Every Popular Song Named after an Alcoholic Drink, Ranked

We’re 25 days into dry January, not that you or any of your voluntarily booze-free friends were counting. It seemed fitting that earlier this week, just as anyone abstaining from booze might have hit that three-weeks-in slump, Jenny Lewis dropped a reminder of what they were missing. On Wednesday, the Rilo Kiley lead vocalist put out solo single “Red Bull & Hennessy,” which frankly sounds disgusting but also like precisely the sort of drink you’d turn to if you were feeling reckless and vulnerable and maybe ready to pull a stranger in a place with a jukebox and/or dartboard.

Though her song struts with Stevie Nicks-style grit, Lewis’ knack for a floaty chorus inevitably makes this blend of sugar, caffeine and brandy actually sound… cute. You know that IRL it would seem less dreamy and more like a mixture of ‘relative who cracks open the cognac then sits alone at Xmas’ and ‘man on a commuter train who, even though it’s barely gone 7.12AM, stinks like cigarettes and raises a Sainsbury’s own-brand energy can to his dry lips repeatedly while staring into the middle distance.’ What we’re really saying is that some drinks are objectively better than others, when you divorce them from the romanticised status they gain from being immortalised in song. Gin and milk, for example: an evocative song title; a horrific real concept. As a service to you and yours, we’ve ranked every contemporary song named after a boozy drink, from most to least appetising in actual taste. Buckle up.

The GOAT. Bourbon is already one of the best spirits, then you hit that up with mint and sugar and you basically have a whiskey mojito??? Nothing to dislike, thank you.

Lovely stuff, sangria. Like a gateway drug to proper wine, for teens (don’t drink underage etc), its addition to seasonal UK bar menus is like a loud blaring klaxon to signal that the temperature has risen above 18C for more than a week.

“Sipping on gin and juice” is exactly what we should all do at parties. Not enough to get messy, but just enough to have a really enthusiastic conversation about You on Netflix. Also the song is obviously a pure bop, so this is ranking highly.

Pints, pints, pints! Yep good.

Sloe gin is like regular gin except it tastes like Ribena and doesn’t make you sad, which is the only thing you need from any drink tbh.

I like bourbon but it’s been ruined for me by the amount of guys walking up to me at parties while I’m drinking Jack Daniel's to say “did you know, Jack Daniel's is actually bourbon?” Yes, and bourbon is a type of whiskey. Let me drink in peace.

Brilliant. Don’t care if you think it’s ‘shit’ and ‘only good for Freshers Week shots.’

Nectar of the gods. Somehow gets you fuzzily drunk yet happy yet also doesn’t destroy you with a hangover (please, don’t for a moment assume those £4 bottles that taste like gone-off balsamic vinegar are relevant here). “Your fave spirit could never.” The song even embodies the loosely winding drunkenness of its namesake.

Like something invented in the fever dream of the kind of woman who is on hugging terms with her yoga teacher, stopped eating wheat in 2009 and only actually drinks sparkling rosé when she plans to fast for the following week. Cardi B never should’ve agreed to be on this track.

Okay yeah, nice. Will often have a few of these of these in a can. Max three though, otherwise your mouth starts to feel like the back of a hedgehog.

Kim Cattrall will never agree to a new Sex and the City but you can still order this one in a hotel bar and pretend. Yes, we know this song isn’t actually about the cocktail.

If you insist on having this combo, don’t do it in this order? It goes beer, bourbon, then scotch. Unless you want to go to sleep or be sick. For that, I’m deducting points.

Has a bad rep, but from what I can remember of the booze dregs at a first-year uni party, White Lightning is as bad as most average ciders. If it had that Kopparberg branding, it could slap.

Ranked highly because of the wonderful genre of YouTube videos explaining how to do this yourself. A bit sweet, but not bad.

With both creme de cacao and milk, this lactose intolerant’s personal nightmare is worth the potential breakout.

Ashamed to say that no member of Noisey staff has ever tasted cherry wine so… we’ll just leave it somewhere in the middle.

A fair enough question to ask yourself, though the answer is probably more like “go home, do your skincare routine and then sleep” if these are the only options you’re considering.

“Cool but bloated for 2019 imo” – anonymous VICE staffer who has, in the past, enjoyed them.

Bit too much like something you’d scroll past on the Instagram account of a former horse girl who now likes to forage.

Too on-the-nose (hehe). It’s not 1982.

Analogous to an absolute prick and their parent: only considered nice by the person who made it.

This cocktail is the wink-smiling emoji made into something you can sip. Its only appeal comes from the fact that ordering it makes you sound as though you’re asking for a shag, which… where is your game? The song itself sounds like the lilting pop-reggae Peter Andre wishes he’d made with “Mysterious Girl.”

Weird how it’s not the amount you’re drinking that necessitates the acceptability, it’s the time you’re drinking at. Beer for lunch? Fine. Beer for breakfast? That’s fucked.

Ranked so low because there are so many types of whiskey, and when the bad ones are horrid, they make you want to die. Really cheap peaty Scotch is agony. Supermarket own-brand Jack Daniel’s rip-offs: agony.

Um, not great on taste but that’s not really the point is it.

Where you’d rank this really depends on how old you are/how long you’ve been drinking. After a certain point, shots are usually a cry for help or a sign that the music’s bad where you are. Approach with caution (the song is, obviously, garbage).

An initial thought was “proper self-annihilation, this,” before we realised that this is essentially what happens at a New Year’s Eve dinner party. Enjoy yourself, and don’t forget to line your stomach.

Straight gin is only for those who like crying or begrudging respect. Putting ice in it doesn’t make it much better.

The last time I drank tequila I mixed it with aloe vera juice (don’t ask, it was the only thing in the house). Then I woke up at exactly sunrise and vommed a million aloe vera pieces onto the floor. Is that what this song is about??

The actual lyric goes “I put gin in my milk / it kills all the germs” which seems like an unruly and frankly unsafe method in which to destroy bacteria. If you can’t afford to buy fresh milk, stop buying so much gin.

This is a hard one to rank because Dr Feelgood could be talking about a White Russian, in which case it obviously belongs at the top, or he could be talking about whole cow’s milk and K cider, in which case no. The title’s too vague. It’s going at the bottom.

Another embarrassment, since we’ve never tasted this. Google says strawberries aren’t ideal to ferment for wine, so this sits low on the list on that basis alone. @noiseymusic if you’ve tasted this and contest that opinion.

Whiskey is sweet enough, Pitbull. Trust you to want to add cinnamon to it you weird man-baby.

When you reach for that open bottle towards the end of the party, wondering who was both decadent and absent-minded enough to leave behind this much champagne, just put the thing down. Flat champagne is abysmal. The fizz accounts for all the fun.

You can find Tshepo and Daisy on Twitter, where one of them is doing dry Jan.