Don't you hate it when you're watching TV and find yourself thinking, "This would translate so well as a line of novelty sex toys," but you know it'll never happen? Well, society has finally progressed to a place where this universal dream we've all definitely shared can be a reality. On August 9, Comedy Central's Broad City became the first show in television history to release a line of sex toys, partnering with the sex toy retailer Lovehoney. The partnership, while unusual, makes sense: The show, created by Abbi Jacobson and Ilana Glazer, continues to offer uniquely progressive and nuanced depictions of female sexuality on television, making space for pleasure and humor and uneasiness. (They're now joined by Insecure, and I'm eagerly awaiting that sex toy line.)
The brightly colored new line includes a wide array of both discreet and visibly-a-dick vibrators of various shapes and sizes. Some of the styles included in the line-up include: lipstick, love egg, rabbit, g-spot and mini wand. There's also a vibrating cock ring, kegel balls, butt plugs, and more masturbation eggs than you could have ever dreamed of or had nightmares about. The collab also gave birth to the Pegasus Pegging Kit—called "Peg Like a Queen"—which references Jacobson's pegging scene with her hot but ultimately lame neighbor Jeremy.
Because I care about this nation, as well as the free flow of scientific information, I spent the better portion of the last week testing every single toy in the line, cancelling plans, and forgetting to eat vegetables.
Here are my takeaways.
In the Mood (Lipstick Vibrator, $19.99)
Aside from the words "
~ In the Mood ~" and "Broad City" written in bright yellow script on the cap, this sleek black "lipstick" is almost impossible to ID as a vibrator. So if you're looking to get off in a place masturbation is discouraged—say, the corner table at McDonalds or the bathroom of a hookup with performance anxiety—this is a better option than one of the big, intimidating penis-shaped vibrators. However, the buzzing is fairly loud, so if being discreet is what you're after, consider the toilet row on a Megabus. No one will bother you there.
Note: When I say the buzzing is fairly loud, I mean it woke me up mid-nap (it turned itself on while in a box on the other side of my room) and I thought construction workers were sawing open the apartment above me.
Nature's Pocket (Kegel Balls, $29.99)
I've never used Kegel balls before because out of all the ways society has perpetuated and profited off my insecurities (I just spent $100 on contouring tools in hopes of crafting myself a whole new face), I've never felt insecure about my vagina not being sufficiently toned.
Here's how Nature's Pocket works: You stuff the two lubed-up, weighted balls, which are attached together by a silicone cord, up inside you. Then you wear them around for 15 or so minutes, which tones (and theoretically feels arousing), then you yank them out by the cord whenever you want.
Of course, there's that classic Broad City twist, which is the fact you can pack the balls with weed, fruit snacks, or anything else you feel compelled to hide in your vagina. While the balls felt fine in there, I don't know if I'll wear them again; I'm still trying to incorporate squats into my lifestyle, I don't have time or energy for another thing. But I'm giving these balls a high grade for drug-hiding ingenuity.
Tuesday 7am (Classic Vibrator, $16.99)
Growing up, I never thought I'd see myself represented in a vibrator: that is, a device designed expressly for morning masturbators. The super-simple clit-stimulator has an "easy twist base operation for relaxed or half-awake solo play" and a "tapered tip to respect your clit and mind your vagina," so it's foolproof. The Tuesday 7 a.m. is perfectly suited to someone new to the Vibrator World who is intimidated by products with high-tech features. The vibrations aren't super strong, either, so it's very kind on the clit (but may not be enough for people who crave a more vigorous buzz.)
Ass of an Angel (Silicone Butt Plug, $39.99)
The texture is super smooth, and I love the minimalist striped design. I would wear this as a t-shirt, I thought, before remembering it had to go inside my butt, as part of my trade. As you may remember, I tried to get pumped about butt stuff once before, and a vibrating plug only felt fine to me, so I suspected a stationary one would feel less like a tolerable massage and more like a chic product chilling inside of my ass. My suspicions proved correct. However, if you know you like chic products chilling inside of your ass, this silky smooth, 5-inch circumference, 5-inch-length plug will fit your needs perfectly.
Respect Your Dick (Vibrating Love Ring, $26.99)
The stretchy, silicone vibrating cock ring is designed to fit snuggly around a penis and balls, helping harden and prolong an erection. Attached to the top of the ring is a vibrating bullet to hit a partner's clit. I find the product to be a bit busy; in my experiences, toys designed to enhance sex with a partner should be super simple, so as not to end up distracting and disappointing.
Yas Kween (10-Function Bullet, $21.99)
This is an excellent but barebones vibrator for easy-orgasming clitoris-havers who don't think they'd be distracted by the "YAS KWEEN" written on it.
Ride the Rocket (Rocket Vibrator, $26.99)
With four "interchangeable heads to hit your bits," this tiny clitoral vibrator has three speeds, four patterns of vibrations, and four different attachable heads (smooth, spiked, bobbled, prickled head) with which to please you. I love reliable, discreet little vibrators you can throw into your briefcase on your way to close deals, so I'll definitely keep this on my person, but I wish the attachable heads were made of a softer, gentler material, not shampoo bottle cap plastic. But it gets the job done.
Precious Package (Love Egg Vibrator, $24.99)
This product is cute because your partner can control the egg's vibrations from a mini remote control; unfortunately, the wire attaching the remote to the egg prevents you from getting your partner off from the other room or the fruit snacks section of the supermarket, which is my kink. If you're intrigued by this remote-control business but don't want to spend hundreds of dollars on a wireless one, though, Precious Package is a solid option.
Dr. Wiz (Mini Wand Vibrator, $44.99)
YASSSSSSS KWEEN. This is my favorite toy in the line. I love the wand shape; it gives you maximum control over where the super-powerful buzzy part hits you, and it just feels so, so dope. (This toy is also quieter than a lot of the others.)
Boss Bitch (G-Spot Vibrator, $69.99)
I will wait for Hannibal Burress forever, but until he finds me, I maintain my position that dicks and the people who wear them are replaceable and outsource-able. The shape of this is one is…really good. The vibrator has a motor at the curved head of the shaft and one at the top of the shaft, offering a bit of clitoral stimulation as well.
Man on a Mission (Masturbation Egg)
Despite being a massive fan of both eggs and masturbation, I'd never used a masturbation egg before, she typed, before looking closer at the package and realizing they're meant for dicks. While I'm anatomically incapable of trying this one, I'll give this to the next person I go on a date with and ask him to report back.
Mind My Vagina (Lubricant , $12.99)
This smooth, water-based lube lasts a very long time. I require long-lasting lube because sometimes I last a very long time. All the toys benefit from a healthy squirt of it.
Pegasus (Pegging Kit, $89.99)
I'm not trying this one because I don't want to peg! Don't hate me. But I'll give you all the juicy details: The kit comes with briefs, a 7-inch silicone dildo, and a bullet vibrator. The briefs say "peg like a queen" on the butt. If you're interested in pegging your partner, this seems to be as good an entry point (heh) as any. (For what it's worth, all the user reviews on Lovehoney's site give the kit five stars. One comment: "It's a proven great dildo and the panties are a way better (IMO) alternative to traditional harnesses. The main downside is a lack of access to the wearer's genitals, but it's not impossible if you get creative!")