Somewhere in the midst of dedicating the month of October to creating dozens of hours of a podcast about Drake, we had the realization that everyone’s feelings about Drake say far more about them than they do about him. Like all great pop culture subjects, Apple’s favorite Canadian has become this mirror to reflect back all the hopes, dreams, and anxieties of a generation of music listeners—a sort of sing-rapping Id that shows clearly the structures that shape culture, and therefore shape you to.
In Drake, it’s easy to see your own attitudes toward love in the internet era, the damaging effects of toxic masculinity, your own constant feelings of never being enough for your friends and the world around you. Through observing him, you’re forced to take a sober look at yourself. So what do you do when you look in that mirror and see rollerblades? That is the question everyone was forced to confront yesterday when @ChampagnePapi himself uploaded a carefully posed shot from a dark hallway at a skating rink. Do we have feelings about it? Oh buddy, we have 51 feelings.
1. How is the first known picture of Drake on rollerblades?
2. Oh wait, it’s not.
3. Actually, maybe rollerblading is cool now.
4. I’m pretty sure it’s making a comeback because I almost got runover by a guy with a mullet on rollerblades yesterday.
5. “Makes me want to not skate but I'm still going to” - the rollerblading subreddit
6. Wow there is a lot of specialized terminology on the rollerblading subreddit.
7. Why is he blading down a dark hallway? That seems dangerous.
8. The caption says he’s at a roller rink, but that’s clearly some behind-the-veil Twin Peaks liminal space.
9. Is he stuck there?
10. He looks kinda happy, in a puppy in mid-stride kinda way, but I’m still not ruling out that he’s trapped in the Black Lodge.
11. Where are his wristguards?
12. Where are his kneepads?
13. Where is his damn helmet?
14. There are some legitimate safety concerns here.
15. And yet, I’m here for this Brink reboot
16. Or maybe has finally found the biopic role he was born for: Elvis Stojko.
17. Or Blade?
18. Was Blade about rollerblading? I never saw it.
19. Wait has rollerblading just not died out in Canada? Is that what’s going on here? That seems like a thing.
20. For a supposed Canadian, he seems to possess a loose grasp on the spelling of the name of Maple Leafs great Mats Sundin.
21. Tie Domi was pretty cool, he knocked a guy out with a sucker punch to the face one time. It makes sense that Drake thinks he’s an enforcer.
22. Playing hockey with Drake is probably worse than playing basketball with Drake.
23. He’d keep trying to send you over the boards, then try to fight you while still wearing a helmet.
24. And he definitely wears a tinted visor.
25.The psychology of posting this publicly is interesting. What is Drake trying to convey about himself by posting a picture of himself rollerblading?
26. Does Drake run his own Instagram account?
27. Nevermind, of course he does.
28. But he’s definitely used consultants before.
29. There is the issue of talent. Is Drake even good at roller skating?
30. His muscular largesse suggests ‘no.’
31. However something about Drake’s overall vibe tells me he’s light as a feather on the rink.
32. Imagine Drake at a roller disco lmfao
34. Aw, he’s having so much fun.
35. I feel a little bad making light of an activity he so clearly enjoys because most everything else he does seems to make him miserable!
36. Good on Drake for finding a productive, active hobby. We could all be so lucky.
37. But wait, those blades almost certainly cost more than my car don’t they?
38. I take back the nice thing I said. Eat the rich.
39. I wonder what Father John Misty would say if he saw this
40. Speaking of blades, let’s talk about Beyblade.
41. There is a surprising amount of Spanish Beyblade fan fiction.
42. I’ll tell you about it some time but not while I’m at work.
43. Ok fine.
44. This is all took place at Floyd Mayweather’s birthday???
45. That’s upsetting. I forgot they were friends.
46. Floyd definitely has a way of attracting music’s most famous normies to him.
47. I’d prefer it if Drake stayed away from Floyd Mayweather, just like Justin Bieber’s pastor suggests.
48. Annnnnd of course Drake skated around to his own songs.
49. That’s sorta the peril of dominating the pop charts right? You can’t escape the sound of your own voice.
50. But you know Drake loves it.
51. Most importantly, while you were writing blog posts about Drake, I was studying the blades.