgender Cat finds #porn embarrassing vine.co/v/bJ2PitnhmTd #cats #sex #vineapp cats

— Carlos Mandelbaum (@cmandelbaum) January 31, 2013

9. When used as performance art, they distract from the sordid politics of drone use

Soft exterior and interior. This cat is pathetic. #petsofvine #pets #catsofvine #cats #petsinbed vine.co/v/b1aVbzg7TLA

— Kayley Heeringa (@SidewalkReady) January 31, 2013

10. They play with corpses, and like it

Jasmine's first glimpse at Paint for #Cats vine.co/v/b1WOIWFYpH7

— Angela Bowman (@angelabdotme) January 31, 2013

11. Y our cat leaves its poop on display just to insult you

Catnip bliss #cats #pets vine.co/v/b1WrKuBu3ue

— mirrorgirl (@fancyghost) January 31, 2013

12. They straight-up don't like how you smell, and think that they own you

Saki doesn't care about the camera. #cats vine.co/v/b1anWVMMD0q

— Austin (@AustinXC04) January 31, 2013

There you have it. Cats are evil as shit. Can we please end the charade? The Internet will thank you.

@derektmead

Tagged:TwittercatsEvilTechMotherboard