The Vice Sports NBA Draft Lottery Preview, Paper Doll Edition

On Tuesday night, America's favorite celebration of weighted chance, sports division, will be televised for your viewing pleasure on ESPN: THE NBA DRAFT LOTTERY! The lotto will determine which sadsack NBA team will acquire the coveted NUMBER ONE PICK IN THE NBA DRAFT, the greatest value in all of sports. Because this is an IMPORTANT event, we will take it on ourselves to preview it, using the time honored technique of "Dollhousing" or constructing the event, exactly as it will happen, using dollhouse techniques and materials. I have also taken it on myself to portray NBA Commissioner Adam Silver, the host of the lottery, as the visions I received regarding the complexities of the host were too complex to be drawn, even by a master artist like myself. I trust you will conclude that I have captured his essence.

Good evening, men, women, television audience, and welcome to the NBA DRAFT LOTTERY! Tonight, we will learn which of these sad, broken, failures of a franchise will be gifted, from The Good Lord Above, with the TOP PICK in the NBA Draft! Every team has sent a representative, an important person in their franchise with whom will will exchange a few words. LET'S MEET THE REPS!

First up, Glen Taylor, the owner and operator of the Minnesota Timberwolves. Now, Glen, why are you here?

Excuse me?

It's just, you've got this team full of charming young stars, and I wonder if it would have been best practice to send one of them instead. You know we're televising this, right? So maybe you could help us out and deliver a little more star power than "Glen Taylor," is all. I mean, do you think anyone in the WORLD would rather see you in place of Andrew Wiggins? Were you just trying to save on airfare? Was two tickets to New York just too much for you this year? Has it been a lean year for Glen Taylor, the billionaire? C'mon, man. Anyway, wonderful to see you as always.

Representing the Oklahoma City Thunder, current NBA Scoring Champion, Russell Westbrook! Now Russell, you're wearing QUITE the outfit!

Haha, yes, I am. I am Russell Westbrook and I enjoy wearing ornate shirts that don't mean anything. This shirt in particular is totally meaningless. It has nothing to do with the ongoing folly of moving a team from a market with 3.6 million people to one literally one third that size because the former market wouldn't pay for a new stadium with taxpayer dollars, and how silly it is that the NBA would allow a team to reduce the reach of the league over something like that. That's not what this outfit is about. I like the color profile is all.

A bold look! Next up, representing the Philadelphia 76ers, sophomore center phenom Nerlens Noel. Now, Nerlo, what is it you've got in your hand, there?

Well, Commissioner Silver, because of some fascinating computing/genetics work the team has had in the works for a while, our homemade SQL functions have begun to manifest in the biological plane. Sam Hinkie, our General Manager, beloved by all, is encouraging all of the players on the team to take one of these new "DataBudz" with us everywhere, so we can learn about basketball from them, wherever we go! I have learned so much about help-side defense and friendship from my DataBud.

Wow, that is VERY fascinating! The cutting edge of basketbiological research! Soon, I believe, will will be able to do away with players altogether and watch fully formed DataBudz, blossomed into BasketBudz, entities of pure data that we won't have to pay! An exciting future to be sure but oh my stars, is that Basketball Hall of Famer, the Legend Beyond All, LARRY BIRD, representing the Indiana Pacers!?

Wise words from a true titan of the sport. Speaking of which, here's Michael Kidd-Gilchrist, representing the Charlotte Hornets.

Thanks, Commissioner Silver! You know, I'm excited for the Lottery and the renewed hope of a new season, but I'm even MORE excited to get out here and tell all the kids who are watching to stay in school, and say no to drugs! If you work hard and play by the rules, you can get a teal jacket with your uniform number on it.

You know, Michael. I am not sure that is such a good idea for the league. Sure, we want kids to stay off HARD drugs. They are bad. But the law is evolving in terms of how it deals with cannabis, which we all now understand to be a fairly harmless and kindly buddy that just makes you feel good! If you are telling kids to stay "off" marijuana, you might as well tell them to stay away from alcohol, which is significantly more harmful than a friendly dose of indica!

Also, Michael, I don't know if you've figured this out, this whole enterprise, the NBA, is pretty much build on trying to get beer advertisements in the eyeballs and earholes of children, to the point where the idea of not drinking beer seems abnormal. So while obviously we appreciate your passion, let's tone it down, in case a commercial marijuana grower is looking to throw a few bones our way when prohibition finally ends.

Dennis Lindsey, General Manager of the Utah Jazz! You're looking a little ragged, if I'm being honest. Are you okay?

I grew a beard, Adam. It's not that big a deal. It's 2016, the '50's are over.

Hey, man, you kinda snapped at me there. I didn't know you were going for a new look, or whatever.

Yeah, well. Maybe you should have asked off camera. I'm sorry for snapping, but I'm definitely not the asshole here.

We're on live TV, Dennis.

Whatever. I want to go home, New York sucks.

I am definitely going to fine you for that, but it's great to have you here. Representing the Miami Heat, another Hall-of-Famer, the great Alonzo Mourning!

It's the Miami Heat's DRAFT STICK! I am afraid I misunderstood the purpose of this event, so I brought the team's Draft Stick, which is a stick we use when we draft. I THOUGHT this was an opportunity to learn more about our "DRAFT STICK" but it was actually an opportunity to learn about our "DRAFT PICK." In retrospect, this was an easy one, and I blew it.

Alonzo, don't beat yourself up. Here for the The Sacramento Kings, Mr. Vlade Divac, the team's VP Of Basketball Operations. Hey, Vlade: what is that cloud around your head?

Well, Adam, that is a literal manifestation of my European and ease. I have so much of it that if I keep it in my body too long, and so I must let it out. As you can see, without it in my body, I have spilled ice cream on my shirt, as an American might. Very embarrassing.

It really is. Representing the Pistons, General Manager Jeff Bower! Jeff, what are you wearing?

Thank you for asking, Adam. It is the Detroit Pistons' ceremonial Laimbeer head covering, made out of four Bill Laimbeers. The General Manager of the Pistons wears it to every major Pistons event, so we can court favor with the mysterious but powerful Laimbeer Force. The four Laimbeers represent the four pillars of Laimbeerdom: Dirty Play, Vague Dickishness, Specific Dickeshness, and Height.

One of the NBA's finest traditions. Representing the Orlando Magic: Alex Martins, the team's CEO. How are you feeling tonight, Alex?

Well, Adam, I would have to say that I am feeling very ANIMATED! Yes, it's true, I have been turned into a living drawing. It is very painful and alienating, and I regret it a great deal. My wife will not make love to me, because she feels it would violate God's laws. My children regard me as a monster. I will soon be fired and forced to tour the country with a traveling circus "Abnormals Act" for money. This was the worst decision I ever made. I am, of course, very excited to be here on what should be a big night for the Magic!

Yes, it is VERY disassociating. I hope the police storm in and arrest you soon. Hey, who is that?

Why it is me, Boston Celtics GM Danny Ainge! I am here to collect my lottery pick!

Uhh, Danny, I'm afraid the Celtics don't have a pick this year.

Whaaaaat!? We went 40-42! Our usage leader is Isaiah Thomas! The big man rotation is Kelly Olynyk and also some other guys who aren't as good as Kelly Olynyk! With all due respect, commissioner, I'm pretty sure we're in the draft lottery.

Uhh, we understand that, but, you still made the playoffs, and rules are rules…

Well, I'm SORRY we didn't lose enough! WE TRIED! Honestly, I would expect this from Stern, but I thought you were cool and progressive, Adam. This has been my second-most disappointing trip to New York, and I will be going home now.

I'm sorry you were so disappointed, Daniel. Alex Len: you are a center on the Phoenix Suns, and you are representing the team today. It seems that, in the time it has taken up to get to you, what appears to be a tree has started growing out of your body?

Yes, Adam. The Suns have decided that, since they cannot turn their players into half-sun/half-men, they will settle on us taking power from the sun by allowing our bodies to combine with plants. It has been a biological thrill ride, although I am not sure it has made me any better at basketball.

Not to mention, NBA basketball is played indoors, away from the sun which gives life to all living things. Yet another horrifyingly shortsighted science experiment from the Suns. Josh Kroenke, the general manager of the Denver Nuggets, if you don't mind me saying, you are wearing a VERY interesting hat! Is it a lucky hat?

No. It is just a fun hat. I am not superstitious. Please leave me alone.

Okay, sorry! And here's Steve Mills, the General Manager of the Knicks…hey, wait a minute! You're not Steve Mills!

Haha, yes I am. I am Steve Mills. It is me, Steve Mills, I am the person who runs the Knicks, and not anyone else. I am certainly not Isiah Thomas. Isiah Thomas does not work for the Knicks anymore, and will not again. In conclusion, I am Steve Mills, not Isiah Thomas.

Hmm. Very strange, because I DEFINITELY thought you were Isiah Thomas, and I would say that I also still think that, because you look and sound like Isiah Thomas.

Well, I'm not! I am Steve Mills, the person who makes Knicks personnel decisions, along with my good friend Phil Jackson, who is also definitely not Isiah Thomas. A lot of people mistake us, not because we look alike, given that we are both very handsome. But why would Isiah be working for the Knicks? He was extremely bad at his job and he also sexually harassed a co-worker. The only thing MORE ABSURD than Isiah Thomas—who, again, is not me—working for the Knicks would be Isiah Thomas working for the Madison Square Garden's WNBA team. Things that absurd just don't happen!

I'm sure you're right, it's just that I just know I've met Steve Mills and he looked nothing like Isiah Thomas. Anyway, I meet a lot of people.

And finally, Lakers Coach Byron Scott! Byron: What exactly is going on here?

Well, Adam, Coaching the Lakers is my dream job. And I am not going to lie: I was dissatisfied with my first year performance. I spoke to the organization, and we decided that it was time to affix several extra heads to my body to increase my coaching brainpower. Using my extra brains, I have already figured out how to execute a cross-dimensional pick-and-roll, which will be very effective if Kobe is into running it. We will be unstoppable next year

Is that Scott Brooks's head on your right shoulder?

Why yes, it is! He signed a really terrible contract with Oklahoma City.

I was once the man Scott Brooks, in a time before the suffering. Please release me from this wretched service. Burn me until I fall off or live no longer. I am devoured by the king of all nightmares. Also Byron hardly ever brushes his teeth.