Dumb Football with Mike Tunison: Week 1

If the first week of the NFL season felt a little anarchic, it might have something to do with the power vacuum that opened after NFL commissioner Roger Goodell's recent fall from grace. Once the Shield's fearless champion, Goodell was effectively invisible on Week 1, a figurehead chased into seclusion by his own repeated failure and rampant boobery. He declined to attend the season opener last Thursday in Gillette Stadium, with the tepid excuse that he didn't need to go because he went to the last New England Patriots home game.

And what happened? More suspicions of cheating arose when there were once again communication problems involving headsets at a Patriots game. It's reasonable to argue that it makes no sense for the Patriots to try to cheat on the first night of the NFL season, with the whole nation watching, but why would—or why should—that stop them? Bill Belichick is just too good at cheating, and he knows it. Goodell and his team of ham-headed retainers cannot make anything stick, and everyone knows that. Expect the Patriots coach to have Rex Ryan poisoned before next Sunday. Not fatally, mind you—just enough to ensure that the Buffalo Bills coach will be trying to phone in plays from a bathroom stall. It would be unfortunate if those calls were jammed.

Goodell's newfound weakness was evident throughout Week 1. On Sunday, there were some objectively dirty plays committed on the field by Ndamukong Suh, who kicked off the helmet of Alfred Morris, and Pacman Jones, who forcefully bounced Amari Cooper's exposed head off a helmet lying on the field—which, I mean, holy shit. Having witnessed these bad acts by repeat bad actors, fans expected swift, Gingerhammer-y justice. Instead, the following day, all that surfaced were reports that neither player would face suspension, and only Jones standing to get fined.

At the height of his powers, Goodell wouldn't have hesitated to penalize both players, but the commissioner and the NFL owners he serves appear to have lost all faith in the disciplinary process. It doesn't help that Suh had a suspension overturned as recently as last season. Like Belichick, Suh's just too good at this; he's cheating at chess while everyone else is trying to cheat at checkers.

Missed Extra Points Are the New Black

As usual, the NFL passed a bevy of rule changes during the offseason. Most will go unnoticed until the inevitable moment when an obscure one alters the course of an important game and everyone gets upset. The decision to move the extra point back to a 33-yard kick has gotten attention, possibly because it's the easiest to see.

So far, the change has proceeded more or less as expected. Whereas the old extra point had a success rate of about 99 percent, at the new distance it dropped into the lower 90s. Four extra-point attempts were missed during the first week of the season, which is half the number of extra points that were missed all of last season. Truly we live in a glorious golden age of extra point drama. Our children will never believe our tales of the days when extra points were marginally easier.

This Week's Phrase That Pays: "It's just Week 1, but…"

It's just 1 game but some stats on starting 1-0 vs. 0-1 in the @NFL: pic.twitter.com/d8Ab7pD8Yp
— Randall Liu (@RLiuNFL) September 14, 2015

If St. Louis keeps this up - I know it's just Week 1 - but it could be very interesting once Todd Gurley gets on the field.
— Steve Wyche (@wyche89) September 13, 2015

Fan of the Week

Perhaps the greatest 49ers fan shirt ever http://t.co/MN90G5e1Yz pic.twitter.com/WyG3yIPPwQ
— Mike Tunison (@xmasape) September 15, 2015

Stiff competition from the drunk Bills fan who went headfirst into a bus, but the artfulness of this Richard Sherman troll job by a San Francisco 49ers fan wins. It doesn't matter that the Niners weren't even playing the Seahawks, who were otherwise occupied this weekend with a hilarious loss in St. Louis. It's all just so beautiful.

Best Week 1 Live Blog By A Dismissive Australian

After careful consideration, I have to bestow this honor on Matt Cleary writing for the Guardian. Be sure to clear some space in the next edition of Best Australian-American Sportswriting. It's worth going back and checking the whole thing out. It's just the appropriate level of disdain and confusion for the awful Monday night late game that involved former rugby star Jarryd Hayne.

Five Winners Who Covered Their Bloodline In Glory

1. Marcus Mariota

2. Julio Jones

3. Carlos Hyde

4. The official movers of the St. Louis Rams getting some nice exposure

5. Brandon Marshall

Five Losers Bathing In The Hard Water Of Infinite Shame

Good morning, Giants fans. pic.twitter.com/ietUvrEmJd
— Bart Hubbuch (@BartHubbuch) September 15, 2015

1. ESPN for subjecting us to Chris Berman and Trent Dilfer

2. Eli Manning/Ben Adoo/Tom Coughlin for so many things

3. Steve Smith letting a potential game-winning catch clang off his facemask, which in turn let Aqib Talib, the dude he once famously told to "Ice Up, Son," celebrate victory

4. Pete Carroll for failing to uncover the conspiracy by his kicker to try an onside kick until it was too late

5. The ghost the Steelers asked to cover Rob Gronkowski

This Week in Important Numerology with Adam Schefter

Kam Chancellor wears 31.Seattle scored 31 in Sunday loss.Rival Arizona scored 31 in win.Seahawks upcoming opponent, GB, scored 31 in win.
— Adam Schefter (@AdamSchefter) September 14, 2015

While some football analysts find it necessary to grind tape before pronouncing what's important to a team, Schefter sees a telling number lurking behind the Seahawks' struggles. Did you know that in 9/11, 9 +1 + 1 = 11? Makes you think.

The Jim Tomsula Odd Jobs ESPN Forgot To Mention

Varmint wrangler

Scrap metal collector

New Subway spokesman

Content aggregator

MMORPG gold farmer

Dog park bouncer

Frequent blood donor

Uber driver

Uber driver robber

Person who sprays water on pro wrestlers as they leave the backstage area

Todd Bowles Watch

I'm going to be checking in on New York Jets head coach Todd Bowles periodically this season, to gauge the physical toll of dealing with his horrible team. So far he's looking pretty good! Observe the restorative effects of winning, which can ease the horrors of having your starting quarterback sidelined with a broken jaw caused by a teammate's punch. Peyton Manning is decomposing much faster than this guy through one week. Not to worry, though: the suffering will come in time. It always does.