Ooh, Ooh, Ooooh, Ooooooof!

Compiled by VICE Staff


Rubbing yourself up against a dink or a giner is good for having an orgasm, but all too often these organs of pleasure are attached to a human being who may end up causing you trouble, strife, or, worst of all, LOSS OF MONEY.

In this time of economic world downfall, many are opting out of sex with other people, preferring instead to pleasure themselves using a technique known as “masturbating,” “jerking off,” or “onanizin’.” It’s normal for both men and women to use their hands or store-bought “dildos, “Rabbits,” or “anal ass-destroyer ass exploders” to practice masturbation, but thriftier, smarter people are looking back to their early teenage years, when household implements were utilized as objects of erotic stimulation, often in the woods behind the school playing field or their grandparents’ bathroom as Gramps snored noisily in front of Murder, She Wrote.

Keen to investigate these methods, we conducted a transatlantic scientific experiment to deduce whether the technology employed in teenage sexual explorations is effective enough to render future human copulation redundant.

The three criteria were:
1. Goodness of feel
2. Difficulty of use/assembly/cleanup
3. General skeeze factor

We now present you with our findings.


SUBJECT A: KARLEY SCIORTINO, GIRL

CAT’S TONGUE
Back when I was 14, I awoke from a nude midafternoon nap with my dog licking my vagina. And I may or may not have let her go at it for a few seconds before swatting her away. Unfortunately, I wasn’t hardcore enough to try this again. My friend Hannah, however, loves letting her cat lick her pussy. She swears that receiving cunnilingus from an animal is way better than from any man tongue. I think her exact words were, “It’s like oohhhmygodooohhmmyyygooooood good.” And despite what you may have heard, cat tongue actually feels way better than dog tongue because of its rough, sandpaperlike texture. This picture is a bit shit, but try getting your cat to pose for a photo five minutes after you’ve just tricked it into licking your vagina. Whoops, I mean my friend’s vagina.

Goodness of feeling: 10/10
Difficulty: It’s easier to toilet-train your cat, like Charles Mingus did.
Skeeze factor: Through the roof and probably illegal. Actually, wait—is oral sex with a cute fluffy pussycat illegal? It should be.
SHOWERHEAD
I am a firm believer that the showerhead is God’s gift to women. In fact, my love for the showerhead is so strong that I now associate taking a shower more with coming than I do with cleaning myself. It’s perfect. It’s self-lubricating, it never sneakily tries to put itself in your ass, and it leaves you feeling clean, as opposed to sticky and smelling like discharge. Masturbating with a showerhead is so good that I even sexy dreams about it. Instead of being pummeled by Jamie Bell, I’m having an intimate moment in a Roman bath with a beautifully crafted, antique showerhead. It’s so romantic.

Goodness of feeling: 9/10.
Difficulty: Are you kidding?
Skeeze factor: This is a perfectly guilt-free, sanitary way of a pre-going-to-work frig.
A CUCUMBER
Anyone who says she’s never stuck food up her vagina is just a fucking liar. Back in high school, girls used carrots. Now that I’m a bit older and my flesh cave has stretched out to the point that it’s verging on baggy, I have moved on from slim-fit to super-plus tampons and use cucumbers rather than carrots. (If you make it to eggplant, you’ve gone too far.) Fucking yourself with a cucumber feels OK but not amazing. You definitely have to cover it in some form of lube first, otherwise it’s painful. But still, there’s no clitoral stimulation, which is shitty. This is why I don’t understand dildos. If it doesn’t vibrate and your clit isn’t getting any action, it’s pointless to me. Gash-tly, even. Get it?

Goodness of feel: 3/10.
Difficulty: Cinchy.
Skeeze factor: I thought about cleaning it off and putting it back in the fridge for about five minutes but decided against it. It was really embarrassing when my roommate asked me why I’d thrown away a perfectly good cucumber.
VIBRATING TOOTHBRUSH
Alongside shampoo bottles and highlighters, the electric toothbrush and its slightly girthier cousin the Squiggle Pen are on the front lines of teenage ladies’ ongoing war with their vaginas. Here’s what Karley had to say: Anything that vibrates feels good on your clit: a washing machine, a vibrating bus seat, or Michael J. Fox. This vibrating electronic toothbrush belongs to my roommate Dale. He doesn’t know I borrowed it. But if you’re like me and you’re too poor to afford the Rabbit, a vibrating toothbrush will do the job. In terms of vibrating potential, this toothbrush was a bit of a wuss and I took 20 minutes to “climax,” which was pretty boring and quite painful on the old clit.

Goodness of feel: 4/10
Difficulty: Basically what it’s made for.
Skeeze factor: Beyond the soreness and boredom, this was an entirely pedestrian wank.
BB GUN
I knew a goth girl who was into having her boyfriend fuck her with a BB gun that was modeled on the design of a Sig Sauer. She was also into cutting her arms open whenever she got stressed, but on the whole she was OK. Fucking myself with a BB gun was my tribute to her. I guess it was OK for the sheer novelty of it, but it didn’t actually feel the greatest. It was sort of sharp, slightly painful even. But the idea of being fucked with a gun was such a turn-on that I came more from the rush of adrenaline I got than I did from actual stimulation. It also helped to imagine that it was Bruce Willis doing the defiling. Fantasizing about his big strong arms and shiny bald head never fails to send me to Pleasure Town, so that really helped push me over the edge.

Goodness of feel: 3/10.
Difficulty: Getting it in there’s a little rough, but the rest is a breeze.
Skeeze factor: Both nasty and weird.
A BLANKET
I read about this technique on the internet. You basically just hold a blanket between your legs and pull it back and forth as you rock your pelvis slowly up and down against it. You can do it naked or with underwear, but I found it’s better with underwear because it allows you to rub harder and faster. It’s also a pretty good workout for your arms.

Goodness of feeling: 8/10.
Difficulty: You’re already doing it.
Skeeze factor: Depends on how many times you use your blanket in this fashion between washes.

SUBJECT B: BILLY HAHN, GUY
Seeing as God already created the world’s most effective male sex toy when he came up with the hand, the guy portion of this experiment took busting a nut as a given and focused on the effectiveness of each device at providing our tester Billy with a full, sensual masturbatorial experience. OK, now that we’ve got all the shudders out of the way, let’s begin…

BALONEY SOFA
This is a take on a classic couch-cushion fifi. You take your sofa’s natural crevice and line its sides with slices of supermarket-grade baloney. You can make a serviceable vagina out of two slices (one if you’re extreeeeemely careful), but we chose to go the deluxe route and fashion some labia out of a folded-up third piece for added whateverness. Here’s Billy’s assessment: I was a little nervous and I dove right in without really considering how it was going to work. It definitely felt like a vagina—I think the folded business is what made it.The only problem was that I kept thinking about how my mother used to make me baloney sandwiches when I was little. That sort of killed the mood.

Goodness of feel: 8/10
Difficulty: Setting up the meat shouldn’t take any more than a minute, but disposing of it when you’re done and cleaning all the baloney slime off the cushions is a pain in the ass.
Skeeze factor: High. Baloney is universally agreed-on as the least classy meat in existence. The fact that we also combined it with the least classy style of couch (black leather) pushed the ickiness off the charts.
SANDWICH BAG FILLED WITH HAND LOTION
Aka the poor man’s fleshlight. The slightly more upscale option for pubescent guys is to squirt a dollop of soap into a condom and jerk off with that, but when I tried it the condom just kept slipping off and having to be reattached. Maybe all those creepy middle school kids who’d buy Magnums on class trips and keep them in their backpacks were onto something. The sandwich bag, on the other hand, worked like a dream. There are two schools of thought with how much lotion you’re supposed to use. I went with an excess of lotion instead of simply lining the bag, so it was more like fucking a puddle of lube than a thin plastic vagina. I could see myself going back to this one every so often for a quick yank, but only as long as someone else is buying the lotion. That stuff costs money.

Goodness of feel: 6-9/10—depending on the ratio of bag to lotion.
Difficulty: Easy setup and cleanup, plus half the supplies should already be in the bathroom.
Skeeze factor: None. Unless your mom starts asking who’s been using all her nice lotion.
BAGUETTE WITH JELLY
I was a little suspicious of this one. Using food for sex is one thing, but who’s going to put their dick in an entire loaf of bread? Some French guy, evidently. In the spirit of international reconciliation, I broke a baguette in half, dug out a divot for my guy, and made myself a little personal sandwich with some blueberry jam. The initial plan was to burrow my dick into the end of the loaf, but unless you make the hole really wide (at which point it’s useless), the crust will scratch the shit out of your shaft. Even just doing the innards without jelly was a little too rough for my liking, but with the jam it was sweet. Sensation-wise, the bread and jelly was pretty similar to the lotion bag but a lot messier. I think this would be more of a lazy-afternoon-type option versus a simple jack session. I mean, you’re getting down and dirty in the bread and the jam—you don’t want to bust off in a couple minutes. You’re gonna want to chill in the jam.

Goodness of feel: 7/10.
Difficulty: Time-consuming and messy, but easier to hold than the sandwich bag.
Skeeze factor: None, really. You’re just fuckin’ some bread is all. [shrug]
MATTRESS WITH A HOLE CUT IN THE MIDDLE AND FILLED WITH VASELINE
Every girl I told about this one responded with, “What? That’s totally bullshit.” But every boy who went to a boarding school or sleepaway camp was like, “Oh yeah. Just like [first and last name of kid in their hall/cabin who did it].” The mattress was by far the most “erotic” of the devices, ’cause I envisioned myself in a class-trip bunk-bed scenario trying to get away with something naughty, and I was really feeling that. Also, if you picture a girl under you it feels the most like you’re actually having sex. Or at least porking a pretty good blow-up doll.

Goodness of feel: 10/10.
Difficulty: Cutting through the mattress and the plastic netting over the spring box is extremely hard (you’ve also got to position it so that your dick doesn’t get impaled on the end of a spring), and the second you apply the Vaseline there is no way to get it out. Only worth it if you’re going to be using the same bed for a full semester.
Skeeze factor: Moderate, but that’s part of the charm.
SHOP VAC
I have never used a shop vac to jerk off, but one time in high school I was vacuuming my dad’s car mats and my sister came out to sunbathe and right as I saw her, the nozzle sucked itself to my crotch. So me and it have a weird history. Fucking a shop vac is one of those things that makes sense when you say it out loud, but not so much when you really think about it. I mean, what are you going to do? Stuff your whole package in there, balls and everything? I was sketched out about putting my wang into a bunch of cobwebs so I tried it over my underwear and I think that’s a good way of doing it. It muffles the suction a little so you can move it around. I liked it, but it was more of a lengthy-tease sort of deal than a cause-me-to-ejaculate one.

Goodness of feel: 5/10—an acquired taste.
Difficulty: Easy to use but hard to come.
Skeeze factor: Not bad on its own, but how bad would it be if someone found out? You’d be that guy.
SHOELACE COCKNOOSE
The final device we tested was the dark horse of both the experiment and our credulity. Apparently some middle school romantic that John Sharkey from Clockcleaner knew would tie a noose around his 12-year-old wiener beneath his pants and then tug it up and down under his desk during class. We were skeptical, but somehow—against all odds—Billy made it happen: I would never have come up with this in a million years, but honestly, it worked pretty good. It was a lot like wearing a cock ring. I’m assuming the kid who pioneered this was either doing it prepuberty or in Umbros, otherwise you’d have to really psych yourself into creaming your pants in class. Aside from that, it’s definitely a discreet way of getting off.

Goodness of feel: 5/10—straddles the line between pleasant and slightly painful.
Difficulty: It takes a little practice to get the motion right. Once you’ve got the hang of it, though, the world’s your jack shack.
Skeeze factor: So, so high. If you’re rocking the cock-noose, you are basically the teenage Max Crumb.